**Would I be the asshole if I skip this retreat and then feel resentful if my partner goes?**
I’m struggling with a medicine retreat my partner of 6 months wants me to attend this summer. Part of me feels obligated to support him, but I also feel anxious and burdened because a female friend of his (38F) with very porous boundaries will be there. Honestly, I’d feel relief if the retreat didn’t happen, which makes me question whether going aligns with my well-being.
I feel jealous and uneasy about this friend. He’s known her online for 1.5 years and met her 4 times in person. We’ve both witnessed behavior we consider immoral: she hosted a retreat we attended where she was openly involved with a married man (overnight loft situation), and later she gossiped to me about his wife in really degrading ways. She also loudly discusses her sex life in public and makes disrespectful comments about other women. All of this from someone who hosts “love and light” medicine retreats.
I trust my partner, but I don’t feel good about this friendship. I struggle with why he is friends with someone like this. He also briefly admitted he once viewed her as a potential dating partner.
He says he’ll attend the retreat even if I don’t. It’s overnight and involves altered states, and the idea of staying home while he goes makes me feel sidelined and unprotected. He says finding his “tribe” matters to him. I feel like a man prioritizing his future wife might opt out.
At the same time, I love him deeply. We’re talking about combining homes, marriage, and family. He’s made real sacrifices for me and has distanced himself from her to make me more comfortable. We’re even in couples counseling to work through this. He wants me to “grow” past the jealousy, but sometimes that makes me feel judged or looked down on.
The highs in our relationship are extremely high, but this issue creates intense lows and resentment. I want peace, but I also don’t want to control him or ignore my own boundaries.
Would I be wrong to skip the retreat and then struggle with resentment if he goes? How do you balance honoring your boundaries while respecting your partner’s friendships?
NAH
I understand you feel uncomfortable with this woman and it’s OK to not be OK with him going there. However you’ve only seen each other for 6 months, so expecting him to “opt out if he thinks your wife material” seems a bit weird and overly obsessed. Most people don’t think about marriage seriously after such a short period of time in a relationship. (I understand he at least joins into talking about it, which maybe is a little red flag… is he love bombing you? Definitely don’t marry him after such a short time, especially if you don’t trust him to not ditch you for this other woman).