I (24F) am graduating from my master’s program in May, and my family is throwing a party after the ceremony. They said I could invite a few close friends to celebrate with my extended family. The problem is my family is EXTREMELY homophobic, and one of my closest friends is trans.
I am a lesbian myself, but have only come out to my immediate family and friends. I live at home because it was cheaper while in grad school, but it’s honestly been a living nightmare living with my homophobic family. I made a close group of queer friends since coming out, and they have genuinely helped me so much over the past 2 years. My friend, Ash (25NB – uses they/them/he/him pronouns), has supported a lot as well.
I invited 2 friends from grad school to come to the family grad party, but I am planning on doing a friends-only celebration the weekend after. One of my friends is Ash’s sister (though Ash isn’t in college themselves), so Ash asked if they could come to the party as well. I explained it’s a smaller event, and my family will definitely misgender them and ask invasive questions about hormones, genitals, etc. I told them I would rather celebrate with all my friends in a more relaxed setting. However, they still insist on going to the family event.
Over text, Ash said, "You’re one of my closest friends, so I don’t care having spend time around transphobic people if it means celebrating you!" But I don’t think they understand HOW BAD my family is. My parents are more covert with homophobia, but my grandparents, aunt, and uncle regularly make horrific comments in public even if gay people aren’t present. I’m not even out to my extended family yet, and don’t plan to be until I’m in a serious relationship. I don’t want them to make Ash dysphoric, and I really don’t want to spend my whole graduation trying to police my family.
Is it selfish to not invite them? Should I uninvite my other friends and just make it strictly family? I care about them, but I don’t feel safe about the situation. I genuinely don’t know what to do…
EDIT: Ash is from a big city in the north, and I am from the deep south. We both live in a larger city now, but I don’t think they’re aware of how bad it is where I am from. (My grandad dead ass has a confederate flag in his living room…). Also, Ash is autistic and genuinely the sweetest human ever, but they do tend to get overstimulated easily if people insult them- they’re a grown adult, but I have seen them get hurt in the past, and I really don’t want that happening again.
NTA – you’re preventing them from being bombarded by trans-phobic people. Though they say they’re ok with that, it’s really not a situation you’d want to put a friend in if it can be avoided.
I’d do \*just\* family for that event, this way no one feels left out at all (you’re not having any friends there at all).
YTA
Cut out toxic family that don’t support you, your lifestyle choices, or your friends.
Ditch your own grad party and go have a party with the people that actually love and support you.
YWBTA. Ash already told you they wouldn’t mind being around your family as long as they still get to celebrate you. Excluding them after they said that feels pretty unfair. I get you want to protect them, but you already warned them about your family and they said they’d be fine with it, so trust them on this. If you really don’t feel comfortable with that, then make the event strictly for family.
You’re right- I think I may need to make it strictly family bc I don’t want anyone feeling excluded, but I think the bigger problem is me being too scared to deal with my family than they are.
NAH I totally get that. In an ideal world you could tell your bigoted relatives to fuck off, but sometimes you have to pick your battles. And honestly, at your own party, do you want to have to deal with that? I don’t think either of you are AHs for an unfortunate situation all around.
But side note, congrats op!!! I have a masters myself so I understand how much work that is. From one lesbian with a masters to another, cg and kick ass!
NTA . Tell your friend it’s LITERALLY about their safety because your family is fucking crazy .
And that you will have a second friends only party .
YWBTA this is your friend’s decision. You lay out all the facts and that’s your job as friend. If you decide not to invite them as a form of protection you’re taking away the autonomy to make their own decisions, which is insulting and invalidating.
Will your friend regret going? I mean, probably, but it’s still their choice.
Edit ✍🏻 I would invite everyone or no one
I think this is a case where your friend gets to decide what’s safe for them or not and also gets the option to leave at any point. I don’t think you’re being an AH cause you’re trying to protect your friend, but I also think that marginalized folks can make decisions for themselves too.
This is very tough . I completely understand both sides. Having said that , I think you have to put yourself first here . It sounds like not only will your friend be made to feel very uncomfortable and assumedly not welcome but you will also be on edge as well most of the day . I hope they understand that not putting them in this situation is for both of your benefits and that you will celebrate together when you can really be relaxed and having a great time. Congratulations on your graduation!
At this point, Ash knows about the party. They know if you don’t invite them, it’s intentional. And no matter how concerned you are for them, they’ll suspect you’re also avoiding discomfort yourself, and they’ll be right.
Ash has asked to come to the party. You’ve told them your reservations, and they still want to be there. If you exclude them, you have to be straightforward with them (and you) about why: you think your family is more than they can handle, and you want to keep the peace.
It’s worth asking if you’d rather stay in your extended family’s good graces or in your friend’s. Especially since you’ll come out eventually anyway. You’ll need friends when it happens.
NTA, yet. But there’s potential.
Soft YWBTA. You are trying to look out for your friend, but they have been warned about how bad your family is and they still want to come. It would be one thing if you are just having a family get together but by already inviting two of your friends, you are excluding Ash. I would just tell your friends that if things get bad, you all can leave the party to hang out elsewhere.
You’re in a difficult spot and not wanting your friend there doesn’t make you an asshole. HOW YOU DO IT could make you an asshole.
Inviting your other friends and not Ash will definitely leave a big mark on them. They will understand your priorities and that they are not terrifically high among those priorities. I think it’s safe to say you’ll move them from “friend” to “acquaintance” with that move. Really consider how you’d feel if a friend solved a problem by inviting all the non-problematic people and leaving you out. You might understand their position and have empathy, but you would definitely know where you stood and look elsewhere for trust and empathy and love. To me, it seems like no friends or all friends is the only immediate answer.
As a part of this but also in general, this is a part of life that all of us who are Queer have to deal with at some point, and you have to choose a path and accept the consequences long-term. If you’re going to allow your -phobic family to have a real influence on your friendships, you’re going to hurt and marginalize your friends. For your whole life.
No one can make this decision for you, but most of us find that telling the blood family “This is who I am, this is who my loves are, this is who my friends are, deal with it or keep your distance” is the only way to live a life that isn’t constantly full of stress and pain. It’s certainly the only way to be authentic with friends. *Found family* is the *primary* family for a huge number of Queer people.
I don’t mean to sound scolding at all. You’re at the crossroads. So, so many of us have been there. You have the right to take whatever path is correct for you and to change paths later. Just act with as much empathy as you have strength for. And consider who’s going to be there for you down the line. Because it’s not the homophobic assholes.
I moved across the country and threw up a middle finger to my folks for years. They had to move off their hate before I let them back in.
Much love and empathy whatever you decide.
NTA. What a lot of people seem to be missing here is that you know your family, they don’t. They say they can handle it, but that’s assuming that all your family will do is make snide comments. You haven’t come out to them for a reason. This could turn out to be a dangerous position for both them and you if it goes sour.
YTA
Invite your friend and then tell them that while they are 100% invited, you don’t want them to come. Not because you’re ashamed of them, but because you’re ashamed of how your family will treat them. And you know that they don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Be honest with them. Explain how it will bother you because of how ashamed you are of your family. And because you don’t have the option of not inviting your family, you have to put up with it. But they don’t.
And then come up with a plan together to celebrate this event away from your family.
You need to talk to your friend and convince them why they don’t want to come. But don’t take the decision out of their hands.