I (37F) have two children, 5M and 7F. Their Christmas gifts are already bought and paid for, and their Christmas is settled. My sister, 35F, have two kids of her own, 2M and 4M. My sister’s husband died in September, and the grief has absolutely destroyed her. It has prevented her from celebrating holidays with her kids. I have been very supportive and have been there for her and her children. I took her kids out trick-or-treating with mine when she was going through a very big wave of grief and felt unable to. I have also taken her kids to my house for the weekend when she needed a break. I have never invalidated her grief.
We know Christmas this year is going to be extremely tough for her and her kids. My whole family and I made sure her kids had plenty of gifts because my sister felt like she wasn’t able to go Christmas shopping without breaking down. I’m in a bit of a tough spot as I recently got into a minor car accident (nobody was hurt) and need to pay to fix damages, while my husband and I both work paycheck to paycheck.
Recently my sister called me and told me she didn’t feel like her kids had enough gifts. I told her that I’m sorry if she doesn’t think it’s enough, that I tried, and I don’t really have much spending money since all of the money I’m making is going towards fixing our car and groceries/other necessities. I let her know that she can always order some more gifts online and have them come after Christmas if it’s too hard to go shopping in person, but she was adamant she wanted them to open everything on Christmas. I got a bit upset at this, because I really tried everything with the situation I’m in. My parents stepped in to get her and the kids gifts as well. I understand grief can cause people to be irrational, but I can’t help but feel annoyed at the way she’s treating my help. So, AITAH?
If it’s not finances that are stopping her from buying her kids gifts, but the fact that she can’t emotionally handle it then why not just ask for her credit card and do the shopping for her?
Oh, that’s actually a very simple solution lmfao.
I’m not sure why I didn’t think of that.
I was gonna say the same thing. You’re too in the situation to see the obvious, it happens to all of us lol
Well she could have suggested that herself when you told her you didn’t have any extra money to spend on her kids
It’s barely been 3 months since she lost her husband… Losing a partner suddenly like that is a lasting devastation, and the first holidays without them are even worse. I doubt the sister has even considered this option if she’s unable to enter a store without a breakdown right now, and hopefully she jumps at the chance to hand over her credit card for OP to handle last minute gifts. If this is truly about mental load (not finances), it sounds like the perfect solution.
Remember grief makes the brain do weird things and is a constant mire that’s tough to break through, esp when the wounds are this fresh.
NTA
Her children are 2 & 4. They aren’t even going to remember this christmas. You can literally give them empty boxes, colored painters tape and washable markers and they will be thrilled to mark up the boxes. They would just need a little supervision and your sister is their parent and needs to step up. Where are the grandma’s in this situation? They are usually the ones who make the magic for kids. Is your sister playing the whole team to do all the heavy lifting with the children.
They’ve been the ones decorating cookies with the kids and setting up the Christmas tree, they’ve also got them gifts!
Edit to clarify: Our side of the family is doing it all. Her husband’s side of the family hasn’t spoken to her since he passed.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. it’s ok to say no. Everyone is supporting the children and giving them Christmas.The children aren’t even going to notice more gifts. Just keep telling sis you love her but there isn’t a need for more gifts.
NTA. This is a really sad situation. Its obviously not JUST about her not wanting to shop because she will breakdown. If that WERE the case she would give you the money and ask you to shop for her. She’s not doing that. You’ve done what you can. Also, it doesn’t matter how many gifts they have, the 1st Christmas without their dad is going to suck matter what. More gifts won’t fix that.
I think you’re allowed to be annoyed by her asking for more gifts, but she also deserves some grace during this hard time. Presents aren’t going to bring their dad back, but she’s probably caught up with the idea of more and more for a distraction. NTA. You sound like a good sister, and support comes in many ways
I think your sister is expecting too much from you. She needs to get help for her grief, if nothing else, at least for her own kids.
That doesn’t mean that you become an alternate parent and caregiver and provider.
NTA
Your nta, but I think someone needs to tell your sister it’s not the gifts she feels like isn’t enough or missing. It’s her husband and the father of her children that is missing. She’s missing her husband and misplacing those feelings. Keep being straightforward and honest, but also give grace and remember grief will never be easy.
Ok I get that you bought her kids gifts so she didn’t have to shop…but she didn’t even help by PAYING? I’m sorry but you sister needs to figure out her ish. She needs to put her mom pants on and step up for those kids.
NAH. Widow here. The Year of Firsts sucks. (First Halloween without him, First Thanksgiving without him, First Christmas, First Birthday . . . you get the picture. It feels like an endless parade of pain and loss on what should be happy occasions.)
Your sister is lucky to have the support of you and the rest of the family. Thank you for doing that. It matters so much, even though right now there’s probably nothing that can heal the depth of her loss and grief.
It’s actually great that she’s able to talk about things she feels are lacking ahead of Christmas for the kids; it means at the very least she’s engaged enough to notice things and have opinions, and not paralyzed by grief, fear and loss, so overwhelmed that she’s disengaged.
That being said, you’re not expected to sacrifice the stability of your household to hold hers together. Do what you can for her and her kids in this horrible season of their lives, but know where the line is for you, and don’t cross it. You’re not the only people trying to help them through. Maybe when she has a need you can’t meet, make a few phone calls to others who care about them. A LOT of folks want to help but don’t know what is needed.