I (M23) have been living a lie since 2024; I’ll be living it until 2028.
I was born & raised in a muslim country, and two years ago I came to a conclusion that there is no sky daddy who is constantly keeping an eye on us. But the thing is I can’t tell or even hint about my apostasy to anyone here, because of blasphemy laws which mandate life or death sentence. Although apostasy itself is not a crime but it comes under the broader definition of blasphemy laws. But before I get to the legal prosecution/persecution, if people around me got a whiff of me being an apostate, i will face ostracization from my family, potential mob lynching me to death because i will be a walking ticket to heaven for these people.
I was introverted and asocial even before my apostasy, but now it’s weighing upon me, I don’t have anyone to talk to, express emotions and I crave intimacy. I’m certain there are other atheists living here as well but no one in their right mind would openly admit of being an apostate due to obvious reasons mentioned earlier.
**The Conflict:** I live with my family (cultural norm in south asian households for adults to live with their parents even after turning 18) and I have to pretend to go to mosque and pray there which I absolutely hate and then my father waking me up for morning prayer daily at 5am is another level of misery. Two days ago, I completed my bachelor’s degree and now my parents are looking for a potential match for me (Arranged marriage).
WIBTAH if I continue this deception? Because:
* I cannot marry a muslim woman. It would be a disaster for both of us and intellectually dishonest. However, if I flat-out refuse to see anyone, it raises massive red flags with my family.
* I have been planning an escape from this country since 2023. It’s only feasible in mid to late 2028 which requires two-year job experience and **financial dependency on my parents** for moving there.
* There is absolutely no fucking way I will be able to finance my move there with my paycheck alone. I will need financial backup from my parents to move there no matter how much I try to save.
Living as an atheist in a muslim country is like a self-imposed mental exile. I am essentially using my parents’ resources and pretending to be their religious son just to fund my escape to another country.
So, WIBTAH for faking my faith, potentially wasting a "match’s" time, and taking my parents’ money to leave a life they think I’m still part of?
NTA
Protect yourself
NTA – you’re doing what you need to do to survive.
SImple fact is you can take any religion on this planet, and if you could peer into the mind of its most ardent followers, you will find a good bit are faking.
Such is life.
I don’t know what your degree is in, but I would think that targeting international companies or jobs that involve travel would be a good start for your plans. You need to build a social network to help you in your plans.
You don’t really have a choice. I would say don’t get married at all costs, you can’t fake it your whole life. Agree, leaving your country tto go somewhere more secular is the best option.
Good luck to you. Take care, keep planning, have courage.
NTA. Fake it till you make it (out of there and away from your parents’ house and financial support).
I don’t know how active r/exmuslim is, but if browsing that isn’t possible for you r/exmormon is active and a lot of the same issues come up. Not prison/lynching but definitely how to stay under the radar and maintain your sanity is discussed a lot.
NTA. Lying to save your life is absolutely the moral choice. I don’t even consider this a lie, you’re simply not telling them something. They are not entitled to every thought going through your mind. But even if you do think this is a lie, this is a lie that you need to tell.
Lying to gain your freedom, your safety, to save your life – all those things are the correct choice. Do whatever you need to to escape this dangerous situation. Say whatever you need to. Bide your time until you can get out of there. Keep your head down and a target off your back. I hope you get to safety.
Man if the consequences of atheism are really that dire in your country, making this post seems rather ill-advised.
NTA You’re lying because honestly could cost you your life, those lies don’t count. It’s not exactly the same but I moved out of my home state because I’m transgender and it was becoming increasingly more dangerous. I’ll give you the same advice I give queer people in dangerous situations. Keep your head down irl find support groups online, and be on top of schooling/training so you can get a good job in a “better job market” aka somewhere you can just exist. Moving is expensive but it’s better than the alternatives.
ywnbta. you need to survive, first and foremost. Try to convince them you shouldn’t marry until you have saved for and bought a house for your wife if you can. Consider graduate studies online after work as a reason to delay, and tell them it would help your future earnings while you get your two years’ work experience.
NTA; you have to do what you have to do to find your peace.
Regarding the match they are seeking for you; could you tell your parents you would like to put off the arrangement until you are more well situated in your career? Tell them you believe you can have a better marriage, and better support a family if you wait a few years to settle before finding matches. Perhaps this could give you opportunity for a better match.
Regarding prayer time; show up, and do what you need to do. Consider it a way to respect and honor those in your family or community even if you don’t adhere to their beliefs. And use some of the time you are there to remind yourself of the path you are choosing, reflect, and think on goals and how it will be achieved. Rather than time to worship a God in whom you don’t believe in, think of it as a time to exude energy into the universe to manifest your goals.
As for financially; this is the hardest burden to bear. At this point, it seems to be a question of survival though. I can tell you as a mother though, I want my child to survive, and do not want them to live in fear or misery. If they felt they had to use the financial support I was giving them as a means to better their existence, even if it was not the path I imagined for them, I would just be happy they came out the other side happier and safe.
I hope you find peace, safety, and happiness on your journey.
YWNBTA. You absolutely cannot marry a Muslim woman. That would be cruel.
Are there any academic programs abroad you can get into?
Ok first , No u won’t be.
Tell your parents , you need to study further so you you could take care of your wife properly.
so you go out for further studies
leave the country , any country will work . Just get out and tell them its for few years
You will be the asshole if you waste the time of the fiance
cause as a south asian woman , the society will put blame on the woman .
So tell them , you are a nerd and you want to focus on your higher studies for now
NTA. But make sure to consider the following:
1. Is there an option to study abroad and gain better experience to make you a better provider to your future family?
– This pauses the marriage question as you want to start a family without being dependant on parents to be a “better provider”
– It also gives a reason to be out of country
2. Make sure that when you do exit, you tell your family that you have found a proper place of worship. This will alleviate any concerns they may have about resisting your exit (using potentially nefarious means on their part)
3. Keep these communications hidden and secret. Do not save credentials or passwords on any device and never stay logged into anything expressing these views.
I wish you Best of luck escaping!