I never had a great relations with my family, but ironically my family had great relationships with me. I was always available, sympathetic and understanding, but I was raised by a mother with severe pre- and post partum depression, wich impacted my integration with the family.
My siblings never learned to include me or talk to me with love, because they saw my mothers treatment of me. As children it wasnt that big of a barrier, I was a ruff child, having been through worse, and survived by my own strenght. I dont think I even noticed before we became teenagers.
But when I had a crisis at 19 it became obvious that I was not even almost important. I wasnt innocent in what happened, but it was also not forseable and the outcome was so detrimental that any sympathetic person would have wanted to help me. My family let me me slip into depression and isolation, acting irritated when interacting with me.
I moved away. It was never talked about again, and my siblings feel like strangers to me, but they still expect me to show up with a smile and a listening ear for special occations. They have helped with practical things if I ask, but I learned early not to ask of anything.
I went LC with mother and bio brother a few years back, and of my to (step)sisters I only really talk to the one who has children, and there is where the conflict lay.
My stepfather is in hospice, Its close, and my family are grieving and rallying close. And I have never felt more excluded.
On one hand, I realise very much that this situation isnt about me, and I should set my own feelings aside, as this is a one of – and "familyyyy" and all that. On the other hand, I also went through grief, brutal and also lifethreatening. And the stark contrast is eating at me.
How can I give what I didnt recieve, and how do I know that giving more wont depleat me, when there is no one here(incuding my self) who stands up for me?
So will I be the asshole if I stay home at chiristmas when I know I could help my sister and nephews feel better for one day?
NTA. You are not intrinsically obliged to be their emotional support human. Putting yourself first is a valid response.
Haha, thank you for this responce. You made me smile through my trailing thoughts. Emotional support human is a very good description <3
NTA at all.
I can imagine it may be hard to set the boundary, but you don’t owe people explanations! If you want to be careful with them you can tell them that you need your time and your space.
You’re being good to yourself too, and this is a good thing.
Thank you for this responce. It feels almost like its a throw down if I dont go, but you are right. I am allowed to have bad days too, and if I dont want to elaborate, I dont have to <3
Your mental health needs outweigh their convenience. Nta.
NTA.
If your presence would make them feel better, they should behave in ways that makes you want to be present. They just want you there to abuse so they don’t turn on each other. You’re the scapegoat.
Enjoy your holidays and that would be without them.
Nta. Therapy for you, and vote for yourself first.
<3
NTA – I’m not one with a tit for tat attitude BUT they haven’t been there for you Stay home and have a peaceful holiday.
Thank you! I check myself for the tit for tat, because sometimes the thoughts become less constructive than I like, and that is not helpful. But its like you say, it goes both ways, and no one can give what they dont have. Hope you have a peacefull holiday as well <3
NTA, you are not their emotional support animal. You take care of yourself and stop worrying about them. Get some therapy, find hobbies that you like, and it’s okay to cut off anyone who means you no good. It’s time to worry about you
People say it here often, and it’s very true in your case:
Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
If that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. If you are willing to go LC or NC with these people then do it. You are not obliged to have a relationship with anyone. It does sound like whatever you went through was very painful and I would think about therapy but you’re old enough to have considered this and to make decisions that are right for you. It’s a big decision but you’re NTA
NTA not even close. If you want to stay home for Christmas (or literally any other day/occasion) you absolutely should. You can’t pour from an empty cup! Please spoil yourself. You absolutely deserve it.