I (24 M) am in a long term relationship with my partner (26 F) for a little over two years. Everything is all roses, except our interactions with one of her friends.
My partners long term friend of 20 years doesn’t seem to approve of me, and has been making snide remarks and weird rumors about our relationship. According to this friend, I am controlling my partner by not letting her see her friends, and causing her to withdraw from people, when in reality, my partner spends time with everyone on a weekly basis and organizes hangouts all the tkme. I later found out that this friend has sent multiple messages about how they’re cutting ties, but expect her to tie time up so they can be friends again.
Partner is devastated about how her friend has been talking about us, yet wants to remain friends with them. I don’t want her to keep being hurt by this person, and while I respect her decisions – I’d rather them take some time apart. This isn’t the only weird this her friend has done, she’s also asked strange questions about her body and sex life (my partner is disabled and has expressed that she doesn’t want to talk about it), and has taken her anger out on her on multiple occasions (this happened before we met, though it’s still made me cautious).
Honestly, I think this friend isn’t good for my partner, and has been extremely hurtful – I can’t stop her from being friends with her, but I think we’d be better off if this person wasn’t around anymore. WIBTA if I told her she should no longer be friends with this person?
NTA. Your partner’s friend IS a problem and toxic for your SO, so you both have every right to be concerned, and every right to reduce the contact.
Start talking about an imaginary co-worker who treats you the same you the same way the bad friend treats your SO. When your SO gets mad for your sake, tell her thats exactly how you feel about her bad friend.
Nta if you express your opinion about it. You cant control how your partner interacts with other people and if you intend to do that then yta. If your partner doesnt accept/react well to your insights on their problems with that friend, and thats a thing that causes strain on your relationship, then you may need to have a deeper conversation.
NTA if you talk to your partner about it and express your feelings about it, you cant control the way she interacts with her friends but its a valid concern to have.
NTA but you should make sure you are expressing it as concern for your partner and the hurt they’ve endured from this, and that it’s your opinion and you’ll be supportive of their choice.
Telling someone who they can and cannot be friends with doesn’t sit well with me, on a moral level. It feels controlling, though I you say it’s not, so we will go with that.
It’s ok to have feelings about your SO’s friend, but you cannot make your SO do anything. You can refuse to be around her, and refuse to let her in the house, and that’s about it. Your SO has agency to live as she wants, potential consequences and all. We each have that right. You step into a-hole territory when you infringe on that right.
INFO: Is your partner’s continued friendship with this person a dealbreaker for you?
Really you should support your partner through the hard times with this friend and hope she comes to the conclusion that this isn’t a healthy friendship on her own. Then, of course, support her through the devastation of losing someone that’s been a part of her life for 20+ years.
YTA of course your partner has a chance of being better off without this person around, but you shouldn’t tell your partner who they can and can’t be friends with.
If you word it carefully, you could share your feelings with your partner and suggest this friendship isn’t in their best interest, and also not in your best interests as someone who cares about their emotional well-being… but you shouldn’t tell them not to be friends. Relationships and family are of highest importance but each person needs to have the freedom of deciding who their friends will be.
Support and guidance, yes. Ultimatums, no.
yta for this red flag of a post, “we’d be better off” more like you’re insecure and don’t see your partner as capable of making her own decisions. did you think everybody would applaud you for your textbook attempt to control this woman? because you know what’s best for her and have just the most benevolent of intentions here? like this isn’t how every abusive dynamic starts? pffffft