I (21F) have known this friend (21F) for about four months. We met when we both arrived at our university and became close quickly. We share a strong interest in film. I’ve been passionate about film for about four years, have worked on short films before, and planned to get involved in the film scene here even before I applied.
She’s in a film club on campus (the main film & photography society and the biggest, most accessible film org here). Earlier in the year, she encouraged me to audition for short films she worked on and offered to watch my self-tapes, since she was a casting director for one project. We’ve also casually talked before about me joining the club when I had more time.
Last night during a group hangout, I mentioned that I’d contacted the program organizer and was invited to attend the next meeting.
This morning, when I stopped by her place briefly to pick something up, she told me she would be uncomfortable if I joined the film club. She explained that for her mental health she needs “separate emotional spaces,” and that she doesn’t want her friend group overlapping with her extracurriculars. Film club is a space where she’s in a different headspace, and if I joined, it would no longer feel separate. She emphasized this wasn’t about claiming the space, but about maintaining that separation, even though she’s still figuring out why it matters so much to her.
About an hour later, we had a text exchange.
Me: “Can you explain a little more about why you feel your two spaces need to be separate? Be as honest as you can.”
Her: “For me, having distinct spaces has been really important for my mental health. Film club is a place where I’m in a different headspace from my social world. When those communities overlap, it stops feeling separate, which I realize I really need. I’m not claiming the space as mine, just trying to keep that separation. I know this might not fully make sense and I understand why it can feel unfair.”
I replied: “I understand where you’re coming from, but I think you’re asking a lot from me. I don’t want to compromise my interests or my very limited time at a university I worked hard to get into to avoid causing discomfort. I’ve been planning to get involved in film here since before I applied, and this club is the biggest and most accessible way to do that. While I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, I think there are better ways to manage that than discouraging me from something I’ve always cared about.”
She responded: “I hear you and understand why this feels unfair. It’s your decision whether or not to join. I wasn’t trying to make the choice for you, just to share how I was feeling. I care about you and honesty matters to me.”
I’m conflicted. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, but I also understand wanting your own space. Is there a middle ground here? WIBTA if I joined the club anyway despite her feelings?
NTA. College extra curriculars do not revolve around any one person. But also she sounds reasonable enough that if you join she won’t be upset. Here’s hoping that holds true when you join. Either way, she kinda has main character syndrome vibes
NTA. She can’t gatekeep an entire club.
YWNBTA
Her ask is unreasonable. She is asking you to sacrifice something that is very important to you, because she can’t manage her own mental health. Hate to say it, her mental health may not be her fault, but it is her responsibility, not yours.
Hate to say it, but she’s an adult now. She needs to figure this shit out.
NTA
Live your life for yourself. Shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells for every snowflake you come across.
Your friend needs a reality check, she can’t police these separate spaces – over time people mix. Your colleagues meet your friends, your classmates meet your relatives, etcetera.
That’s life.
NTA. I commend both of you for discussing this in such a calm, respectful and mature manner. Well done! Join the club with a clear conscience. The truth is , she IS claiming the club as her own space, and she has no right to do that. Her argument of keeping her social space separate from film club for her mental health makes no sense. Most people make friends with people who share their interests and hobbies. Ultimately, if this is a mental health issue for her (I have my doubts), it is her responsibility to manage her mental health, not yours.
NTA, it is claiming space and using mental health as an excuse.
If you need a “separate space” that means you’re generally spending too much time with friends and not having any me time.
Me time isn’t done in a public extra curricular.
That club is not ‘her space’. It’s a communal space for people with a shared passion. If she truly needs a time of separation, she’ll need to develop that for herself.
She acts different around the film people than she does around you. She doesn’t want you to see that side of her. Join
Exactly this. She also may feel that you are more talented and will take interest from her. Just curious: Do you generally look alike or fit the same mold?
Well, yeah. I act different around my dog than around my partner than around my highschool friends than around my family than around my grad school friends than around customers. It’s just as awkward when my ma comes into my workplace to say hi as when my grad school friends meet my highschool friends. It doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of the HeavyMacaron that’s in any of these places, it’s just that mixing them is weird. It’s like I have to be Work HeavyMacaron *and* Family HeavyMacaron (or whatever combination) at the same time, which can be exhausting.
When my grad school friend met my highschool friends, it was like I was playing middle-man the whole time. Like I was hosting a gettogether, and had to make sure to distribute myself evenly amongst my friends so none of them felt left out, or like I liked the other group more than them. It was exhausting. I love all of them, but I’d rather keep em separate.
I get the friend’s reasoning. It makes sense. No, she can’t *demand* that OP doesn’t join a club, and sometimes you gotta put on your Grown Up Pants and get through the uncomfortableness of a situation. But I do understand.
I think if OP really wanted to join, they kinda screwed themselves by asking for deets instead of just doing it. Now if they join, it’ll be “OP deliberately and knowingly did something to make Friend uncomfortable” rather than “OP did something *that happened to* make Friend uncomfortable, and how could OP have known?!”. Always better to ask forgiveness than permission, especially in something like this.
It’s being a selfish, shitty friend.
Exhausting. Join the club.
Drop the friendship, keep the club membership.
Four months is not a friend that’s just a good acquaintance