So i (19F) just got engaged to my (19M) boyfriend of 4 years. Since we’ve been together he’s always been supportive of my feelings with my bio dad because he knows how bad he is. they have only met twice which shows how involved my bio dad is.
For some context, my mom and dad got divorced when i was 2 and my sister was 6 months old. my dad was very abusive to my mom and cheated on her which led to the divorce. My mom has since remarried to my step dad who has been in my life since i was 3 and has been more of a father then my bio dad could ever be. I want my step dad to walk me down the aisle and officiate the wedding which my fiance has agreed to.
That’s not the reason i don’t want to invite him though, my dad has never been involved in my life, no matter how hard my mom tried. i was always told the phone works both ways by him, he’s very narcissistic and manipulative and so his his family. my dad was always moving around and had different girlfriends that took priority over me and my sister.
He was very mentally abusive and sometimes physically. and as we got older it turned more sexual, smacking out added trying to kiss us on the lips bc “i’m your dad” one time i finally snapped and he stopped for the most part. but that’s just part of it with him. His family has also been very abusive and very vocal about their hatred for my mom and stepdad telling me my sister that my stepdad isn’t blood therefore he will never be our dad. when i was 7 i had asked my grandma for a cupcake after lunch and she started yelling at me telling me i was going to get fat and die because that just runs in our family and that i need to not eat so much sugar. which led to an eating disorder me being very picky with food and overall just me really struggling with my self image.
i guess the reason im asking is ive had some family members say that hes my dad and i should just be the bigger person and let him come but i cant help but feel like it would ruin mine and my fiance’s day. anyways this was very long so i apologize i haven’t talked to him in a while so i guess im just looking for advice but would i be the asshole for not inviting them to my wedding?
NTA. There is no relationship and also tell him he will not be allowed entry if he turns up.
Asshole to who?
To your dad? Do you care?
To your dad’s family? Do you care?
Why is your dad even coming up in these convos? I ask cause the issue you may have is you expressing this unsureness may have lead your family to merely letting you know they’ll be ok with w/e your doing not that they actually want/expect you to.
Even “let them come” does not mean “invite” ya know? If I were your mom, I would not want you to invite, but surely I’m not gonna tell you that. Its your decision.
I think you know your dad and your relationship to him is horrible. Why would you listen to them?
If you don’t want him there, invite him but tell him that your step-dad will be walking you down the aisle. He’ll probably refuse to come.
You are NTA. It’s your wedding. Invite who you want, and don’t invite who you don’t. He may be the sperm donor, but he is not your “dad”. That does not entitle him to anything.
Your wedding will be a disaster if you invite them and will be hell on earth for your mom. Who do you want to honor more? NTA
NTA.
Your stepdad may not be “blood” but he’s the only father you’ve had since you were 3. Your bio dad doesn’t get to step in and “be the dad” for a day, when he hasn’t been there for the years.
Your wedding is for you and your fiance, and you shouldn’t feel obliged to invite ANYONE who will put a damper on the event rather than contribute to the joy. The only caveat is that the people who are paying for the wedding should have some input into the guest list.
There are always going to be people that say “family first” and don’t want to get into the weeds about a particular dysfunctional family’s dynamics. Take it as a suggestion and move on.
NTA. You have every right to NOT invite him to your wedding. It is your wedding and you have the right to not invite people you don’t want there. You said he was never a dad to you, you have really no relationship with him. WHy would you want to invite him. He would cause a scene when you are walking down the aisle because he would probably demand that HE walk you and not your stepdad. You don’t want him causing a scene which he will do.
NTA
As a mom to children who haven’t seen their father in years, I get this. I know my kids won’t invite their father and certain members from that side of the family to their weddings when (if) the time comes. And that’s their choice.
Who you invite is up to you. Ignore what others are saying. In fact, I’d go as far as to say stop discussing the guest list with anyone who doesn’t need to know.
NTA
He bailed out on you when you were a small child. He has no actual relationship with you.
Family isn’t who supplied a gamete. It is who was there for you, who played board games and watched movies, helped with homework, held your hand when you were sick.
I say this as a dad who is trying to raise a daughter with no role model for how to be a dad, because my dad dipped out when my parents divorced. Finding the bottom of the beer bottle was more important to him than maintaining a relationship with his kids.
NTA. It is your day. Invite the people that you want to celebrate with. Perhaps consider long term about how you will feel about the decision. You have no obligation to invite people that make you uncomfortable.
NTA he sounds like a vile person who shouldn’t be around anyone. Don’t let him near you ever again!