I (35) have been trying to care for my mother (70F) as she gets older. She’s got COPD and an oxygen machine, and it’s getting harder for her to walk. I try to handle the dishes and the trash, carry anything heavy like the pots, pans, and furniture. I constantly wake up at 3 am to clean up her urine, jump out of bed when I hear a loud thud because I’m so scared it’s her.
I *used to* work a full-time job to support us financially, but my seizure disorder stopped allowing that. Functional Neurological Disorder. The room hasn’t stopped spinning since 2016.
In exchange, she’s the household’s designated driver. That’s how my sister gets to work, how I get to physical therapy, etc. Just walking out to get in the car is extremely hard on her joints, so I’ve had to give up socializing with local groups because I have no transportation.
Back when I lost my job and got diagnosed, my childhood friend picked me up and took me across state lines for a week-long vacation at her house.
That was four years ago. Her birthday’s coming up this weekend and she wants me there. I want to go. I think it would be really healing, not to be on-call as a medical assistant for a few days while I’m dealing with my own disorder. My friends and my therapist all agree. They keep telling me that I can’t wait potentially 10-20 years to get out and live my own life.
My family (EDIT: just my mom and sister) says it’s unfair for me to leave my mom without a caretaker while my sister’s at work.
So, reddit, if I took a week off to see my friends, WIBTA?
NTA, but look into respite care. It’s a lifechanger.
No. You would not be an asshole. Why can’t your other family members step up to give you a break? Everyone deserves time for themselves.
Please go on this trip and leave it to your sister/mom/other family members to create a care plan for your mom.
NTA. Time for your family to do their part. They can either sub in for you or pay for an aide.
NTA – the family who is saying you’re being unfair should step in for a few days if they’re so concerned. I write this as I sit next to my mom’s hospital bed, being in a caretaker role constantly is so exhausting, and you also need to put yourself first sometimes because it’s YOUR life and you weren’t put on this earth just to care for others. Go to the party, have a few days of not worrying and remember you also deserve fun in the middle of this messy time.
NTA. Unless you’re really well off, there are likely options for respite care, or other services. If you have a local Area Agency on Aging, ARC or similar resource center I would give them a call and see what might be available for help. YOu should look into that for more regular support as it is.
Maybe im not reading close enough, but Im having trouble seeing where a woman that is capable of driving isn’t capable of being home alone over work hours .
I feel like if she isn’t, perhaps her driving is a bit questionable?
If it’s unsafe for your mother to be home alone and you take a vacation without coordinating a backup or alerting someone to need to coordinate a backup….
Yta. But not for taking a vacation!
Just prepare them by warning ppl it will happen and figure out either people stopping by during your sister’s work hours. Or someone else planning on staying with her.
Or look into part time companions for a short term.
Based on you saying your family is concerned, it sounds like you already told everyone prior to the trip, so i feel like there’s not an issue with what you’re doing at all. Family is bringing up concern about mom? Great! Family should figure out a way to step in to watch mom while youre gone.
Problem solved.
But i am still wondering: does she even need that? If she’s ok enough to drive, is she not ok enough to be by herself over work hours for a few days?
Go relax, make sure you get that break. Live your life without being on alert for a little bit. You do need that, dont feel guilty about it– your mom getting the care ahe needs and you having a vacation should not be mutually exclusive. Just make sure you’re getting the support both of you need.
May want to speak with mom’s primary care doc asap about respite care for her while you’re gone so she is safe and you can enjoy your visit. It could be covered by her insurance.
NTA. Caregiver fatigue is real. You are allowed to have a break. You are allowed to do fun things. You are allowed to live. If your mother truly, objectively, cannot manage her own care, then you need to get in touch with a social worker. See if you qualify for respite care, a part time in home care giver, possible home OT and PT visits to help with mobility and activities of daily living. Anything. If your family kicks up, they are welcome to come help. Family helps family? OK. Put your money where your mouth is, and help. Financial or physical IRL. No thoughts and prayers. No guilting you.
Why are you cleaning her urine? If she can drive, surely she can walk to the toilet, or use adult diapers at night, or a commode?
Your family can either
A. Get you some respite care or
B. Keep their mouths shut.
Tell those family members that it’s important for people like you to get respite and they need to chip in for a week and help the mother.
Otherwise, you’ll get so disabled that you won’t be able to take care of your mom
Your FAMILY needs to shut up and step up. Tell them to figure out their schedules for when you’re gone and make it happen. You’ll see them when you get back. And mean it.
Yes and no. If you’ve taken the responsibility to care for your mother then it’s your responsibility to also find care or other arrangements for her while you’re away. You’re NTA for wanting a break. Things are only going to get harder as her disease progresses and she is unable to walk from being out of breath.
I understand your point because I also became a primary care giver for my mother with COPD, also oxygen dependent, for 8 years.
Things to do:
Take to her primary and see if she is eligible for some in home care.
You can get paid by the state to be a stay at home full time care giver for an ailing family member.