For a bit of context, my mother has been an alcoholic pretty much my whole life. My parents both divorced because of this. During Covid, I moved to my father’s house, which I said was because I didn’t want to come home from school and potentially give my grandmother Covid, who lived with us at the time. However, it was actually because I would come home and she’d already be drunk and starting fights.
For half of my teenage years I didn’t really have much of a relationship with her because i thought it would be better for me after all of the trauma she caused during my childhood, but every now and then she would still message me asking for money. Bare in mind, I was about 15 years old and the money I would be borrowing her would be my own Christmas and pocket money. Then, once I got my first job, her requests for money got more frequent to the point where she would message me 2-3 times a month. She still asks me for money, even when she knows I’m a struggling university student living on instant noodles.
My sister and I were pretty close throughout my childhood as she essentially raised me when my mother was passed out on the couch from drinking all day. My sister then moved out of the house in 2022 to live with her boyfriend and we didn’t speak as much after that. We do still have the occasional outing but nowadays, I feel like the only time we really speak is when she wants to borrow money and not because she actually wants to know how I’m doing. She pretends to ask me how I’m doing to open up the conversation, then she goes straight to asking me for money. I’m not as resentful for lending her money because I know that it will go on stuff she actually needs, however I did find out that she has just recently started smoking weed again, and I feel like she’s asking me to lend her money so that she can afford to buy pot. What confuses me as-well is that she lives with her boyfriend who also works, so I feel like it would make more sense for her to borrow money from her partner instead of asking me.
I just feel like two grown adults who earn a wage, which should be enough to cover their bills and expenses, shouldn’t be asking a 19 year old who’s struggling with money, to lend them the money I get from my student finances. I’m in a really uncomfortable situation because I feel like if I tell them straight up that I don’t want to lend them money anymore, especially my sister, that they might take offence to it. I don’t want my sister to end up cutting all contact with me because she was my best friend for a while, and I would happily lend her money in the past before I found out that she started smoking pot again.
NTA
You’re enabling their behaviour and you need to break the cycle. When asked just say sorry, I don’t have any money to spare.
NTA this is a boundary you must set and keep. Don’t lend money to family or friends. If you do, assume you set fire to that money because it’s most likely not coming back. If you do make this terrible mistake at least get a signed promissory note that defines a payback schedule so you can go on Judge Judy (or related) and get the money back while they are embarrassed.
NTA
You’re being used and you know you’re being used. If you tell them “no” you will certainly cause them to take offense because they don’t want to lose their victim. I can tell you with near-certainty that when you try to tell them “no” they will DARVO you. What’s DARVO?
Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim &
Offender
In other words, they’ll try to make themselves out as victims for you not “helping” them. They’ll craft a nice little abuser trap to make you feel like you OWE them this endless “loaning” them money. BTW, have you ever been paid back any of these “loans”?
If you’re not good at or comfortable dealing with things like this, then get some help from friends or family that aren’t victimizing you. If you don’t live with your sister or your mom, be prepared to lose your relationship with them. They will absolutely try to threaten you with the same, even though it’s a bluff.
They have paid them back, but there’s times where I’ve had to remind them a few times and they have always said that they would pay them back when they had the money, so I had to wait until they had the money to pay back the loans. This meant I had to go without until they paid it back.
NTA. Your feelings are completely valid. You’re 19 you should not be responsible for providing for two grown adults. I assume they are mentally and physically capable of working, if they want money so bad tell them to get a job. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you, stand up for yourself and say no.
You are not their ATM. Say no. NTA.
Why in the world would you care if they take offense to it? As you said, you are 19 and a struggling college student and they are adults? Tell them to go look in the mirror and ask themselves why they are doing this? Anything you give to your mother will go to alcohol and why do you want to support that and your sisters pot habit??? You need to set the boundary NOW or this will be your life. Tell them you do not have extra money and it’s time they stood on their own 2 feet.
It’s time I prioritize myself and make sure they handle their own issues.”
NTA. Stop giving them money. Full stop. You’re 19, broke, and already gave way more than you ever should’ve. Anyone who gets mad when you set a boundary was benefiting from you not having one.
That’s not your problem.
If you give.. err “lend” them money, not only can you kiss that money goodbye, because you will never see it again, they will always ask you for more.
Say no. Stay strong. Keep any money or valuables hidden where they can’t ahold of them, because it’s a matter of time before they Rob you.
Let your sister take offense. Why should you be her ATM????
NTA
NTA Keep your money for you. If any family member cuts you off because you do not want to finance their lifestyles, it won’t be your fault.
Tell them you are broke and say Hey, since I got you on the phone, could I borrow some money to get some noodles to tide me over.
Just get asking them for money every time they ask. Hopefully. They eventually will stop asking.