I tried to provide as much context as possible, but the word limit made it hard. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
When I (23f) was a junior and senior in college, I lived with two girls: Sarah (21f) and Dani (23f). Fake names for anonymity. While we had our moments like any roommates/friends do, we mostly got along great together. My life revolved so much around Sarah and Dani for almost two years, and I considered them to be my close friends.
In the winter of my senior year, Sarah got engaged to her high school sweetheart, Adam (22m). Sarah started planning her wedding almost immediately. One thing that Sarah told us was that she was not going to have a bridal party. Instead, she was going to have her close friends and family wear a certain color to take photos with, making it look like she had bridesmaids. She told both Dani and me that we would be included in this. Both Dani and I were excited about this and agreed on the spot.
Eventually, our lease ended. I stayed in my college town because I got a full-time job there immediately after graduation. Dani ended up going back home. Sarah, however, moved out to the neighboring city for her full-time job.
Then, things started to change. One time, when we were hanging out, Sarah mentioned her bridal party. I didn’t think too much of it. She had also mentioned at the beginning that if she were to have a bridal party, it would consist of her sister (18f) and Adam’s sisters.
Another time, while we were on a call, Dani mentioned the dress color thing because we were both starting to look for dresses. When Dani asked if we could wear green, the chosen color that Sarah had mentioned, Sarah said, “My close friends and family are wearing green, but you’re more than welcome to wear green as well.”
Fast forward a few months, and I run into Becca (22f). She subleased Dani’s room in our house when Dani went home for the summer. We were chatting and catching up when she suddenly mentioned Sarah’s bachelorette weekend.
That’s when I started to get confused. I called Dani and explained the situation. She also had no idea that Sarah had a bridal party/bachelorette weekend. We both were a bit put off by the fact that Becca was a part of the celebrations while we weren’t. Why wouldn’t we be included if Becca was?
We lived with Sarah for two years. We knew she was getting engaged because Adam had told us prior. Dani did her nails so they would look nice for photos. We celebrated when she came back. We were both under the impression that we would be involved, but we had been left in the dust and expected to attend as guests. It almost feels like a slap in the face.
After all of this, Reddit, I need your advice. Would I be the asshole if I skipped the wedding? Any advice would be appreciated! TIA!
NAH because well I feel like a conversation might be good before you cancel attendance to the whole thing?
Oh for sure, I wouldn’t just drop out without saying anything. I guess I was just wondering if I would be the asshole if I dropped out for the following reasons. Word count really killed my post. So much added context that I couldn’t put in😭
I think YWBTA if you don’t talk to her, as not attending would essentially be ending the friendship. A little communication would go a long way before going nuclear.
NAH – you’re allowed to not go, but I do think you should talk to her first. I’m not sure why everything is going the way it is, so she may feel blindsided if you just tell her you’re not coming without an explanation. As much as it is her wedding and she can do what she wants, I get why it does feel like a slap in the face that she’s had things turn out the way they did, especially since you considered her a close friend.
NAH.
It sounds like Sarah was close with you and Dani when your lives orbited a lot more closely. Which makes sense. Y’all lived together, you were students together, etc. At the time she got engaged she saw her relationship with the two of you as important.
She’s given you several hints that this has changed even in this post. I’m guessing there have been more hints that aren’t included here (even just how often she talks to you two, texts, sees you, etc.). It’s reasonable to assume she’s become closer with others during that time, and Becca may be included in people she feels closer to for any number of reasons.
You have four viable options at this point:
a) Decide you are also fine with letting the friendship go. Don’t go to the wedding. Continue to drift out of each others’ lives.
b) Talk to her about the fact that you feel less close to her than you previously were and would like to change that if she’d also like to change that. Don’t act entitled to be included in her wedding party or at her bachelorette (you have no idea how that was planned or who planned it, after all). Just share your observation that she clearly feels less close to you and say you want to work on the relationship. Go to the wedding. See if she reciprocates your efforts after she is married. If she does not, let the friendship go.
c) Confront her directly about why you weren’t included and try to have a very honest conversation. If that goes poorly then tell her you’re not going and that the friendship is over. Expect her to feel stressed or attacked and get defensive, aggressive, or even passive aggressive. You’re basically telling her you think you’re entitled to be given special attention at her wedding events because the two of you once lived together and because you supported her engagement however long ago. If she’s stressed with wedding planning and juggling new and old friendships, this is not going to help. If you push it too far, she’s probably going to reconsider the friendship all together because it is going to become clear you think her wedding should be about you and that gives main character energy.
d) Go to the wedding. Celebrate and have fun with Dani and other friends. See how wanted or unwanted you feel after that and, if it’s still bugging you, have a conversation or end the friendship. But only do this if you can genuinely be happy for the couple and not sour faced about the ways others might be included.
