I (20M) have a brother (22M) who just moved back into the house full time after college. My mom (55F) took money out of her retirement to pay for part of his college. She payed for all of his needs. As for my father, (who isn’t a deadbeat) pays for nothing really. My parents got a divorce a long time ago and he was put on child support. Where I live he usually would have needed to pay 1000 dollars a month but my mom knew my dad couldn’t afford that so she begged the judge to make him pay less to like 400 a month, he only paid like 5x.
My mom just lost her high paying job and had to get a lower paying one. But she did get a new higher paying one but will not be able to start for 6 months. So my brother who has no real bills has been paying a 150 bucks here and there. Well recently my mom unexpectedly was low on money and needed my brother to chip in 150. He was so upset because he was planning to use that money to go on a hunting trip with his friends the next weekend. Which he did have a a little over 1000 in his savings, but decided he didn’t want to take that out.
Now he’s pouting around the house and I feel so bad because my mom probably knows why he’s upset and probably feels awful about it. I don’t understand. When my mom was super depressed I was the one at home with her, trying to help her get back on her feet , while he was at college.
So would I be the asshole for putting my brother in place and telling him to suck it up and be a man about it?
Your brother’s behavior is bad, but I’m not sure that you “putting him in his place” is going to improve the situation.
Maybe start with a pleasant heart to heart conversation.
Telling him to suck up and shut up likely won’t make him any nicer but it might make you feel better
It sounds like he can’t be more of a turd
Just tell him he is acting like his dad. /S
He is probably too far gone into entitlement to understand. But you could possibly explain what you have seen through the years and how he should be more kind and helpful to your mom. But I don’t think he will learn that from you.
Keep being a kind and helpful kid to your mom. You are a good kid.
NTA.
But it sounds like your father is a deadbeat if he only paid five times and not even close to the amount he was supposed to pay..
Why your mother was trying to help your father out she did you all a disservice by not having him pay the full amount.
She also did a disservice to herself for paying for your brother’s schooling and not making him pay anything himself. She could at least forced your father to help pay as well.
Now on to the issue of your brother.. he seems too entitled thinking he shouldn’t have to pay for anything and be able to just use all his money for partying and hunting and bs like that. That’s not how the real world works and he needs to learn to grow up
I was wondering why OP was defending their dad. I feel like they met the literal definition of deadbeat. Child support isn’t some arbitrary number so he probably could have afforded it.
NTA. Your brother needs to be chewed out.
NTA but I think your family has a boundary problem. Your mother, who feels the need to protect everyone from discomfort besides herself, to the point where she’s putting her financial stability at risk. And you, who think you need to protect your mother from the consequences of her lack of boundaries.
By all means, say something to your brother, who is acting selfishly. But it’s not your battle to fight, and inserting yourself in the middle of other people’s problems when you control neither side is a recipe for frustration and resentment. If you’re open to advice, say something once to your brother so he doesn’t think you condone his behavior, and if you really must, tell your mother you support her position because depressed people sometimes have a hard time seeing reality, and then back away. You didn’t create these problems and you can’t solve them.
I assume your brother has a job, and therefore an income.
Should he be paying your mother a reasonable proportion of his income, for room and board? Yes, he should. ($150 “here and there” doesn’t cut it. He should be paying her a certain amount every payday. I came from a poor family, and I was handing over *half my wage* to my parents when I began full-time work at 17.)
Are you wrong for thinking he should contribute more? No, you’re not.
Would you be the asshole if you said that to him? No, you wouldn’t.
But *should you* say that to him? If you do it entirely of your own volition and without your mother’s approval – in my opinion it probably won’t help.
You talk about “putting my brother in place”. It’s unlikely to put him in his place, and given that you said your mother already “feels awful about it”, you’ll probably just end up with two people annoyed at you.
I would suggest you choose a time when he’s not around, sit down with your mother, and ask her how best you can support her.
*Does* she want you to talk to him on her behalf? Tell her you’d be happy to do so. Not in a “Bro, you’re an asshole and this lecture is intended to put you in your place” manner, but rather in a “Mom really needs us, bro; we both have to step up and do everything we can to help her” manner.
Or would she prefer you to stay out of it? Tell her you will respect her wishes, but that you hate to see her so stressed, and if she changes her mind, or needs you to do anything else for her that could ease the financial pressure, you will.
You should also try and be a good role model to your brother (if you’re not already). I realize you’re younger than he is, but that doesn’t mean he can’t learn from you what it means to be a responsible and supportive son. Do you have a job of your own, even a part-time one? If so, you should be handing over a regular portion of YOUR pay to your mother, and he should see you doing it. If you don’t already have a job, try and get one.
NTA.
You don’t say what your situation, are you in school also, or if you help out, and I’m assuming your brother has a job.
How about not putting him in his place exactly, but explaining to him the sacrifices your mom made that he didn’t see while he was away at college.
Let him know about the money your mom had to take from her retirement so he didn’t have to drop out. Then nicely ask that he help out when mom asks. It won’t be forever, just in the short time till she starts her new job.
you’re NTA. your brother should be willing to help your mom out while she’s having a hard time. what’s the point of family if they’re not there to help us on our feet when we’ve fallen? pretty gross that a grown man living rent free is complaining about $150 for his own mother
Yta if you don’t think your dad is a deadbeat.