AITA – Newish to reddit and unsure how to post so sorry.
I, (33f) have a best friend, Sam (33m) of nearly 20 years. We have been through thick and thin and have developed a stunning friendship where we are practically family.
Sam began dating this lovely woman, Ella, nearly 3 years ago and we all get along well. Early in their relationship there were some very valid issues that Sam was upset about and I would encourage him to communicate them to his partner which he would, without ab actual resolve. He established that they weren’t the most compatible but she was kind and supportive to him and he needed someone like that.
Fast forward a little over a year and a half, and Ella is wanting Sam to get married. He had many reservations as nothing in their relationship was sorted, and I advised him to just explore their relationship further before tying the knot. But she was not having any of it and Sam faced a bit of pressure from Ella and her family and they got married with a huge wedding in a church – everything Sam did not want for his big day.
9 months after his wedding (last November), Sam made the decision to separate from Ella and stay in different houses. He stated that he no longer loves her romantically but is unsure if he should call it quits and start the process of divorce or just get back with her. They still have weekly dates (homework by his therapist). And each time they would go on a date Sam would then tell me how little he feels for her romantically and that she is crying and really wants him back. Although, I believe that Sam and Ella weren’t really the best match, Ella is still a good person, they just weren’t compatible. And him controlling the situation despite not loving her anymore makes me feel a little queezy. It’s been so many months of having Ella dangle by a thread, waiting for him to take her back with him not actually having intentions of doing so, but also not wanting to go through the divorce process as it will be a financial stress on him amongst other things. He says he doesn’t want to hurt Ella but I am unfortunately not buying it as Ella is hurt and is also being robbed of time to move on.
Yesterday, he told me that his therapist told him that he should sit with his emotions for another 3/4 weeks before telling Ella it is over and after months of this, I got really frustrated and told him that I disagree with his therapist and what he is doing just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do because he’s wasiting her time waiting around for him when he doesn’t want to get back with her and that if he regarded her as a human being that he states he cares about he would tell her and give her the chance to move on. He got angry with me and told me that he is not going to tell me anything as I am shaming him. It was truly not my intentions but I am really confused. I feel like I am missing something and not able to see it about myself. So AITA?
Edit – thank you for everyone giving some helpful insights. I just wanted to say that regarding me telling Sam what I did and how involved I am. He constantly tells me everything about what is happening from his own accord. I don’t force or push him to tell me anything. I had simply just reached a threshold. I would have also been a bad friend to him if I told him not to involve me. So there is no winning.
You are way too invested in your friend’s relationship. Stay out of it, he’s a grown adult.
Yes fair enough, he did tell me that he doesn’t want to tell me anything regarding this and I did say that I respect that and that he can just tells me whatever he wants to.
NTA imho. It looks like he’s just stringing her along, wasting her time. Also, being together with someone because they are “convenient” (supportive and such), and not because of love, is such an ah move. She could have found Mr.Right by now, if it wasn’t for Mr.Wrong stringing her along.
You are being a good friend by being honest with him, not just telling him what he wants to hear. NTA. If he wants a friend who will just parrot his own opinions back to him he can go speak to ChatGTP.
NTA but you are to involved in your friends relationship. That is his fault not yours. People need to learn to deal with their relationship issues especially marriage with each other and a therapist like they are doing. Going to friends outside of the relationship can drive little wedges into everything. I would even say that it is multiplied when the friend is the same sex as your spouse. Not that we shouldn’t have friends but that letting others inside our relationships is dangerous.
Did they eat chicken on their dates? Sam-n-Ella? Sorry couldn’t resist 😊
NTA, I’ve had friends in relationships like this and I know how you feel cuz it is hard to watch. It’s cruel of him to keep Ella dangling like this, just because the therapist suggested it doesn’t make it any kinder. He needs to grow the fuck up and just end it so this poor woman can move on with her life. I can’t imagine how much distress this is causing her
I’m with you. Your friend needs to do the honorable thing and break up with Emma because this absolutely isn’t fair to her and can’t be healthy for him either. Like yes, it’s usually good to give a relationship time before you end it, but it sounds like these dates are building resentment and I’m not sure what another 3 weeks is going to accomplish. All relationships go through periods where it’s less great for some time and sometimes waiting out many months is what’s needed, but the way this played out is awful. Even if he took her back, I’m not sure how she could ever trust him again after this.
You’re not the asshole.
You’re reacting to watching someone prolong another person’s pain to avoid their own discomfort.
Disagreeing with a therapist isn’t the issue, only the pattern is.
Sounds like both Sam and Ella are controlling and manipulative. Ella is pushy, and Sam has weaponized his indecisiveness, so the separation is playing out the same way as the rest of the relationship. They will both be impervious to reason, so step back and just nod sympathetically when Sam goes on about his woes.
This has been a really helpful comment thank you. I should have done this…
Mmmm he’s been going through this for a while. What’s another 3/4 weeks? Maybe the therapist told him to sit with his emotions for a little bit because he’s struggling and this is a lot and a huge decision for him. He could be leaving out a whole chunk of what was said to the therapist and why the therapist said what they said. As a friend you should be supportive..
YTA, but a justified one.
A friend’s responsibility can change. Sometimes you need to be a sounding board, sometimes a shoulder to cry on and sometimes you need to be the one to call out your friend on his BS.
Your friend is acting selfishly. You called him out.
I see people saying you are too involved. It sounds like your friend is dumping this on you. You aren’t being nosy.
It doesn’t sound like you’re the “I tell it like it is friend”, but you had enough.
I’m thinking of the Good Will Hunting scene where Affleck rips his friend a new one.