for context, i’ve recently been working hard to be more healthy and fit. i’ve been eating less and working out more, which resulted in me losing weight. i used to be skinny fat months ago, but now i’m getting more lean and really seeing big progress.
my family, especially my mother and sister, have always liked talking about people’s weight, especially within the family. it can consist of both positive and negative comments, depending on if you’re fat or fit. they always feel the need to point out something about it.
months ago, before my weight loss journey, my mom would always tell me that i’m getting fat or that i needed to lose weight. but now that i’m more active and committed to my weight loss journey, she has only been complimenting me.
today, my sister told me my face has gotten rounder, which obviously pissed me off cuz literally just a DAY before that, she complimented me and told me i look nice. like wow, WHEN is my body image gonna be good enough for you 😭 like when am i gonna get it right, holy shit ???
so obviously i snapped, not just because of what she said, but also because of multiple other instances in the past where my body image got picked apart by my family despite me actually looking pretty healthy and just right for my age and height.
i told her something along the lines of "please don’t talk about my body again. i worked hard to lose all this weight. remember when our aunt talked about your weight too, and you cried? so why are you doing the exact same thing to me? if you have insecurities about your body, don’t project that onto me."
and she went absolutely crazy, screaming and crying. telling me i was being too sensitive, when really i just made it clear that i didn’t like her talking about my body. though i think what really set her off was that i told her she has insecurities about her body and when she broke down, she kept on denying it. she actually did gain a lot of weight from motherhood and it was quite an insecurity years ago, but now she claims she’s not insecure anymore so idk.
she claims her comments on my body are coming from a place of love and care, and so she’s hurt that i thought anything bad about it.
i guess i shouldn’t have talked about her own "insecurity" (quotation marks bc she claims she’s not insecure about it) when defending myself, but i was just so fed up. what did you expect?? i literally just got home and this is the first thing you tell me.
growing up, my mother and my sister would NOT stop talking about their own and other people’s bodies. so much fixation on getting skinny, it’s seriously alarming. cuz that same obsessive mindset about body image seems to be getting ingrained into my niece and nephew’s brains as well — like, in what world is it normal for TODDLERS to be calling people "fat" or "skinny" literally in almost every conversation ??
i tried explaining myself but she wasn’t listening. mom took her side too (of course). i’m just so frustrated that none of the people in my family are seeing how toxic and weird this obsession they have with body image is. i don’t know about y’all? but i have never heard my friends and their families be this fixated on people’s bodies.
thoughts?
Sounds like they are projecting but that doesn’t make it okay, congrats on your weight loss.
edited to add a bit more context
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NTA. It must be hard to live in a family so very anxious and obsessed with weight. Good for you for trying to confront and hopefully lessen the insanity.
for real, it’s exhausting when your own family can’t see how toxic that mindset is
NTA but I think you know that. Your family IS toxic you’ve rationally pointed out all of their red flags. If you’re able I would distance myself from them. They feel low so they make it a point to drag other people down with them, they want you insecure like they are. This isnt a boundary they are gonna respect, if they ever respect any at all. The biggest question is what will you do when they ignore that boundary, what are the consequences going to be? They aren’t going to stop just because you want them to, and you shouldn’t have to put up with it
NTA, but I’m sure you didn’t really need to hear that. It’s clear you recognize how unhealthy and toxic their fixations on others’ bodies are. It’s perfectly reasonable to tell someone not to comment on your body. It is so ingrained in them however, that they may struggle to comply – even if they cared to, which they don’t seem to – which will probably mean you need to get some space from them. IDK what your age is but ideally you wouldn’t be living with them much longer, and you need the ability to walk away from a conversation if they can’t follow the simple rule.
As for your mention of her insecurity, I don’t think that was over the line. She’s just playing the victim by trying to suggest you were offensive when in reality everything they’ve done is ten times worse. Your mention of her own insecurity was not in any way an attack…you put it in terms of reminding her how much she has been hurt by this behavior in other people, and pointed out that her own insecurities are driving this desire to nitpick others. It’s essentially just fact, and it is something the should wake up to. Insecurities might drive someone to act a certain way but it doesn’t recuse them of responsibility to correct their behavior when they are being harmful to others, which your sister and mother are.
NTA. You set a simple boundary: stop commenting on my body.
Your sister only freaked out because you called out her hypocrisy, and your family is used to this toxic “body talk” being normal. You didn’t do anything wrong by standing up for yourself.
NTA. You’ve made it clear you don’t want them commenting on your body, and they refuse to oblige. It’s not like you’re responding by commenting on their bodies, you’re trying to get them to sympathize with your position.
Can you move out? This sounds like a terrible living situation.
NTA. Her comments very obviously do not “come from a place of love and care.” That’s a lie judgmental, superficial people tell to justify their behavior.
NTA – my family is like this too. shut it down EVERY TIME it is mentioned and eventually, they will get so annoyed that they stop talking about weight around you.
NTA. Your mother and sister are TA. Describing hurtful comments as done “out of love” is classic narcissistic behavior.
NTA. No one in your family cares how toxic and weird this obsession if because they get what they want. They get to drag you down to make themselves feel better about themselves. That’s your position, the one they mentally abuse so they can go back to feeling smug about themselves. This is what we describe as a toxic relationship.
“she claims her comments on my body are coming from a place of love and care, and so she’s hurt that i thought anything bad about it.” Yeah, she’s straight up lying to you. This is not anywhere remotely like love and care. This is cruelty. Now she is doing a classic manipulation to make you the problem because she is dragging you “from love” therefore you should accept the abuse and if you don’t it’s because you can’t see that. Just manipulation and guilt to keep you in her abuse.