To be honest though, I don’t see this as the slap in the face that you seem to see it as. She has other important people in her life who she already told you she’d be including if she did have a bridal party. She’s entitled to change her mind as to what she wants for her wedding as she starts planning. She may not even be the one making the bachelorette list and you have no idea right now why Becca was included (Becca may have invited herself, Becca may be close to someone else who is there, etc.). I included two people at my bachelorette who I don’t feel close to. One was because a very close friend who didn’t know most of my other people well was having serious health issues and I wanted her to have a mutual friend there for support. The other was because a coworker I am friendly with happened to be in the town I was having my bachelorette in that weekend and it was awkward not to include her for professional reasons at the point it came up. I have other friends who I’m closer to, in theory, but I had a limit of 12 people for some of my activities and that was the group that made sense.
It’s hard to make these decisions especially when considering cost, travel, a group getting along together, ensuring compatibility for choices like alcohol consumption (more of an issue if younger siblings or coworkers are included), etc.
Sometimes we are close to people because of the things we share in common (like a living space or way of living life) and when that’s the basis of a friendship those friendship tend to change when that common basis is no longer there unless everyone involved puts in work.
Just because someone did her nails when she did get engaged does not mean they are entitled to the same level of intimacy forever. It’s typical for friendships to change with stage of life changes. If she was that good of a friend and you’re now that hurt, it’s probably worth talking to her about it. But there is no big mystery here and it doesn’t sound like an intentional slight or like she has anything against you.
Just that she’s probably closer to other people at this stage of her life. Your post makes it clear it’s been at least a year since she got engaged and that in that year she’s moved towns, graduated college, etc. It’s entirely natural for her plans and for who she feels close to to change with those kind of life changes and in that time frame.
She told you she doesn’t consider you her current closest friends but that you are still her friends when she told you about wearing green the second time. You are firmly in wedding guest territory at this point with her and that doesn’t mean she’s done anything wrong by putting you there.
This is such a thoughtful reply with such reasonable choices laid out. Thank you.
Exactly this.
OP, please read this well-written post and take it to heart. Friendships evolve. Celebrate a happy moment in your friend’s life without creating unnecessary drama.
Have you asked Sarah what’s going on? This is super weird.
On the whole, NTA, although I think at least asking about the problem is a better idea than just dropping with no context.
YTA. It seems to me since the beginning she’s been crystal clear about considering you [a friend], with a clear fustinction from the group of her CLOSE friends and family. While it’s absolutely valid to decline a friend’s wedding invitation for many reasons (not being available, not liking weddings, not liking crowds, etc.), it seems to me the only reason you have for not wanting to go after initially planning to is that you’re butthurt about considering her a close friend while she obviously only considers you as a friend, period, and former roomate, but still someone she likes enough to invite at her wedding. She never lied, never pretended you were her BFF, never led you on, so yeah, if that’s your only reason for not wanting to go anymore, that makes you TA.
I’d talk to her. It can be so stressful planning for a wedding; she maybe isn’t as organized about communicating plans as she could be.
Hopefully, that’s it. You will find out if you talk to her.
It depends, if tou want to keep the friend ship then you need to sit down and have a face to face convo with her explain that your hurt you was excluded and would have understood if she was only doing something for immediate family but that didnt appear to be the case. Then conform there, however if your not going to continue being friends then reach out let her know you wont be going and wish her all the best.
You are invited to the wedding but not to be a member of the bridal party. So, you have a choice, go to the wedding, take on the expense of travel and a wedding gift OR decline, send a nice Hallmark card, and expect, with luck, a few years of Christmas cards!