The title sounds rough but it was the best way to sum up the situation/explain why I think I might be the TAH here. Also before I begin we do care about each other deeply and no one deserves cruelty so please let’s use our kind words when expressing ourselves and don’t forget to love each other.
I (27NB) and my fiancé (25M) have plans to go see my favorite comedian for my birthday this month. We have had these plans since about September. Two or three days ago, he asks me if I would mind tagging along to an event with his political group beforehand. I ask him to give me the details (mostly because I am disabled so energy must be managed carefully) and he tells me that it is a photo shoot they want him to do of a local union doing some work. I have no problem with that (feel it is quite cool actually) and can largely rest while he is doing his thing so I say sure so long as we don’t conflict with the show. He then says it starts at 430pm and is supposed to be done by 530pm so it should be fine.
I hesitate before expressing that I rather not because, unfortunately, since the tickets are under his name, he has to pick them up from will-call with his ID and I don’t want to be late for my birthday gift despite the drive being (almost certainly) less than an hour because if anyone else involved is running late (and/or he gets caught up as he likes to do everywhere from a party to the supermarket since he is deeply social) it will cut us closer to showtime than I’d like and Miami traffic/parking is no joke (plus he didn’t buy the tickets I suggested and instead got the first come first serve seating to save like 10 bucks so the later we show up the worse our seats will be). I am aware this sounds pathologically anxious but this is why I am posting. My concerns stem from his struggles with time management and lack of willingness to consider suggestions (like leaving somewhere when he wants to stay) that don’t align with how he feels things do or should work.
For an example (one of many) of standard egregiousness/severity, I did all the logistics and planning for my birthday last year (which I was honestly not going to celebrate due to not doing well mentally but he convinced me to do something small with him). I drilled him on what he needed to know/do over and over in the days leading up to my birthday with a final rundown the night before (to sum: pack a beach bag including a change of clothes and meet at my place at whatever time it was we had decided. Spoiler alert: he did neither). While he (supposedly) readied himself and drove 20 or 30 mins to my place, I purchased (he contributed) and picked up brunch and the cake. I also made our lunches and got the dog ready to go (he suggested a dog beach after I said let’s go for a swim at the beach and I was super down). I called him 10 or 15 minutes before he was supposed to be at my place to make sure he could get through the gate. He was just waking up. He ended up being 3 hours late (meaning we had no time for dog beach since puppy has to be fully bathed after that), forgot we were supposed to have brunch, and brought me a gift that, while lovely, was more to do with his interests and the exact kind of thing I had vehemently expressed I did not want because it would do nothing but collect dust and take up storage space I didn’t have (technically there were 2 gifts but the other was, his words not mine, "for us to share" and also something I had expressed not needing/wanting so count it if you want or don’t). He also ignored the fact that I said I only like the beach to go swimming and complained the entire time about going in the water because he was worried about his camera that he brought because photography is his hobby and he figured we would walk along the beach and he would take photos (despite me specifying for him to wear/bring swimwear, which he did). I cried several times that day but was overall as nice as I could be about it and tried to have a good time.
Aside here: in terms of him refusing to listen when he thinks he’s right, we can talk about the time he nearly dropped my car on my cat (who got out and climbed into my engine) after I begged him to wait 15 mins for the roadside assistance guy I had just called since I knew the cat was ok, just maybe stuck, but that’s a night I rather not relive.
Flash forward to now and I am thinking of all the times since then that he has done that kind of thing (in reference to last year’s birthday) to me when we (or I) have had plans or some kind of time constraint. As prior stated, I asked that we not go and explain my concerns to him. It turns into a disagreement but eventually he decides to tell his political group he can’t make it. Here is where I worry I’d be TAH:
My dog’s adoption day (he is one of the loves of my life plus I’m a crazy animal person so I always celebrate) is very close to my birthday as I got him for myself when I turned 25. On the same day as the show (and 3 days before puppy’s birthday), a local petstore is having a birthday/gotcha day event that runs from 2pm to 4pm that I just got an email for and I know my dog would Love. The store is 10 minutes up the road from the house. The show venue is roughly halfway between the house and the photo shoot place (so still less than an hour drive).
