TLDR: Nasty break up with ex who mistreated me. Not sure if I should repay him for travel expenses.
I broke up with my ex (Me=32F/him =32M) a month ago. We were together for six months. We had several trips planned for this year that were canceled. Two trips involved traveling to music festivals. Tickets were purchased on my cards and he paid me in monthly installments for them. In one of his angry messages in the moments after I broke up, he told me he would continue sending money to me and I could sell the tickets for "whatever." In a later message, I told him to stop sending me money and I would resell them and send him the proceeds. I’m from the US with a successful early career and my ex is from the EU. I make about 6x more post-tax. He sent me about 40% of one months wages after tax (\~$720 USD) that partially covers some of the tickets we purchased so far. He lives with family and has no monthly expenses other than what he spends on going out with people.
After initial breakup, I thought I’d just repay him money when I sold the tickets and that would be that. I was able to sell his ticket to one festival and I’m waiting for others to tell me if they want to purchase the ticket to the other fest. I’m NOT scalping these tickets, just trying to get back what I paid.
My friends think that I should not repay him the full amount and just keep some of the money from selling the tickets as a "breakup tax." Our breakup was quite nasty on his end. He used things that I told him in confidence about my past relationship and mental health struggles (all addressed through therapy and medication) against me. He threw my diagnoses in my face because I made "illogical" decisions like not giving him a BJ when I felt ill. He made sweeping judgments about my culture, insulted my lifestyle choices, and turned everything he claimed to love about me into something vitrolic. I get the sense he wanted to knock me down a few pegs. That didn’t work. When I ignored his insults, he doubled down and sent me six messages that he later deleted because he was embarrassed by what he said. But after apologizing for that, he TRIPLED down and counted the number of times I had sex with him total. I ignored him again.
The immedate catalyst for the split was me not sending him a selfie immediately when he asked (I was working) as well as me not wanting to have as much intimacy as he wanted (3-4x/day) the last time he visited in January because I had a bad chest cold and found his nagging unsexy (he didn’t stop when I asked). He spent hours berating me for my apparent inability to meet his needs while I coughed up phlegm. I’ve allowed several of my friends to read the messages that he sent me and they were appalled. There was other stuff too but we’ve got a character limit here.
He also damaged my window which still hasn’t been fix so maybe part of the "tax" can cover that expense? I want nothing to do with him but also don’t want to stoop to his level/cause financial harm.
YWBTA. Stop rationalizing and pay him. Deduct the cost of the window but tell him you are doing so.
YWNBTA – However, I would suggest considering paying him whatever you initially agreed on. Not because he deserves it or anything, but to avoid any fallout. The guy sounds like a complete AH and the type to try to use a perceived backtracking on a deal as something against you. Just stick to the original agreement, then move on and forget about him.
YWBTA
Treat it as a business transaction not an emotional one.
Get a repair estimate for the window and share that with him and let him know you plan to deduct that from what he paid for tickets and you’ll reimburse him the difference.
There’s no such thing as a breakup tax. Your friends should grow up a little. You’re right to treat this as something to pay him back. The window thing makes sense if you leave it at the costs he caused for you, though. YWBTA if you keep any money he has paid you besides that money, though
Glad you’re not with him anymore, he sounds awful and you seem like a decent person with self-respect. You said the money for the window might cost more than what you owe him so if I were you, I’d wait until you know exactly how much it’s gonna cost + you have the money from the ticket sales and go from there. If you still owe him something, just pay it and be done with him.
YWBTA. Your friend with the breakup tax advice sounds toxic as hell. All ties are not cut off with this dude until you pay him back
YWBTA. Pay him back minus the window. Share with him the quote when you do.
NTA
There was a tonne of unnecessary information here and you need more therapy if you think ANY of thys treatment was acceptable. Cost your window repair, if it’s more than the tickets send him the quote and block him, if it’s less than the tickets send him the remainder and block him. You need to stop this man having access to you.
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Was sort of(ish) in a similar situation, I owed my ex 200 dollars or so and the way I paid her back was through donating plasma. Well, when I wanted to send it back through the plasma card I received it for I couldn’t do it through my bank account. When I told her it’d have to be through cash app she lost her mind and demanded to know why I couldn’t just zelle it to her, and demanded to know why I had to do it through Cash app to which I replied “none of your God damn business, if you want the money it’ll have to be this way”.
The breakup wasn’t great, and I really did just think about not sending it to her after this… Though I knew that if I did I’d never have to think about her or this again. Peace of mind is invaluable, and you’ll feel like the bigger person after. Granted, I don’t think I went through the level of abuse you did and would maybe feel differently if I did. The idea of a “breakup tax” is silly, but at the end of the day I feel like this is less of a “would you be the asshole” issue and more of what do you think is actually right be him/you. Also don’t be afraid to get a REAL nice window replacement and take that out of what you’d send him 🙂
YWBTA. Breakup tax is dumb. Get a quote for the window, deduct that from the total, give him the money, block him and continue therapy to make sure you never put up with such horrible treatment again.
YTA, pay back the money and be done with the relationship. There is no such thing as a break up tax.
YTA. I think it’s a small price to pay to be done with this situation forever. Do it and move on to better things.