I’m a woman in my early 20s, in uni and for the foreseeable future, I am taking care of my niece due to unforeseen circumstances with my brother and SIL. My niece is 13, and understandably affected by the change, as she’s now living with me and my best friend, but it’s kind of like every night is a girls’ night so she also has fun. I ask that as you read this, you keep in mind that I’m 21, never dealt with childcare, so I am doing my best here, and trying.
The problem is, her friend from school is throwing a birthday party followed by a sleepover and she told me about this last week. I was totally okay with it then, thought it would be great for her to socialise with girls her age, and my parents never had restrictions when I was growing up so I slipped up and said yes without much thought. Later, it occurred to me and my bsf that we should meet with the girl’s parents, I don’t want to send my niece to a house of people I don’t know. I set up a meeting with the girl’s parents + brother and a few other parents of other attendees and it was okay. We treated it like a casual get to know each other thing. However, there were a few red flags about the girl’s older teenage brother. He’s 19 and lives at home (this is not the problem I have, just some info), has a record related to women (that I found out about from one of the other girls’ mother who did some digging), and I just didn’t get good vibes from him from the way he spoke to me, and the way the dad cackled at his unsavoury jokes.
I realise this may be judgmental but I don’t want to take any chances with my niece. Maybe I’m being overprotective but I also feel like you shouldn’t discredit your gut instincts with this kind of thing? I want to disallow her from attending the sleepover and tell her I’ll pick her up from the party or pick her up a little later at night but don’t want her to spend the night. She doesn’t have a phone either which I’m trying to sort out and find one for her soon, but I know this will upset her and I feel terrible that I said yes at first without thinking. WIBTA?
NTA. Be completely honest with her about why you changed your mind. Tell her about the dad who drugged those girls at a sleepover. Tell her to always trust her gut and yours, to listen to other women, and to prioritize safety over politeness.
A smartwatch might be a better investment than a phone, we found one that can call and message and has location tracking, but no app functions so no social media.
I don’t think being completely honest with a 13yo is a good idea. And kids talk, telling this girl her friends brother is a dangerous creep could turn into a WHOLE thing.
OP, Maybe tell your niece that a general policy you don’t think it’s safe for young teen girls to sleep over at houses with older teen boys. Not because you don’t trust HER but because you’re trying to keep her safe. And that if she gets invited to a sleep over when it’s only girls you’ll let her go. And that she could host one, again all girls, at yours .
YWNBTA.
What is his record related to women? If he has done something very bad, then I would distance myself from the family entirely because if he done bad things to women and the mom and dad allows him to live there then I wouldn’t want to be around someone who enables him to an extent
Lesson one: don’t promise anything off the cuff.
You just need to be honest with her about the rushed decision (no need to go into details about father and son)
Let her get upset and have her moment. Then offer her the options.
1. Go to party and get picked up at X time
2. Don’t go to party.
You’re the adult and sadly it won’t always feel like “girls night”
You can always offer a sleepover at yours for one of her friends to make up for it.
Hopefully other parents pull out also and it’ll be fine
My best advice is that you should sit your niece down and talk with her about your concerns before deciding anything, tell her about what you’ve learned and ask if she’s also picked up bad vibes from the brother, ask if she would be ok sleeping over knowing what she knows now. The best thing you can do is give her all the information needed to make an informed decision.
NAH. In future don’t agree until you can agree. You did everything right. Only thing that may have helped if you asked if the 19 and/or dad would even be there on that day. Its becoming more common for dads/brothers to just scatter just to make sure everyone feels safe and secure. This is not you being overprotective, this is you very very understandably needing a few more “parent” reps as it were.
You are doing great though. Perhaps reach out to the other parents of the attendees and get a sense on their feelings?
Thank you! I have reached out to a few mums who are on the fence (especially the one who told me about the brother’s record), but I also don’t want to ‘go with the herd’ and risk anything? I feel doubly responsible for my niece’s wellbeing since my brother and SIL are dealing with health issues and trust me to keep her safe for them so even if other parents send their kids, I’m leaning away from it. I did tell her I’d pick her up late, around 10pm and she can arrange for a sleepover of her own at my place at a later date since it’s me and my bsf and since my niece moved in, we don’t bring men back to our apartment unless it’s close friends we know and trust who leave after a while.
NTA, better safe than sorry girl. You’re being very responsible and protecting your niece from potential harm. It’s admirable that you can care for her like that when you’re just 21.
I’d be honest with your niece and this could be a good teaching opportunity: tell her that you have subsequently discovered further information that concerns you (tell her an age appropriate version of what information if you think it’s appropriate) and you don’t want to say no but you have to take her safety into consideration. Tell her what your potential solutions are and ask her what she would consider to be a reasonable compromise. She may surprise you with a mature response and she will probably be more likely to respond well to a compromise if she feels like she has been included in the resolution rather than just told – a lot has already happened that’s out of her control so she’ll probably appreciate having a say in the outcome. This is also a good opportunity to talk to her about trusting your instincts and taking care of your safety.
NTA
I’m the father of a 13 yo girl and strongly believe in trusting your instincts in cases like this.
Yes, your niece will be upset; explain your reasoning to her later and trust that she’ll eventually get that you were looking out for her.
NTA. You are early 20’s and already doing it better than so many parents out there. You have to trust your gut, and you can tell her why. You can also offer her that she can “sleepunder” and get picked up late (like 11) and make sure to let the other parents know; my guess is a few will be on board and join in. Let her know that this is a process and that sometimes her safety has to come before fun. And that you’re making this decision but it will always be case by case. I have a 13 year old. Trust me, she’ll be mad, but she will understand.
And most importantly she will know that people in this world absolutely love her and want what is best for you. You’re doing that for her now.
NTA. “Niece, it is my job to keep you safe, and I have a bad gut feeling about this boy. The way he was behaving makes me think there’s a possibility of him being gross and weird, even harmful. I’d be ok with you going to the party but I don’t want you to spend the night after. Maybe we can set up a slumber party here for next weekend? Who would you want to invite?”
NTA. a 19 year old with a record involving women living in the house where 13 year old girls are sleeping is an absolute no. your gut is right. let her go to the party and pick her up before the sleepover starts. shell be upset but keeping her safe matters more than her being mad at you for a week