Even if we (the dog and I, no fiancé) stay the whole event (I plan to leave at 3pm), we’ll be home by 415pm and I can easily be back out the door by 430/45pm. This is the time the other event would start so if it truly only lasts an hour and we headed out right after we would have been more than ok to make the show.
However, I do not struggle with time management/task switching the way he (fiancé, not dog lol) does and can leave/arrive on time reliably. I also have a system for keeping tabs on dynamic changes that may impact my plans (like traffic) so I know if/when I may need to make a shift to make things work. These are crucial skills in the type of business I run (as well as life generally but I digress) so I have them down nearly to a science and I have several failsafes in place as well. These are things he is working on but he’s not there yet.
All this to say: WIBTAH if I went to an event prior to plans I have with my fiancé after asking him to not do the same so we wouldn’t be late to those plans? And please obviously let me know if info is needed.
Edit: apologies! Thought I typed the show was at 7 but I think that sentence got deleted when I was paring down.
YWBTAH
What time is the show though and how far is your bf’s event. This is purely about logistics.
Both events are about equidistant (say 45 mins with traffic) from the show. Curtain is at 7
So he cant make it from the event (ending at 530) to a show starting 90 minutes later…?
It would unfortunately be far from the first time I got burned on that exact timing with him. Last time was last month.
what time is the show? That’s what really matters here
It’s at 7
So yeah you would be then. If you are there with him at his event you could make sure he leaves on time. You shouldn’t tell him no and then decide to go to a dog event that is even earlier when you could litterally do all of the events. You said you plan to leave at 3pm and be home by 4:15 when the store is 10 minutes away? How does 10 minutes turn into a 75 minute return? He could literally pick you up, drop off your dog at home and then you both go to the next event together.
I think there was a level of misunderstanding. The parts about him not listening were specificaly meant to outline how he would not listen to me if I was there with him to make sure we headed out on time (which if he went I would have to be there regardless given the geography of the situation for us to have any hope of timeliness). Wrt the pet store event, it runs from 2 to 4. I wanted to go from 2 to 3. If i leave at 3 I will be home no later than 315. I was saying that even if I stayed the whole time (which I wouldn’t due to energy concerns) I still would be ready to be out the door headed to the show by about the time his event even started.
YWBTAH. In short, yes, you would be the A-hole if you go to an event before the party after suggesting that he not do the same. Even if the reasoning is that you are more responsible with your time than he is, the simple fact is that anything could happen at either event that delays or affects the birthday comedy show.
The explanation, that you are more responsible than he is, and that because of this, you should get to do your thing and he should not do his, is incredibly judgemental. I won’t say you’re wrong, because you know this person and you could be right, but I will say that if this is where you stand on this, if this is how you feel about this person…
Why are you still with this person?
There are some massive incompatibilities evident in your description of your relationship and lifestyles and character. If he is such a poor match for you in terms of time management and meeting expectations, then what are the things that are keeping you in this relationship, and why aren’t they enough to smooth over this particular circumstance?
One set of rules for you, and a different set for me, is absolutely not a good place for a relationship unless the two of you agree on those kinds of dynamics explicitly and very consistently.
Is there a reason that you cannot, if you go to his thing, be in charge of timing and managing getting to the show on time?
I’m also a little suspicious of your claim that the dog party wouldn’t present any problems, when the first complaint you have about his activity isn’t timing at all, but energy through the day due to your disability. It sounds like your ability to maintain energy levels depends on whether this is your activity or his, and again, that puts you in clear A-hole territory.
“I’m better with time manangement than you are, to the point that I’m pretty sure nothing will keep me from the show” isn’t a good place.
“My activity won’t ruin my energy levels for later, but yours might” isn’t a good place either.
You could make these arguments, but they are A-hole arguments.
It appears I may have been misunderstood several times. I was also expecting a comment like this about our relationship (hence the preface. I didn’t want anyone to mean about it and super appreciate you being respectful) so I will address that too. Apologies if it gets long.
Quote: “The explanation, that you are more responsible than he is, and that because of this, you should get to do your thing and he should not do his, is incredibly judgemental. I won’t say you’re wrong, because you know this person and you could be right, but I will say that if this is where you stand on this, if this is how you feel about this person…
Why are you still with this person?
