My partner and I have been together for 8 years, and have a three year old son.
When my partner’s grandmother died in 2003, she willed her house 50% to my partner and 50% to his mom (both only children). She was unwell for a long time before died, so hadn’t been living in the house since about 1995. Since then, it’s been completely empty / used as a storage locker by my in-laws. It’s an absolutely beautiful Victorian home, but it’s been neglected so badly that without major renovations it’s essentially a tear down at this point.
My MIL is extremely emotionally attached to the house (from what I gather, not for particularly positive reasons? It seems very complicated / traumatic for her) to the point where she flat out refuses to rent it out, let alone sell it.
My partner told me about the situation when we first started dating, and at the time I didn’t think much of it, and didn’t really feel like it was any of my business. Since my son was born I’ve started to feel differently.
For context, we live in one of the most expensive cities in North America – an average 2 bedroom condo here is $900k. We work hard and save as much as we can, but even if we came up with a minimum down payment, the mortgage would be suffocating.
We’re currently renting, which is becoming increasingly precarious/ stressful. We’ve already moved once due to the landlord selling the house, and we’re about to have to move again.
My partner’s share of the sale would give us enough for a considerable down payment and manageable mortgage.
My partner is very non confrontational and has generally avoided the issue. He’s brought it up a few times with her over the years and she’s either
a. flat out refused (due to the fact the house would be torn down)
b. become so emotional that he dropped it or
c. agreed it was a good idea to sell the house and “rid herself of the burden” but never actually done anything about it
* Side note, I’m an interior designer and have offered to manage the project / oversee the renovation if she wanted to go that route and avoid it being sold as a tear down. *
My son starts school next year, and I’m becoming quietly resentful that we’re struggling with housing insecurity/ might have to move him multiple times, when there is an opportunity for us to actually own a home.
I’ve been totally quiet up until now, because I’ve never felt entitled to this money, but I feel like my son is. WIBTIA if I put my foot down and tell my partner that his mom needs to sell the house or pay him out for his share? Or should I shut up?
Edit to add: the house in question is on the other side of the country – so sadly us living in it is not an option!
YWBTA. It’s not your house. If your spouse does not want to address it, that’s their business, not yours.
Nah, they are married and have a kid. It’s her business too if he’s neglecting a big source of money because his mum is unstable.
Yta you want money for a a new home so it’s a martial asset vs you not having rights to his inherited one.
I’m going to go with NTA. Your partner should be thinking about your kid’s future and lot of the possibilities for that future are tied to that house. Hell, your MIL should also be thinking a little about her son’s and grandson’s futures. From what you’re saying, the house is just standing there and being a financial burden – I presume some basic things about it like tax or electricity still have to be paid. So an empty property not only isn’t generating any income for its owners, it’s actively eating up their money. You should have a talk with your partner and MIL; make them realise that they’re losing money in the long runby just leaving the house to rot (essentially) and that it would be to the benefit of everyone – and the house – if it were sold.
I don’t think you’re in a position to insist that your MIL do anything. You are, however, in a position to insist that **your spouse insists on selling the house**. Holding onto it is becoming a problem. I imagine you’re paying property taxes? It’s absurd to be paying for a house you can’t live in.
So, YWBTA for telling your MIL she has to sell the house, but YWNBTA for telling your spouse he has to convince your MIL to sell the house. Go over to one of the legal subs – there may be a legal way for him to do this.
Oh yeah, I would NEVER say this to her – I’m thinking more just telling my partner he needs to get the conversation going for real. Appreciate your comment!
You guys have a kid together that you are trying to build a safety net for.
I think pushing the envelope on this might be a little “asshole-ish” but that it is for the greater good.
Breaking through people’s sentimental attachments for pragmatic reasons is tough, but I would lean on how it would be building a future for your son — for him to have a home that he can feel sentimental about, instead of his childhood memories involving a bunch of changing apartments.
