ETA: Okay I get it. I’m not trying to be controlling but I can see how it would come off this way. I’ll make my schedule clear to all involved parties and hope for the best. I’m an emotional mess right now and that’s not her problem.
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I (31F) am getting married next fall. My MoH (Kelly 31F) is my best friend from college. I asked her officially to be my MoH about 4 months ago, but unofficially talked with her about it a year ago. She was super excited and said of course. I was also her MoH about 5 years ago. My fiancee and I are each only having one person stand up with us, not a big wedding party. We’re also handling most of the extraneous planning, no expectations for the MoH for a huge wedding shower or bachelorette party.
About 3 years ago Kelly and her husband moved to another state about 10 hours away. Since moving they haven’t visited much, aside from family Christmas celebrations. This doesn’t bother us much, life happens, we’re still each other’s best friends.
She reached out to me a few days ago and told me one of her husband’s good friends (Kyle) is having his wedding on Friday, the night before my wedding, in the same city. I reminded her that my rehearsal dinner is that evening and she said of course she’d be there but would probably go to Kyle’s reception later in the evening.
Kelly, her husband, and Kyle have all known each other since college as well, and many of their other college friends would be at Kyle’s wedding as well. I know Kelly wants to see all of her old friends and celebrate that night, but that group of friends is also very liable to go hard drinking.
Would I be the asshole for **asking** her not to attend Kyle’s wedding and **expressing my concerns**? She’s in town for me (originally). I need her to be my support that weekend. She can see them earlier in the week. I need her there for me for the rehearsal and the day of the wedding. I don’t think that’s too much to ask? I don’t want to tell her she can’t see other people that weekend, but I need her 100% in it on Friday and Saturday. Not hungover the morning and day of my wedding. I don’t want to be a bridezilla–does asking her to be there 100% for me make me an asshole?
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YWBTA if you told her she couldn’t go. If she’s your best friend then you could explain to her why you’re nervous about her going to another celebration the night before but you cannot ban her
YTA
Dictating how much she can drink because you don’t trust her not be hungover IS too much to ask. You ARE telling her that she “can’t see other people that weekend” when you tell her to see them earlier in the week.
She is a grown-up, who manages without your meddling in a different state. You may say, once, “Just a reminder that we are meeting at the hairdressers early on Saturday”. If she wants to go to Kyle’s reception after your rehearsal dinner then she will.
You don’t own her for the whole weekend.
YWBTA she’s your MOH not your servant for the weekend. She is allowed to do her own thing as long as she still shows up for you.
Yes YTA, she promised you that she will be there for all of your wedding events. You do not get to dictate her activities outside of that.
You come across as very unpleasant & entitled. She can go where she pleases
YTA
LMAO. I can’t believe you even have to ask.
YTA. It’s actually really convenient that it’s on the same weekend! She said she’d be at the rehearsal so I’m not seeing the issue outside of you being controlling.
Your feelings are valid, but focus on the time and sobriety required, not prohibiting the event. Boundaries are fair.
YTA
You don’t have any right to tell her where she can go or what she can do the day before your wedding.
She said she’d be there for your Rehearsal dinner (which honestly isn’t a big deal, tbh) and she’d be there for your wedding.
You would be an AH to tell her she can’t visit her other friends that night at Kyle’s reception.
Yes, you would be the asshole. You don’t get to dictate what Kelly does. You get one day to get married. One.
Think long and hard about what you are about to ask your friend because if I were her I’d be very mad at you for suggesting that.
1. Your assumption that your moh will be hungover is BS. Lots of people drink heavily the night before weddings and manage to still have the ceremony uninterrupted. You also assume that she doesn’t know her own limits. You haven’t seen her regularly in years so you are judging based off of a younger version of herself and that will never go over well.
2. She is still prioritizing your scheduled events. She would be going *after* your rehearsal dinner. So she is missing the ceremony to rehearsal yours. If you didn’t plan anything major afterwards then you can assume your bridal party will think they are open to make plans during that time.
3. She is an adult with autonomy, at the end of the day all you can do is make a request and set your own boundaries. If you try to dictate people’s actions they will resent you.
I’m sorry but in my opinion if you wanted her 100% that should have been communicated earlier. Now it is too late and will just come off as reactionary and controlling.
> Would I be the asshole for asking her not to attend Kyle’s wedding?
Yes, YWBTA.
As long as she’s agreed to appear for all required events and activities, it’s none of your business.
YTA. Stop trying to control other people’s lives. Your friend not going to her friend’s wedding would impact them negatively. There are other people’s feelings to consider other than your own.