I (18f) haven’t seen my dad since I was 3. He had me at a young age and I was taken away from him. I spent my entire life building up this image of him and fantasizing that he would come rescue me from my home. (I grew up in a very abusive house and got removed at age 14). From age 12 to 17, I searched all over the internet trying to find him, but I didn’t know anything about him so it was pointless. Eventually, after years and years of searching, at age 17 I found him. It was a sweet and tear filled virtual reunion. He told me how much he missed me and how much he loves me. All was well until the first time I asked to meet him in person. He told me something about his wife being the reason he can’t. It has been over a year since that time, and I asked him if he would meet up with me for my 19th birthday coming up. It was a whole plan. Today I messaged him so I could finalize details and get ready to buy my plane ticket. (We were going to meet in my hometown because it’s the closest I can get to where he lives. I can’t stay in his house so I have to stay with someone else due to financial issues.) He messaged me back to tell me that his wife doesn’t want him to come because she will be anxious and lonely for the few days that he is gone and she cannot come with him. This is not the first time she has kept him from meeting me. I am debating telling him that if he constantly chooses her small temporary issues over meeting his long lost daughter, I don’t need him in my life, because I am so tired of the heartbreak and feeling like he doesn’t love me after finally feeling like I have a parent. WIBTA if I told him to pick her or me in this situation?
Edit: to everyone who says she might not know about me, she definitely does. I would say we are relatively close. I’ve been talking to both of them for almost two years now over the phone. But every time we make plans or try to, they end up getting canceled.
NTA. He may be lying about why he can’t meet, for example his wife may not know about you. Regardless your ask is not unreasonable. Unfortunately I would guess he doesn’t really love you so brace yourself for that.
His wife definitely knows about me. She messages me every once in a while.
Have you asked her about it?
NTA- I think forcing him to be straight up about it is probably the best thing so you can move on.
Just be prepared for disappointment amd think about what to do next. It sounds like he’s already been choosing his wife over you.
Unfortunately, I think he already made his choice. I’m sorry.
He doesn’t deserve you. His wife is not the problem – he is choosing not to see you. I am so, so sorry.
If you feel that giving your dad the ultimatum that he must choose his long lost daughter over his clingy wife, then do it. Just be prepared for getting a result you don’t want. While I do understand your desire for a relationship, a connection with your father, he has an established life and you are a virtual stranger to him and certainly not in a power position to force him to give up his wife or ignore her wishes to meet with you. Your short meeting in person with him could cause him months of torment from his wife and he has to weigh that in the equation, even if you don’t think it’s important. Your needs/wants/desires are no more important than his needs/wants/desires.
NTA.
However, your dad is not going to pick you. He had the same amount of time you did to look for you, yet you were the one who made the effort. He’s using his wife as an excuse. If he truly wanted to meet you, he would do it, but he’s not interested.
I’m sorry, OP. You’ve had a fantasy for a very long time, and I can’t imagine how much it must hurt to find him and be rejected. Just remember that the problem is him, not you. Move on from trying to achieve your dream and find/build your own family with people who love you and lift you up. If it’s possible, maybe try to get some therapy to help you process the situation and give you some tools to find your true strength.
Good luck. I hope you go on to have a wonderful, happy life.
NTA but unfortunately I think he’s already answered the question because he has already been picking her for whatever reason. Do what you need to do to move forward.
My dear, I hate to say it, but had you been a priority for him you wouldn’t be just reuniting at 17 when YOU tracked him down. You weren’t a priority for him and you aren’t now. I get a feeling this has little to do with wife and more to do with him. You can’t force him to suddenly step up and be a dad now. That’s a him call and it certainly wasn’t important to him previously
I know you built something up in your head and I get why, but that often ends in disappointment when you out a total stranger on a pedestal without looking at the whole picture.
I think you have fantasized about your father’s role in your life and are not being realistic. For whatever reason, he disappeared. You are now setting up a situation where you ask him to pick you over his wife. This will not end well for you. If you choose to go forward, only give a much energy in this relationship that you get. Whatever is going on with his wife, do not think that he is going to make it up to you by turning his life upside down. Do work through your very valid feelings with a therapist.
NTA. Screw him. You survived this long without a dad. Why bother at this point. He seems to the biggest deadbeat dad ever.
NTA. He’s already chosen and it’s not you. He’s put his wife above you. Let his come to you whenever he’s ready. Let him plan and spend the money. Go on with you.
He picked his new family over you. YWBTA to give the ultimatum. Accept him for who he is and move forward with your life.