This has been an ongoing problem for years. To summarize, she has been my mother’s friend since before I was born. Just to be clear, I do not hate her, but her behavior often follows a textbook narcissistic approach.
For example, if I eat healthy food one day, she will comment on how I am finally starting to be healthy instead of being an “obese pig.” In another instance, if I help her and my mother carry their shopping bags, she will comment that I am being the daughter every mother would want instead of a “failure.” These are only the tip of the iceberg.
Her comments are harsh and rude, and I can clearly see that. However, when I voice my concerns about this issue, she responds with things like, “Because I care about you,” or “I’m doing God’s favor.” If I press further, she becomes defensive and asks why I am acting differently.
My mother tends to side with her, and honestly… I just don’t trust either of them. Whenever I do or say something, the two of them will comment on something to bring me down. I don’t know what they want from me. It’s exhausting trying to be the “perfect daughter” they expect me to be.
My partner and my friends said I should avoid her as much as I can. But my family says she is just doing what best for me. I need others opinions. (Ps. I come from an Asain family, avoiding someone who are close to family is considered rude)
“Mom, if you really think this is the best way to treat another person, I will begin treating both of you like this right away. I want what’s best for you, too, after all.”
NTA.
NTA, obviously. You shouldn’t trust anyone who calls you those names. They obviously have something going on internally that they’re projecting. Don’t stop being yourself. Doesn’t matter what people say
I think the issue here is less whether you’re right to be offended by those gross comments (NTA, of course), and more how you can handle it in a way that will maintain maximum happiness for you in the future. That depends on who you want to keep connections with, what their attitudes toward the situation are, what kind of connections you want with them, and whether they can be swayed.
NTA
Grey rock time. You’re an adult, this woman only has power over you if you let her.
Reset your head: her opinion of you Does. Not. Count. Your partner and your friends are right, even so, if you really can’t avoid her presence (actually, you CAN, although can appreciate that you might not want to ‘go nuclear’ and tell your mother that you won’t see her with friend present) then avoid any conversation. You’ve already had your answer as to why she behaves like this. Stop sharing information. Answer any questions with bare minimum or vague information or another question –
“How’s (partner)?” ‘Oh, he’s fine, thank you.’
“What are your plans for this weekend?” – ‘We haven’t decided yet.’
“Why are you \[perfectly reasonable/logical action or behaviour\]?” – ‘Why do you ask?’
If she says you’re normally a failure or a bad daughter, or whatever else, then just Do. Not. Comment. Don’t apologise, don’t argue, don’t defend. If she starts getting on about you ignoring her, then just say “You’re entitled to your opinion.” and leave it at that.
Opinions of needlessly mean people should never be more important than of those who genuinely care about us and are kind and constructive with any criticisms. Unfortunately, it does seem to be human nature to assign more importance to negative opinions/worry about those, which is a positive sign of wanting to ‘improve’. Sadly, some people are never happy, I suspect your mother’s friend is jealous of your mother’s love for you. Try (silently) feeling sorry for her as part of the head reset, it honestly really works in starting to care less about the opinions!
This is the way OP, the non-apology apology was built for this too:
> Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way.
Your last sentence helps to contextualise some cultural reasons why this behaviour might be accepted by your family. She is definitely NOT doing what is best for you – she is just dumping toxic conditionining she has been raised with on your head. It’s not about you, it’s about what has been said to her (and to your mum as well, I suppose).
The grey rock technique is probably what is going to work best here, because you probably don’t want to completely avoid her for cultural reasons. So, being as boring as possible and ignoring the rest is probably what will give you greater peace in the long run. The other thing you can do is to commuicate clearly to your mother that you see what is happening here, but it isn’t your burden to carry and, if you have children, you won’t be passing this toxicity down to them and you won’t tolerate your family or your mother tapking to any future kids like this.
NTA
The proper response to people like this is, “Fuck you.”
NTA. Calling you things like “obese pig” or “failure” isn’t care, it’s disrespect. Someone can’t insult you and then hide behind “I’m doing it because I care” or “God’s favor.” That doesn’t make the behavior okay.
It also makes sense that you don’t trust her if she constantly tears you down and your mom sides with her. Anyone would feel exhausted in that situation. Wanting distance from someone who treats you like that is a healthy boundary, not rudeness.
Cultural expectations can make it harder to avoid someone close to the family, but you’re still allowed to protect your peace. Limiting contact or keeping interactions short and polite is completely reasonable.
Obviously you’re NTA but the bigger problem here is your mother who endorses and participates in the verbally abusive behavior.
>I come from an Asain family, avoiding someone who are close to family is considered rude
Okay…. but I didn’t think there was a culture where repeatedly insulting someone and tearing her down was not rude.
Go ahead, risk being considered rude and cut them off for your sake.
I would respond with “That’s not very nice.”, “I don’t call people names.”, “I was raised to respect my elders.”, ” I think there is a better way to say that.”, and lastly, but this may be too harsh for your culture “You are my mother’s friend, not mine.” or “I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
sounds like a piece of work and exhausting to deal with. my sympathies. nta. they want an automaton not anything that steps outside of their stupid wants. ignore em, and avoid the hell outta them if you can. because it is not fair to you at all