First off, I want to say that any advice in this situation would be amazing, because I am at the end of my tether and I don’t have a clue what to do. I (47f) and my husband (48m) have two daughters, Hattie (17f) and Rosie (16f). They are both in the school system in England, and this year they are going to be doing their GCSEs and A-levels respectively.
The issue that has come up during mocks is that they are both anxious and stressed, and they both take it out on each other. My youngest is worse, Hattie tends to just needle, or ignore her sister, but Rosie is almost bullying Hattie, trying to control her access to public spaces and us. Obviously we shut this down quickly and supported Hattie, but it’s getting tedious, and this is with them having lower stress exams at different times (mocks don’t overlap). They also go to different schools, and don’t have any overlap in afterschool activities, although they both do rowing, but at different clubs. (I don’t know if this is relevant, but my husband says to mention it, Hattie goes to a mixed grammar school (selective public) and Rosie goes to an all-girls private).
The main problem is that Rosie has Anxiety, which she is seeing a therapist for regularly, but she has started using it as an excuse, I think, to act badly in general, and will yell at and bully her sister and then blame her anxiety and her sister for triggering her. Hattie will normally back down but has made it clear that she sees this as unfair. Hattie has her own share of problems, with chronic pain, chronic migraines, a visual impairment and ADHD (diagnosed). This means, in part, that Hattie spends a lot of time listening to music, and playing with fidget toys, and Rosie hates the noises so much that we moved Hattie’s bedroom across the house (she wears headphones but hums and sometimes sings quietly. She is also happy with her new room.
The problem is that if one of them needles, it ends up as a full blown argument and I’m tired of it. We have another 5 months to exams, and I am considering just telling my eldest to stay away from my youngest (have my youngest come to meals a few minutes before my eldest as food is a big stressor for her, just generally getting Hattie to back down off arguments) as it would solve the issues, and Hattie is pretty good about backing off when I tell her. When I suggested this to her, she blew up and told me that A-levels were more important to GCSEs, and if anyone should get preferential treatment, it should be her for always trying to keep the peace even when Rosie was ‘being a little b\*tch’.
The problem is, Rosie won’t back off if I tell her and will just pitch more of a fit. I honestly don’t know what to do, so WIBTA for telling my eldest just to back off? I know that she will but it will definitely damage our relationship.
YTA Why are you telling Hattie to be a flatter doormat, when Rosie is the bigger problem?
YTA. Punishing the “easy” kid so you don’t have to parent the difficult one is not a reasonable reaction. You’d be furthering the divide between your children. What kind of repurcussions does Rosie face for her behavior?
YTA, and clearly have been being a non-parenting parent for a while. Discipline Rosie and stop trying to force Hattie to just accept Rosie’s abuse. You are the adult, you’re the one supposed to be raising them. The fact that you thought this was at all acceptable makes me feel so bad for poor Hattie. She deserves a better parent
It’s worthwhile bearing in mind that this isn’t a short term thing, you have two years of this. If you tip toe around bad behavior then your household will suffer for two years and the younger daughter runs the risk of heading into adulthood with highly problematic stress responses. The elder one runs the risk of feeling like a scapegoat to her sisters behavior and that you endorsed that.
YWBTA
This is wrong. You’re enabling Rosie and teaching Hattie to be compliant. This will end up very badly for both of them, especially Hattie who will be at an increased risk of DV.
If Rosie cannot control herself then she has to remove herself. If this means being isolated to her room then so be it.
She is allowed to be frustrated and have emotions but she is not allowed to be rude to others. This needs to be your main priority for now on. Forget rowing and school grades. If she can’t regulate her emotions then her future will be extremely difficult.
She’s old enough that you and her can learn about boundaries and respect together in her room. Find resources on emotional regulation and safe relationships. This is the work she needs to be doing.
Role play with her so she learns how to remove herself before she escalates and script different things she can say to try and improve the situation without anger.
Is she on medication? Does she have a psychiatrist or just a therapist? Does her cycle impact her mood swings?
this is the type of situation that sounds like family counseling would be benificial. like a genuine attempt at family counseling. your goal as a parent, as i understand it, is to have a safe, peaceful home away from the normal stressors of the outside world. you have a right to feel safe in your own home and the constant arguing is interfering with that. it sounds like the kids have some stuff to work out either between them or within themselves.
work out some one-on-one time with each of them and ask them what they would like their home to feel like. either presently or ten years down the line when they have their own place and their own life. whats the first thing they want to feel when they walk through the front door? what do they want to see and smell, and where do they want to decompress?
if they really cant share spaces, make a schedule for using the living room/kitchen. they are both allowed to be there, but only one of them is going to be sent to their room for fighting on a given day/time. be consistent. be firm. and be loving.
allowing other freedoms might help as well. ie if there is a local park or library they can have some unsupervised time at to wind down or study can be a massive help.
good luck op!
