I am seriously feeling conflicted about this and I need some advice. I (20F) don’t have the best relationship with my mom (47F). She can be a great and wonderful woman, but she has also a lot of unresolved trauma from a terrible childhood that she, unfortunately, will not address. This has affected my childhood as well. She used to make fun of my weight and my insecurities. She laughed at me for having only a couple of close friends in high school, saying that I was a loser and pathetic and that there was no wonder I was bullied in middle school. She also had an affair and when I found out, she blamed the affair on me. I suspect that she has some sort of untreated mental illness, as she has these cycles where she’s a normal, loving mom, and cycles where she’s…well, like what I said above.
Our relationship really went off the rails in March. I lost weight and my mom was pissed. We had an argument which ended with my mom saying that she hoped I starved myself to death. She also refused to talk to me for three weeks this fall because I wouldn’t go to a pumpkin patch with her. I fell into depression after that. I’m on the mend right now, but I was in bad shape for a while. Mom, to her credit, has been supportive. I haven’t told my dad because he said some insensitive things about my sister (18F) when she had depression three years ago.
I go to college some hours away and I have my own apartment. Unfortunately, I was in a really bad headspace and I let a lot of things go to ruin. I had moldy food in the fridge, an overflowing trash can, dirty clothes everywhere, and my bedding hasn’t been washed for months. As I’m starting to feel like a human again, I have started to clean things up. But I still have a ways to go.
My sister attends the same university as me. She lives in a dorm since it’s her first year. She is a lot closer to Mom than I am. She came to visit me a few months ago and saw my apartment in its bad state. I’m pretty sure she told our parents, even though I asked her not to. My dad has been getting after me for not respecting “God’s space that He gave me” (my apartment). Then today, my mom asked me if she could come to visit and clean my apartment. I said no. She asked again and again. I said no both times. She got upset and said that cleaning is a stress reliever for her and it would be good mother-daughter time. I finally told her I would think about it and let her know, just so she would stop asking me.
I’m upset at my sister for telling my parents all of this. But now I’m wondering if I am being a jerk. Yes, my apartment needs to be cleaner, but I am finally feeling like a person again and I am confident that I can have everything picked up. And I really don’t want the person most to blame for my mental illness to invade my privacy more than she has. I’m scared that she will hold this over my head. But am I being stupid or insensitive here? AITAH for not wanting my mom to clean my apartment?
NTA. It’s your apartment and your personal space you have every right to deny her.
NTA. It sounds like your mother is very emotionally immature and after a certain age, it’s pretty rare that will change. There will come a point in your life where you will look at her and realize that you are the adult in the room and she is the crying child. The best thing you can do is to associate cleaning and getting into a positive headspace as giving a gift to your future self, rather than appeasing mom. It sounds like your sister is genuinely concerned, but a little clueless on how to help.
You’re an adult, it’s your space, and you are allowed to put up boundaries like this with your family. It’s your mom’s narcissistic behavior that has led to this, and she needs to deal with her own trauma like you said before she tries to get closer to you. NTA
Why give her another thing to beat you over the head with when her mood changes again?
NTA, from everything you’ve said, I would recommend no contact with that crazy woman at all. She’s literally a bully.
NTA. Protip – the woman you described is not a great and wonderful woman. The woman you described is emotionally abusive. I would not let her touch my things – she is most likely looking for dirt she can use against you.
You’re in college? Check out the counselling services. You’ve got a lot to process after the way your mom treated you growing up.
NTA! She’s unhinged, narcissistic & being nosy. She wants fuel she can use against you. Do not give her a key or invite her to your space. Your sister gets a pass for involving them as she may have been genuinely concerned. If she betrays your trust again, she should get shut out.
You do sound like you have depression and I hope you get treatment for that. Therapy will help you deal with your family in a healthy way, and help you set boundaries.
Make your apartment your safe space, a cozy sanctuary. Do a little bit of cleaning every day so it doesn’t get backed up again and overwhelm you 🪴
Having a clutter-free space filled with things you love, will help you focus on studying and relaxing. Best wishes!
Absolutely do not let your mom clean your apartment! Even if the normal, loving mom shows up at your place, as soon as she gets tired, say after 2 days, the wicked witch will come out. And she will hold it over your head forever!
Your mom IS NOT a “normal”. Normal people don’t call their children losers. You can’t help that you had a bad childhood so don’t let this message bring you down. You survived her. Don’t be surprised, however, if she shows up at your doorstep to save you and prove what a good mother she is. Explain to your sister that having her come would do more harm than good.
Now first, if you haven’t already, wash your sheets, and your pj’s and underwear and socks.
Everyone has found moldy food in refrig and overflowing trash. You are hardly alone. Get a new garbage bag, pick the shit off the floor and start throwing the disgusting stuff out of the refrig. Hold your breath. This will take all of 10 minutes. Now take those 2 bags, overflowing one and new full one and run them out to dumpster. Walk thru your place and kick all your clothes into one pile. There in 30 minutes kitchen clean and clothes consolidated. Better already!
NTA
strop allowing your sister into your appartment. And stop allowing your mom into your appartment. Issue solved.
NTA. Don’t let her in. Be proud of doing what you can for the apartment now that you’re on the mend. If you decide you want help with it, there will be services around you who understand your situation and will give you non-judgemental help, support you and cheer you on. Don’t let people who’ve made fun of you and belittled you all your life damage the healing you’re doing now. You deserve better.
I’ll be your substitute mom if you want to talk it through. Your biological mom sounds absolutely awful and you did not deserve any of that.
I think it’s a win-win for you. You get a clean apartment, and your mother has to clean up your mess. So what if she tries to hold it over your head. You don’t have to listen to her crap. Hang up the phone. Don’t answer her texts. Every time she starts up; cut her off at the pass. This could be fun.