Hi, my wedding is next week, and on Thursday my soon-to-be MIL gifted me a very extravagant necklace set. I thanked her for it and then she said it would look good at the wedding on me. I kind of froze, didn’t know what to say because it seemed like it was assumed I’d wear it.
I had been planning on wearing my late grandma’s necklace that she had left for me. I was very close to my maternal grandparents, my parents are doctors and so they had long hours and so I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and was very close to them. As it is I get a bit sad that they aren’t here for my wedding.
I brought this up with my fiance and my parents. My fiancé says he understands where I’m coming from but was like his mom really likes me, and she gave that gift with a lot of love, and it would hurt her if I didn’t wear it, that it would lead to misunderstandings in a new relationship, said obviously I have the final say but he just wanted me to think about that before deciding. My mom is really sympathetic to me too but she also says that my grandma would understand, and echoed my fiance’s sentiment that my MIL had given it with love.
I understand all that, and I like my MIL, shes a sweet woman, and I don’t want to look difficult in rejecting a gift like that but I also just want to wear my grandma’s necklace. Would that make me an AH?
Editing this to paste my answer to a suggestion in the comments about wearing a different necklace to the ceremony vs the reception.
Yeah I could. The only thing is both events are not the same. We’re an immigrant family so when I say wedding I’m talking about the "Rukhsati" event which is the main one really, where at the end I’m supposed to like leave my parent’s household in a way and leave with my husband, and has basically anyone we remotely know being invited. And then a couple of days later is the "Valima" , basically a reception by the new couple, which in our case is a far smaller event. I’d be ok with wearing MIL’s necklace at the valima but my MIL had wanted me to wear it at the rukhsati
You’d have been fine if you’d just told her immediately what you were wearing and why
Why is direct, in the moment discussion so foreign to people? It just leads to this kinda stuff.
NAH. Could you wear your grandma’s necklace for the ceremony, and the new one for the reception?
NTA/NAH. Are you doing a rehearsal dinner? Can you wear it then? You can show that it’s still very special and meaningful to you even though you’ve already made plans to wear another important piece for the actual wedding.
Wear one to the wedding and change necklaces when you change to your reception dress
Talk to your MIL and tell her why you are wearing your grandmother’s necklace.
Tell her at the same time how much her gift means to you and how much you appreciate her love.
NTA
NTA but talk to your MIL and explain to her that you love what she got you but you always envisioned and have been planning on wearing your grandmother’s necklace.
NAH. Is it possible to wear one necklace during the ceremony, and one during the reception? If so, you could have your SO give his mother a heads up before the wedding, so she isn’t taken by surprise.
I think it’s too bad that people are trying to guilt you into putting someone else’s feelings over your own, on your wedding day.
Is there a compromise where you can wear one necklace for the ceremony and the other at the reception? Or some other wedding event like the rehearsal dinner? I can’t imagine that any reasonable person would object to you saying, “This necklace was my grandmothers, and I plan to wear it on my wedding day.” If the newer set at all fits your style, invite your future MIL to brunch or dinner and thank her for it, and make a point to wear it for other events, like New Years, and your anniversary. Whenever you wear it, post pictures to social media and tag her, and maybe shout out her great taste, which is no surprise since she raised your husband and you picked him!
You say your FMIL is a sweet person. Ask her to help solve your dilemma. Explain as you have here. As others have said, maybe find a way to wear both. My vote depends on how you approach this with FMIL.
I think the one you need to have a conversation with is your MIL, be honest. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to wear a necklace from your grandmother, its sentimental it reminds you of her presence in spirit.
I will give you another idea, my friend when getting married had a necklace with her father’s ashes that she wrapped around her flower bouquet to carrying him around with her for the day.
NAH, this is all about communication and you’ve gotta communicate your needs and wants.
I think it’s rather presumptuous to give somebody a necklace less than two weeks before their wedding with the expectation they wear on their wedding day. All of this stuff would’ve been worked out already.
I think she would understand
If she is as sweet as you think, have a conversation with her and explain why you grandma’s necklace is so important to you.
NTA – a week before the wedding is too late to gift something to wear at the wedding without asking first. i’m sure she meant well but if you one on one explain to her about your grandma’s necklace and that you already had something, she should be understanding. if she’s not understanding then you get a great insight into what your MIL will be like in the future! good luck