The whole situation centers on my friend Alexa (f25), her boyfriend Tim (m28), and Alexa’s sister May (f20). I’m going to try to be concise and give only the important details.
This Saturday, Alexa’s cousin (who is also my mutual friend) was having a birthday party at her home so the whole family was invited, including May. Later in the night, I wanted to use the main bathroom but it was occupied and a couple people were waiting. This friend is one of my best friends, so I’ve been to her house enough times to know that she has a guest bedroom upstairs with an extra bathroom. I went upstairs to this room and noticed the someone was in that bathroom as well. I waited in the room until I saw Tim and May exit the bathroom together, both looking disheveled and giggling while holding hands. As soon as they saw me they jumped apart and Tim insisted that he was just helping May out because she had gotten a little tipsy. May insisted that I shouldn’t say anything to Alexa because it would “make it a thing”. I dont even understand what either of those things mean but now that I saw that happen, I’m scared that something is going on between them two.
Normally I would just tell my friend but this situation is tricky. For context: a year or so ago, I found out that my ex, who I had been dating since I was 18, had been cheating on me. Alexa was there for me every day after that breakup, and during that time we talked a lot about relationships, self-worth, loneliness, and cheating. She asked me if I regretted being told about my ex’s cheating. I said something like “of course I wish I didn’t have to go through this right now but wouldn’t you also want people to tell you if you were being cheated on?” I was surprised when she said absolutely not. She said she would absolutely not want to know because she felt like it would “destroy her” and that sometimes “ignorance is bliss”. I disagreed obviously but also Alexa has a tough time trusting people and keeping close relationships so I also understood why this was her mindset.
I never thought something like this would actually happen though. I knew that Tim and May were close, often texting and hanging out, but Alexa always talked about how she loved that Tim was a “big brother” to May so I thought I was making it unnecessarily weird. But now I genuinely don’t know what to do. I don’t believe that Tim and May were having an innocent interaction. At the same time, Alexa has explicitly told me that she would not want to know if she was being cheated on and that it would destroy her. Not to mention that it would probably destroy her relationship with May. But also it’s not like I saw them kiss or anything. WIBTA if I told Alexa what I saw even though she explicitly told me not to, knowing the damage it would cause? Please help, this has been destroying me for the past few days😭
NTA but also you’re overthinking this
she said she wouldn’t want to know in a hypothetical conversation while comforting you through a breakup. people say all kinds of shit they don’t actually mean when they’re trying to make a friend feel better. “ignorance is bliss” is cope, not an actual life philosophy she’s committed to.
two people leaving a bathroom together looking disheveled and giggling while holding hands, then immediately jumping apart and begging you not to tell? that’s not “helping someone who’s tipsy.” tipsy people don’t need hand-holding bathroom assistance and secrecy.
tell her what you saw, factually, without editorializing. “i saw tim and may come out of the bathroom together holding hands, they looked disheveled and asked me not to say anything.” then let her decide what to do with that information. you’re not accusing anyone of anything, you’re just not keeping a secret that’s eating you alive for people who are almost certainly fucking around behind your best friend’s back.
the “it would destroy her” thing is gonna happen either way. better now than after she’s married to this guy or something.
Why are u assuming alexa did not mean what she said to op about not wanting to know about cheating bf ? Op had the opposite view and said she was glad she knew , so how would alexa saying that she didn’t want to know be comforting ?
From the title, I feel like we’re missing a lot of context. You say “her boyfriend acts weird around her sister” but then you only describe one incident where they were *both* behaving questionably.
Have there been other incidents or observations?
This sucks. I know she said it would destroy her if she knew but I think it comes from the fact of someone she loved cheating on her versus the actually finding out bit of it. Especially if the relationship progresses and she’s more invested in it. I’d ask again hypothetically, perhaps making it seem like it was a different friend and see how she feels now. Then go with your gut. It’s an awful position to be in either way.
NTA! What is future you going to regret more? Telling? Or not saying anything?
Keep it factual. You could ask her how she would want to be told to help break the ice. Is there a way to tell her anonymously? Or gather irrefutable evidence? Tough spot to be in, and be prepared for her needing space or maybe even totally pushing you out in case she can’t face the betrayal..some people double down or shoot the messenger.
I’m glad you were trying to be concise.
She could find out eventually. If they got caught that easily by you eventually they could get caught by her or someone else. And yes, it will hurt her to find out now. But it will hurt her even more to spend years with him if he’s cheating on her with her sister the whole time. Something like that can’t be kept a secret forever. And she could end up married with kids to this guy, which would make it worse if he really is cheating on her with her sister.
Regular cheating… “maybe”… cheating with her sister, I’m not sure you can keep that from her.
NTA – She doesn’t understand what she’s asking for – the longer she’s in a relationship with a cheater, the more damage it will do to her when she finds out, and she WILL find out at some point. I understand you don’t want to hurt your friend, bit she’s already been hurt by the people who were supposed to love her most.
She needs someone in her life to be honest and straightforward with her, and seeing as her boyfriend and sister clearly aren’t, that has fallen to you. Unfortunately, if she said she doesn’t wanna know, she might try to turn on you, but if she’s a reasonable and good friend, it won’t take her long to understanding you’re trying to protect her. Just be honest, and tell her EXACTLY what happened, in neutral terms. Let her decide what she wants to do with that info, and tell her you’re there for whatever she may need.
“Hey Alexa are you aware that May was so out of it that Tim had to help her out in the bathroom upstairs. I’m worried about May. Is she drinking too much?” That’s all you have to say. NTA.
This is it.
YTA if you don’t tell her.
Just tell her what you saw. That may was tipsy and he helped her out. She will connect the dots herself. Nta