throwaway account, this isnt as juicy as some other posts on here.
I (16F) had plans this weekend to go out with three of my friends. let’s call them Ally (16F), Jenny (16F) and Ralph (16M). I go to school with Ally and Jenny and have been close them for at least 5 years, and I met Ralph just a few months ago ago but we got close quickly and I consider him one of my best friend along with the other 2. he doesn’t go to our school and he hasn’t met Ally or Jenny in real life, they’ve only talked on group chats but ive talked about him extensively to Ally and Jenny and vice versa.
Ralph opened up to me about his school friends being distant and excluding him from hangouts and such, and I immediately suggested we go out for a fun day out in the city as we haven’t seen each other in a while. I invited Ally and Jenny (he agreed to this) as they’ve been anticipating a hang out for quite a while as well, and im hyped to go out with all my closest friends.
heres where the issue starts. I overheard conversations that Ally and Jenny were having with their other friends today at lunch (we have quite a large friend group but the three of us are quite close in my eyes). they were discussing plans they’d made with literally everyone who goes to our lunchroom other than me, and it stung a lot to see these people Didn’t even think to invite me to ANYTHING. I’ve been thinking about it all day and I’ve noticed that I was getting excluded from a lot. I don’t think it’s necessarily intentional, just that they forget to invite me or don’t think about it.
i confided in Ralph about this and he agreed that it was shitty. at this point, the only reason I was still going to the hang out was because I missed Ralph and it was too late to uninvite Ally and Jenny. it’s not that I hate them but I need space to freely and openly vent to Ralph about feeling left out. then Ralph dropped the bomb: he got grounded and wasn’t allowed to go out on the weekend.
now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go out without Ralph, especially after finding out im not wanted with these other friends. im almost 100% sure they only agreed to come in order to meet Ralph anyway.
ive been excited to go out all week as we were planning to go to a cosy comic shop/library type deal where they offered tea and cookies, but i think going there with Jenny and Ally would ruin my mood right now. I want to cancel but still want to go to that shop by myself, im scared in case I run into either of them and I don’t want to go on the other day of the weekend as they want to be in the city that day too and I can’t handle the embarrasment of possibly seeing them (you are bound to run into people you know in the city centre at the most inconvenient times). I have a bit of extra money and want to treatmyself as exams will be over, but I don’t want to do it if I have to run into Jenny or Ally.
sorry if this sounds weird, I don’t know how else to explain this and English isn’t my first language.
Have you considered talking to your friends about being left out? Avoiding and canceling on them isn’t going to help you any. NAH
NTA. The main reason for the hangout was to see Ralph, I would just text them “Hey guys, Ralph got grounded and can’t go. Are you guys fine if we do a rain check and all hang out some other time?”.
That way, it pressures the group to accept the cancellation, wouldn’t make you look like a liar if they do see you. If they really want to hang out together, it will show that they do care about you and want to spend time with you.
YWBTA just go, and have an honest conversation about what you have typed here. Also everyone doesn’t always have to do the same things. It’s ok for you to do things with different groups, and it is ok for them to do things with different groups. What is not okay is ditching people once you have actually made plans. Maybe you will end the friendship after you talk, maybe you won’t, but you need to talk about it with them.
You say that you, Ally, and Jenny are “quite close”. How does that match up with Ally and Jenny making lots of plans with other people in your friend group, yet not inviting you? Are you sure the three of you are as close as you believe?
If you cancel the group plans but go to the originally planned hangout spot, why should you feel embarrassed if you run into them? You already said you really wanted to see Ralph, who’s unavailable, so whose business is it if you go someplace anyways? You’re allowed to do things without them, just as they’re allowed to do things without you.
Do you even care about them finding out RN? At such a moment, taking some distance to clear your head is a very healthy thing to do. You could still phrase it in a way where you dont wanna go together anymore because of ralph not being allowed to go out, without saying you are gonna go on your own. If they find out, tell them how you feel and that you are excluding them the same way they did to you.
NTA, but if you deal with this wrongly it could be a case of ESH
YWBTA if you don’t talk to them about it. I know it’s awkward, but just tell them that you feel left out and see how they respond. You can decide from there if you want to hang out or even still be friends, but this cloud of uncertainty over your head isn’t going to go away until you understand why they seem to be excluding you.
NTA.. But it does sound like you’re thinking too much into it.. Do your friends have to include you in everything they do?