I’m gonna sound like a broken record, but basically, mandatory military service absolutely fucking wrecked me. I won’t go into too much of what happened here, I just don’t want to take up too much of the post with that. If anyone in the comments wants to know about it for context, I could tell you there.
Anyway, I got back a year ago and I have this thing where I just hyperfixate. A lot of it is this idea that my country could demand so much of me but give me nothing back. Not saying I deserve special privilege, I think the draft is unfair for everyone, and so I help people leave the military or get exemptions as much as possible. It genuinely can ruin lives.
I’ve already cut off most of my family and it was easy. So my parents are left. And I don’t know what to do, mom booked a little mother-son trip to Holland and basically… I’m thinking of only going one way, not coming back? I found on her Instagram, some disgusting videos from when I was away, like one of the horrible military swearing in ceremony, and another where she says something about how her "son is in the army" and she misses me. No, sorry, I wasn’t "in the army", I fucking disown that identity. Saw a link to her Substack about how every time she sees a "soldier" she thinks about me. They threw me a pathetic party when I got back. My dad is an idiot and of course, they get to celebrate their anniverary in a few weeks, they’re both attractive and love each other, meanwhile, I lost a fucking relationship because of the military. I’m almost wishing they’d divorce.
They didn’t "pressure" me, but when I was considering getting an exemption, basically, my parents kept reassuring me- Like, "I promise, give it a chance, we’ll help you out if you want out." And eventually, I did confess that I hated it and they did, but it was 10 months in by then, into a year term, and they’re sorry and want to make up for it and honestly, I don’t give a shit. I didn’t know how to tell them before. Like, for months, I was trying to work up the courage to tell her I hated it while she’d come to see me some weekends. Mom apparently had a great time in the navy (Yeah right she did) and hoped I’d love this. The draft doesn’t apply to women here and I’m inclined to think that anyone who willingly joins is an idiot. Look, would it be bad if I stayed in Holland? If I just went one way and told her this is it, you’ll see me on holidays? Because nothing has gotten better since I came home and it’s just stressing me out.
You honestly sound like a messed up young man who’s blaming everyone else for your situation. YTA just for your attitude.
This is a mess, and on top of that, it’s “everything is not my fault” mess.
If you don’t figure that out, one day the consequence will bite you in the back, hard.
You wouldn’t be an asshole for wanting distance.
You’re burned out, angry, and trying to reclaim control.
But disappearing mid-trip would turn pain into fallout.
If you stay abroad, do it cleanly, say it directly, don’t vanish.
Did something traumatic happen during your service, or was it just military service in general that you hated? You sound like you need to do some serious mental work on yourself, and geography alone isn’t going to change that. I assume you were an adult when this occurred, so I’m not sure how the decisions you made were your parents fault. I don’t know if you are an AH, but sounds like you really need to consider getting some help.
He is angry cause a choice that was partially made for him by other people didn’t turn out a good choice. He can’t really direct his frustration so he wants to “punish” his parents indirectly by staying abroad or wishing they get divorced. It’s just frustration; anger, sadness and resentment for past choices and experiences. It gets better when we become full matured adults and can make our own decisions in life.
He just have to let it go and move on, get independent and build his own life exactly as he wants it to be.
I am not sure you can see clearly right now. There is so much hate, anger and every other negative emotion that I think you not in a position to make good decisions for yourself. Are you seeing a therapist?
Maybe living in another country would help you get a new start or it could be just you running away taking all your problems with you and then you are stuck in a foreign country with no support system.
What do your friends say? Have you told them you are contemplating moving to another country? They know you much better than any redditer
.. NTA for wanting to move but I am concerned for your wellbeing OP.
I think it’s awful that any adult would be forced to spend an entire year of their life doing something against their will so you have my sympathy in that regard.
Whether you’re the asshole or not, I’m not sure, but you clearly hold a lot of resentment towards your parents so it’s probably within all of your best interests to have some space from each other to cool down. In the meantime, find a positive outlet for your pent up anger and realize that nobody is perfect, yourself included
Have you considered getting some medical help for your mental health because you sound like you’re in an awful place and that would be a helpful first step to assist you in working through your anger, or just giving you a little bit of clarity to help yourself move forward so that this doesn’t consume the rest of your life.
It sounds like you could benefit from talking to someone. Obviously we do not know what happened in the military. Your mom is proud of your service. Have you truly talked to your parents about how you feel and why.
Now for the wishing they would divorce. You are being TA. Parents are there to guide you. Not everything turns out like they hope. Nothing you have said about your parents make them bad people. You can’t blame the for a failed relationship. That was you and your partner and whatever happened. You even said they did pressure you.
Right now it sounds like you are trying to find a place to put your anger. On yourself or parents is not the right place. If you do not do something such as counseling or talk to you doctor about this anger it will continue to eat you up.
On the one way. Tell your mom you need to get away and would like to stay in holland. Unless you live in a country you are not allowed to leave just showing up in random country can have a lot of issues with immigration and working laws.
It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved anger. A lot.
But it isn’t really clear whether it was actually from military service or your disposition in general.
You can stay in Holland if you like, but that’s not the issue. You likely need some cognitive therapy to sort out your unresolved anger about … everything.
Just from your recounting of events, it sounds like your parents were attempting to be supportive of everything going on, but you are taking supportive actions as harm or damage.
It’s really hard to say YTA to someone needing therapy, so I won’t, but I still strongly suggest you seek out support and help for your anger issues.
Yes, YWBTA.
The last thing you need right now is to be alone in a foreign country. The Netherlands isn’t paradise, you know. It will be very hard to find a job and even harder (if not impossible) to find a home.
What you need right now is mental support to work through all the pain and resentment, and also to learn how to take responsibility for your own decisions and forgive yourself for making the wrong ones.
In The Netherlands, there are huge waiting lists for such support (like over a year of waiting). And to find it in your language will be even harder and take even longer.
Don’t take another bad decision you’ll regret, but start working on your mental health so you can have a brighter future.
You’ve cut off most of your family and now you’re looking for excuses to cut off your parents.
It sounds like there may be a mental health issue and I hope that you live somewhere that takes them seriously. There are medications that can help, but having a diagnosis is at least a step.
Talk to a professional before you overstay your visa in Holland. It will be harder to do anything if you get in trouble in a foreign country. (I’m assuming you’re not from an EU country.)
Mandatory military service is part of life for many people as many countries still have it. You’re just blaming your problems on external factors because you don’t want to look at yourself. Grow up. YTA
You definately need therapy, and you should go get some before making big decisions like moving to a totally different country.
But YTA for wishing divorce on your parents because they’re happy together and you’re miserable and broken up. I guess it true when they say misery loves company.