YWBTA Parent Rosie by giving her consequences for her behavior. She sounds like an entitled twitch who always gets her way. How is she ever going to get along on the real world when the person that she has co flirt with is always asked to make themselves smaller for her? No one and I mean literally no one, in the real
world will ever do this for her.
Please talk with her therapist and make a plan to control her behavior and give her the tools that she needs to use when she feels that it is getting out of control.At this point, it sounds as if her therapy may need to be intensive. Work with poor Hattie and make her feel that you value her too. At this point you as parents have a lot to do to fix this mess.
I have to teen daughters close in age but very different people so I feel your pain but your solution is going to destroy your relationship with your oldest daughter.
I’m the eldest of 5 girls and my mum use to say raising 5 girls with only 1 bathroom was like an extreme sport without protective gear. Even with only 2 I know what she means now. Unfortunately there are no easy exits. This is the moment when you need to bring your parenting A game.
I’ve been very clear in my home, it doesn’t matter how stressed you are, anxious you are, in pain from your period, there is a zero tolerance policy for bullying, name calling or just general nasty behavior. Both my girls are responsible for their own behavior and know the consequences when that behavior is not acceptable. You can’t give them a pass just because you are tired or put the burden of creating harmony in the home on a child. Your post sounds like you have been trying to placate them more than actually parent them. They need parenting now more than ever. Stop tolerating their arguments. If they argue warn them and then take both their phones for 24, 48, 72 etc hours until the meaningfully apologize to each other and you for ruining dinner. Don’t tolerate or placate unacceptable behavior, ensure it has consequences.
Is there any way that you can put the girls into separate residences until the ~~ordeal~~ examination period is over?
Seriously. Does Rosie’s school take boarders? Perhaps put her into boarding for the remainder of this school year. It would remove her from the situation at home, which would give Hattie a reprieve. And if Rosie behaves the same way in halls as she does with her sister, the school admin won’t let her get away with it.
If this isn’t a possible solution, then you are going to have to sit both girls down and have what the Americans call a “come to Jesus” meeting. This might be more successful under the mediation of a trained, impartial therapist in a family counselling session, and it does require the active participation of both girls.
The goal of the meeting is to define acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and to lay out the consequences for indulging in unacceptable behaviour. Make your expectations clear, set out the rules and penalties, and how the behaviour is to be monitored. When everyone agrees upon the terms, write up a contract, have everyone sign it, and post a copy in the family room.
Then stick to it. (I know. Easier said than done. That’s why I suggested the family therapy.)
Good luck!
Yes you would be the asshole. She is correct- a levels are more important than GCSEs however that is not to say GCSEs should be understated otherwise your youngest will feel like your not understanding her.
You should figure out a plan with both of them as to how you can meet both their needs. Both succumb ones to the others needs otherwise this is not equal. If you choose to tell what to do constantly with no repercussions for the youngest, it just shows your playing favourites and that can be hard for a teenager whos about to enter adult life milestones
Your daughter already stated that’s she backed down multiple times and you have written that you think your youngest is using anxiety as an excuse
It’s time to have the big sit down with your youngest and find out what’s going wrong. If needs be, she needs to have boundaries in place and repercussions for bullying her sister
YWBTA
Where are the consequences for behavior in your tale? It’s like a 16 and 17 year old just get to say and do whatever they like and your only reaction is to separate them. Fighting and bickering constantly is unacceptable and starting with discussions that are long over due about appropriate conflict resolution and ending with consequences for inappropriate behaviors like loss of phone or other privileges is appropriate. Praise and rewards for appropriate conversation skills etc.
YTA what kind of mother are you ? Poor Hattie she deserves a better mom. One who will protect her instead of telling her to suck it up because you don’t want to parent your precious Rosie.
I hope Hattie goes NC with you as soon as she can you don’t deserve to have her in your life.
You need to tell the counselor that your child is using their anxiety as an excuse to be mean to others. Your child needs techniques that don’t invoked a human to manage their anxiety.
State clearly to your youngest that you recognize it’s their anxiety, AND while you understand the issues that causes them, their behavior towards others is not a valid way to deal with it. BOTH can be true.
Edit to add: YTA.
“The squeakiest wheel gets the grease”is supposed to be a saying, not a way of parenting. Telling your daughter to distance herself for getting bullied by her sister, even in the smaller ways you brought up, can cause long lasting damage to your relationship with Hattie.