Hi everyone, I have a friend (F21) who considers me her only friend and sends me roughly 5-10 voice memos a day where she rants about her life. She consults me a lot about certain topics, and I try to be as diplomatic and empathetic as possible.
For context: She got pregnant willingly at 18, but broke up with the father of her child, because he didn’t want the child. The child is now 3 and has never met him. She is a SAHM and has mental health issues, which she seeks therapy for. She doesn’t have a driver’s license and is dependent on her parents regarding getting somewhere, because she can’t use public transport, due to her mental health. She also doesn’t have vocational training; she only has a secondary school leaving certificate (she finished school, but the lowest level possible here in Germany). She receives social assistance and sometimes relies on her parents for financial support.
She mainly consults me about 2 recurring issues:
1. Her parents: She claims that her parents are controlling and toxic, because her mom send her a really long and formal e-mail explaining how they feel exploited, because they always have to follow her lead when it comes to running errands or deciding where they go on vacation. She decides when to run errands, and if her parents don’t "obey," she gets pissed because she has a child. In terms of vacation, she was pissed, because they drove to a lake, she didn’t approve, because she wanted to go to another lake, which she liked better. I think it should have been a group decision on where to go, but ultimately, the parents have more to say because they are the ones driving and paying for everything. She could have just stayed home if she was that unhappy with the destination. Also, she complained that her parents don’t want to drive her anywhere anytime she wants. Her parents also bought her a brand-new e-bike with a children’s bicycle trailer to help her be more independent and mobile. I think that was very generous of them, and she should be grateful because it is not something she should take for granted. But she explained that her parents are basically obligated to help her financially and buy her such things, because she is their daughter and is a single parent. I don’t know and don’t want to determine if her parents are toxic in general, because I don’t have the insight to do so, but regarding this matter, I think she is pretty entitled.
2. Her living situation: She lives in a two-bedroom with her kid and a cat, which is paid for by the state. But she constantly complains that she doesn’t have enough money for her living costs and that she needs a bigger apartment so she can get another cat, since her other cat is lonely. She had plans to seek higher education to go to university to get a degree to get the job she wants once her child is in daycare. But her child is in daycare since 3 months and she hasn’t started on seeking anything. So WIBTA if I told her to get a job and stop whining?
You wouldn’t be the asshole, but it would just fall on deaf ears. Most choose their own hell and view commiseration as a pastime.
Info: Is she asking for advice or is she just venting. I typically don’t try to offer advice unless it’s explicitly asked for.
Now it is within your right to disengage from the friendship if her complaining is waning on your mental health or if she’s inconveniencing you. But I typically find unsolicited advice to not be ideal, even if I do 100% agree with you based on what you described.
She typically isn’t asking for advice specifically, but it’s really annoying having to listen to 3 5-minute voice memos where she complains about her situation.
I get it, I’d be annoyed to. I’ll go NTA.
Though I’m generally against unsolicited advice, I do think you have a right to express your feelings toward her especially if it’s now impacting you.
NTA – but she might ignore the suggestion.
Jeez. That’s a sad post. Wow. Im sorry for tour friend 🙁
That is exactly my dilemma: I get that she is in a really difficult situation and I want to be a good friend, especially since I am her only friend, but sometimes it’s just unbearable listening to her complain about a situation, she doesn’t seem to want to get out of.
I bet it’s hard to listen to. I feel ya
Sorry not alot of advice from me. Im usually the listener too. Until recently when I’ve needed to complain🤷♂️
Rofl. NTA. Ten times over. Your friend needs to grow up. She’s not a stay at home mom. She’s a leech on society who got pregnant bc she thought it was going to be easy living off of the govt and raising a child. (Snark here) I’d suggest if she needs more money to pop out a few more kids. That should get her a bigger place and more assistance. (Like I said snark. Don’t really do that.)
YWNBTA. Go ahead and give her that (very good) advice. If she gets mad and cuts off your friendship, that’s all the better; you wouldn’t have to listen to her complaining any more.
NTA, but you’re naive. Go ahead and tell her. Your friend will cut you off because you’re “toxic,” and then you won’t have to put up with her entitled whining.
She probably has serious mental health issues or special needs. Who would get pregnant at 18?
Literally says in the post that she has mental health issues.
NTA
You can’t help those who don’t want help, but she’ll drag you down with her. Set boundaries, tell her the truth and she’ll decide. It sucks but for your sanity, something needs to change.