Okay so I (32f) have been having an issue with my roommate, lets call him Joe (35m). We moved in together last year as we were both looking for a pet friendly home (I have cats and a dog, he has an extra large breed dog) and since we had be friends for a while figured it was a good idea. We were supposed to split housework evenly but so far that hasnt happened. When it’s his turn to do dishes he puts dirty dishes back into the cabinet for me to find (he claims he "doesn’t see it", despite me talking to him about it no less than 3 times a week for the last 11 months), in the last 11 months he’s cleaned the bathroom a whopping total of 5 times, and each time I had to go back and reclean the sink, toilet, mirror, and shower because they were not done and were still visibly dirty, and that was after 3 weeks of me asking him to please clean the bathroom each time. I work from home but he doesn’t so he’s supposed to be the one to take the garbage to the bins (I take it out of the garbage can and replace the bag, leaving it tied by the front door where he asks me to so it’s easier to grab on his way to work) but he will leave it sitting there for days and then when our dogs get into it guess who has to clean up the mess? Me. He’s also broken my vacuum (he let it fall down the stairs and the power button broke off) and his response was "well it was an accident so it’s fine", no offer to replace it or anything, it’s a $300 vacuum I got to help with pet hair (my dog sheds a TON in the spring/fall so I need a good vacuum), he’s also destroyed several kitchen things of mine (my food processor, several collectible coffee mugs and plates) again with no offer to replace them.
Now I was ready to just no resign the lease and move to a place on my own again when the lease is up, but now I found out he wants to move in with his gf (30sf) who has a disabled child and a high energy dog. I want to warn her that he will only make her life harder since all he does is go to work then sit on his ass gaming leaving all the housework to me. I have tried talking to him about this at least 50 times in the last year, we’ve had a few actual arguments about it as well. I think she deserves to know he’s a useless man child before she makes the mistake of moving him in. So would I be the asshole for telling her?
EDITED TO ADD: Over the last year I have tried talking to him, creating a chore chart, giving him a list of things that need to be done around the house, when he claimed his mother never taught him how to clean a house I sent him links to a youtube channel that teaches you how to clean everything and anything. I still get left doing 99.99% of the housework because I refuse to live in a dirty home
If you never want to speak to him again and not be friends tell her. If you do, probably don’t
I honestly dont care if we never speak again. After the last year of being forced to be the maid I kinda hate him on some level now.
I know some people are saying you would be the ahole but in my opinion as a woman i would want to be warned
Now if she doesn’t listen then leave it but i think you should try once to warn her especially if you dont want anything to do with him after
That’s kinda where I am coming from on this. I would have wanted to be warned about this before I moved in with him, and he’s just my roommate. If it was someone I was dating I’d def want to know so that I could decide if it was worth even being with someone who cant keep up on the basics of housework
NTA. However,
Unfortunately, just take it as a win and move on. I don’t know that there is a world where she would take your advice and at that point you’re inserting yourself into drama. She’s dating him, if she doesn’t know that he’s a lazy ah then she’ll find out in her own time her own way.
NTA but also not your problem and she probably won’t listen to you. Definitely don’t do it if you intend to remain friends with Joe
I don’t intend to remain friends with a loser who essentially forced me into a maid role
I’d totally do it. NTA. He obviously needs to live alone and figure himself out. I’d do it if it was just going to be her, but with the child I would definitely speak up.
NTA tell her! Just be prepared she might not believe you, at which point you’ve done your part and you shouldn’t feel bad
NTA. Normally, I’d advise to not say a word. However, since she has a disabled child, I’ll land on the side of telling her what she’s getting into — for her child’s sake. Said child will be the ultimate victim in all of this.
YWNBTA!!! You would be a hero!! Save her!! Show her this video!!
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DTv170XiVDs/?igsh=bXJua3FzZjBnYWRm
She DOES NOT need a grown child in her life. She needs a MAN. Your roommate would only create stress in her life.
Honestly and I know this goes against most people’s advice but if you have a way to contact her, if you’re essentially already moved out and he can’t retaliate, and if you don’t plan to have contact with him afterwards, then I would say contact her. Don’t push how you would like her to react to that information just simply give her the information. She may already know and not care. She may choose to break up or delay having him move in. She may try and see if she has more of an affect because of their relationship on getting him to clean up. Or at the very least if she chooses not to believe you, the seed has been planted and she may notice it and accept that he isn’t gonna change his habits sooner than she would’ve without you telling her. So long as all the conditions I listed in the beginning are met, I think it can only benefit her to know. Try not to place your own feelings about his behavior on her. Just matter of factly share what his behavior is and let her decide what she wants to do from there without you involved any further.
Edit to add: forgot to put in NTA
NTA. Please talk to the girlfriend, she has a right to know what she is getting herself into – especially as her life already seems like there’s a lot going on.
Put dirty dishes and things that he doesn’t “see” into his bed. He might notice then.