Whether you’re the AH or not depends on how you ask, IMO. Unfortunately you don’t exactly have the power to “put your foot down” and force people to do things your way in this situation. Let’s be real, what if they say no? What are you gonna do, divorce your partner and your living situation would get better from here?
Can you approach this in a more considerate way? Convince your partner that your son would benefit from a more stable situation hence your family could really use that money. Show some compassion to your MIL that she’s selling something that means a lot to her.
YWBTA if you act like an ass and demand it. YWNBTA if you consider everyone’s feelings and approach this respectfully.
Who pays the property taxes on this home? Who pays to mow the yard, etc.? How involved is your spouse in any decisions regarding this property?
It’s not your place to insist as it’s not your house so ywbta if you tried. Why doesn’t she get a mortgage on it for 50% of the value and then buy your partner out? That way he gets his money and she keeps the house.
OP, I feel that you are N T A for insisting that YOUR PARTNER take a productive step regarding the house.
You have no standing to tell your MIL anything, and your son is not the automatic beneficiary of his great grandmother’s house through your MIL and your partner.
TBH you don’t even have a legal right to tell your partner what to do about the property.
You have been respecting that (part of why you are not an AH), but this inaction is ridiculous.
The house has been sitting empty for 30 years. Insurance on an unoccupied house is a lot more than on one that has people living in it. Property taxes over 30 years in an expensive real estate market that neither earns nor saves any money is probably a few hundred thousand dollars in expenses for a non-productive property. Not to mention that unused housing systems (plumbing, A/C etc) can develop problems that are extraordinarily expect repair/replace. Even if MIL has been paying those expenses, she is allowing this asset to lose almost all its value, which your partner has allowed her to do.
Then there is the opportunity cost of having missed selling the house during a major housing bubble.
Now your partner is in the territory of liability that may cost him more than he will ever get from the property.
He could ask his mom to buy him out, so that she is free to continue doing whatever she wants (or doesn’t want) to do with the property while your husband can use the money toward securing his family’s housing situation.
Or he could force the sale of the house
(which may make his money unhappy with him for a while) but is the only option left to him is she can’t/ won’t buy him out.
If he is in the deed and anyone trespasses and gets hurt or the property is deemed unsafe and fined, your partner is 1/2 liable. His mom has had over 2 decades to deal with her trauma, but she hasn’t.
Your partner needs to put securing housing for his family over enabling his mom.
YTA
Not your property. Not your place to insist *anything* happens to it.
Demanding someone else give up something of theirs so *you* can have money will pretty much always be an AH move.
Also, how is your son ‘entitled’ to the money? That’s a really thinly-veiled way of saying *you* want it.
You keep saying partner so not sure if you’re married to him and have any rights to his if he doesn’t have a will or something stating you and your shared kid are the beneficiary. I also think having a kid (knowing all the costs involved) and choosing to live in an expensive city is not the fault of your partner’s mother. So the pressure to move up in the world while financially struggling, to me, just looks like it’s something you’re putting on yourself. I understand you’re trying to benefit your shared kid, but you may want to tread those waters lightly since it’s not your house and before anyone start thinking you’re trying to “gold dig” to gain assets you didn’t earn yourself nor were they gifted to you directly by your own parents.
INFO: Who is currently paying for the property taxes/utilities?
If it is a financial burden on your family that’s affecting your ability to afford a stable home, then it makes sense for you to tell your partner to sell. If your MIL is holding on to it for emotional reasons despite it negatively affecting her son and grandchild, then she would be the AH.
If it has no direct negative impact on your family right now, then you would be TA. If your partner didn’t have this inheritance, you’d still be in the same rental situation. That’s a separate issue you need to figure out. It’s bad luck with you having to move and certainly unfortunate (fuck landlords), but that’s not your MIL’s problem. Nor is it her problem that you chose to have a child despite your housing insecurity. Not wanting to be a landlord or renovate doesn’t make her an AH.