My (31M) mum (69F) passed away on 18th January just about a month after being diagnosed with stage four cancer. I’m not saying where the primary cancer was because this post might get taken down. However, the cancer did spread to her lymph nodes, liver and lungs. It was those metastases that were the primary cause of her death. It all happened so quickly. I barely had any time to process it. I’m autistic. I’ve always been socially anxious, and hate talking to people outside the people I trust. Almost immediately after my mum passed away last week, I’ve had family members expecting me to leave my comfort zone by going outside much more often and talking to others. They want me to do that to lessen my grief. It feels like that they want me to grieve on their terms, and not mine. It’s like they’re saying "I didn’t like the way your mum treated you, so now I get the chance to treat you the way I see fit." All of these expectations of me have been very overwhelming, to say the least. I haven’t completely isolated myself. I still talk to my (73M) dad (who I still live with), and others on the phone and in person when they visit us. When I do that, I discuss my grief with them. However, I just prefer my own company. I’ve attempted to tell them this a few times, but they say the way that I’ve been grieving is completely unhealthy and I need to do it in a healthier way.
AITA for the way that I’ve been grieving?
So sorry for your loss, that’s awful losing your mom and so quickly.
NTA. I’m sure people have good intentions but it’s your right to grieve how you want to. Don’t feel bad for not doing what others ask of you but I’m sure they’re trying their best too. Take care of yourself and I hope you’re doing ok.
People grieve differently and there is no right or wrong way. Some people like to isolate, and that’s fine. Others like to be around others. Also fine. It becomes unhealthy if it becomes overwhelming grief for an extended period of time, in which case, some therapy can help with that.
My condolences on your loss.
NTA
You have the right to grieve in a way that is most comfortable for you.
And anyone telling you how to grieve is absolutely being an asshole.
It’s fine for loved ones to offer to take you out or to get your mind off of things.
There’s nothing wrong with offering someone an option.
But refusing to hear their response and continuing to insist while they’re grieving is rude as fuck.
Sorry for your loss.
NTA. People grieve in different ways. Id like to hope and think your family have your best interests in mind and just want to try and help. But do things at your own pace. There’s no time limit. There’s no easy or hard way to grieve. So just look after yourself. I’m sure your family will be understanding of it.
Sorry for your loss. Grieving is something people do differently, and I’m also a person who likes to keep to themselves, including in situations like these. Absolutely NTA.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently, and you need to do what’s right for you. That said, I don’t think they’re AHs. Trying to get you to go out or talk to people is a common response by people trying to help someone who is grieving. It is an awkward tightrope for them to walk because, as I said, everyone grieves differently. That said, it’s also healthy to try to give yourself a break through some distraction or minimal exercise or interaction. In my mind, that’s what they’re trying to get you to do. I don’t think it’s malicious. No AH here. NAH
NAH. Sounds more like they are worried bout you not that then are trying to control you. But do what you feel you need, but yea others may help.
NTA
Everyone grieves differently. There is no Right Way To Grieve. And the people who aren’t giving you the time and space to process your emotions are not being helpful or kind.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Edited to say – Victorians mourned for over 2 years. There was a whole structure to it. You’ve barely had 10 days.
NTA.
However, as a person who has lost every single member of their family except my wife, you need to let your grief and anger out. It will settle in, fester, eat at you, and ultimately destroy you.
Your family members are only trying to help you, perhaps not understanding your autism, but that is what they are doing. A loss like that is a shock to your entire family, not just you. You dad lost his wife, his life partner. Aunts or uncles lost a sister. Friends lost a friend. They are also looking for help as well. You need to lean on each other.
Let your grief and emotions out through writing or art, or go to a rage room and destroy shit, or a gun range and shoot, or even simply talking it out. Everything you do can and will help you, but you need to accept the help.
No, no, no, IMO.
Even if OP was NT, he would get to decide what is best for him. He does not “need” to lean on others or allow them to lean on him. What works for him is his choice entirely.
It’s been just over a week, which I am sure you know is the very beginning of the shock and disbelief part of early grief. OP isn’t even claiming that no one else is grieving, but again as I am sure you know, every relationship is different and each person’s grief is unique to them. A “friend losing a friend” is sad for sure, but entirely different from “a son losing a mother,” which is wildly different from his dad losing a beloved wife.
All OP “needs” to do right now is be there for his dad and just get through the day. Anyone expecting, cajoling, or even harassing him to do otherwise is wrong.
As for using writing or art or a safe rage release at this point, it’s almost certain to be unhelpful now. Later? Maybe, even probably. But expecting OP to do any of that so soon is unrealistic and puts unreasonable pressure on him.
I am not trying to minimize your losses and grief experience and I do understand that your experiences differ from OP’s and mine. I am truly glad you figured out things that helped you through, but what helped you is not necessarily what will help OP, especially so soon after the loss.
OP is NTA.
(For context. I have lost a few friends, two uncles and three aunts, all grandparents, both parents, and my beloved husband, so I am also speaking from experience.)
NTA. Aside from obvious issues, there really isn’t a wrong way to grieve. You aren’t violent or doing anything out of character here, you are grieving in the way you need. Many people want to help you because it is something that worked for them.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I will add that I’m torn between NTA and NAH, but if they are forcing the issue, they would be TA.
NTA, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA
When my mom died, it felt like every other family member wanted me to process it with them. Even for neurotypical-me, it was exhausting to go over and over with each person . And it felt like it was all about the family members wanting me to make them feel a certain way.
I’m sorry that your family isn’t listening to you about what you need.