There are some massive incompatibilities evident in your description of your relationship and lifestyles and character. If he is such a poor match for you in terms of time management and meeting expectations, then what are the things that are keeping you in this relationship, and why aren’t they enough to smooth over this particular circumstance?
One set of rules for you, and a different set for me, is absolutely not a good place for a relationship unless the two of you agree on those kinds of dynamics explicitly and very consistently.” [End quote]
Response: We have spoken at length about time management (and the other in this case tangential issues) as it has caused contention between us before. He knows it is something that needs to be worked on and it is something we are trying different strategies for to figure out what works for him (since not all of my strategies do). I write this post not in any upset but because I am genuinely trying not to be an asshole to him.
Generally speaking, he has it together as an adult and is a wonderful person who makes me happy and whose company I enjoy. We get on like a greasefire and he’s one of my 2 best friends in the whole world, the other being my ride or die homegirl from middle school. He’s brillant and tries so hard to be truly kind in a world that is very much not. That’s why I’m still with him. This is a sticking point but not one that can’t be worked on together.
And regarding the rules thing I appreciate that insight. We do have a living agreement (best way I can think to describe it) that specifies specific requests and/or behaviors from one of us or the other. For example, I am very chill about people walking away from a discussion to compose themselves without setting a time/place to come back to it because I grew up in a household where sometimes just getting up and leaving an interaction until everyone could settle down was the best way to avoid a Massive fight (like, cops get called level massive). He copes less well with that for reasons that aren’t mine to share. So we worked out that if I (who can get pretty testy pretty quick) need a second to cool it, I pause us and we set a check in time and parameters (such as where or how) around that check in depending on the situation. He however is welcome to let me know he can’t at the moment with whatever is happening and just go because I’ll find my way back to ask if he’s good when he seems to have a little more mental space/peace/etc and then we sort it out. [End response]
Quote: “Is there a reason that you cannot, if you go to his thing, be in charge of timing and managing getting to the show on time?
I’m also a little suspicious of your claim that the dog party wouldn’t present any problems, when the first complaint you have about his activity isn’t timing at all, but energy through the day due to your disability. It sounds like your ability to maintain energy levels depends on whether this is your activity or his, and again, that puts you in clear A-hole territory. [End quote]
Response: I do apologize if the not listening/being open to suggestion thing wasn’t super clear. That is the reason me managing the time at this event
isn’t a workable solution at this juncture. We have tried that in the past but when he gets absorbed he gets insistent to the point of ignoring what’s being said or any info provided to him to back it up. At that point the only thing I have seen/heard work is someone losing their mind on him (we have interesting families, put politely) which I don’t want to do for obvious reasons. We have not yet figured out how to combat the tunnel vision so we do our best to position our schedule and activities in ways where we can accomodate it. Given the timing of when he learned about the photo shoot vs when we scheduled the show tickets this was not an option.
I also apolpgize if the energy thing wasn’t clear. I meant it to underline that I wasn’t asking arbitrarily to be difficult (something I have been acccused of in the past, not by him) but because I had a genuine concern in addition to the timing. As I wrote in the post, after he explained the event to me I was down as long as we didn’t have a timing conflict. Wrt the pet store event, energy concerns were the primary reason for the planned early depature. Arrive at the start when things are likelier to be quieter, spend an hour letting puppy sniff around and eat some snacks (maybe even make a friend), and dip as more of the crowd starts to roll in. Be home by a quarter past 3, grab a power nap, freshen up, and rol out to the next thing (the show). Plus a major selling point is the proximity to home: if I get there and realize I’ve misjudged the spoons needed, I’m only out a handful of minutes worth of gas and can still run in and let him pick something nice even if we dont stay. [End response]
If you can both take separate cars, I would actually say no, NTA. You can go to the pet store, chill after that, and then drive to the show. Your fiance can go to his shoot and then to the show. But, I think YTA for dictating your fiance’s schedule, regardless of previous transgressions. If he wants to go to his photo shoot, he should be able to go WITH THE CAVEAT that he is punctual for the show. If he can’t be responsible with his timing, especially when it relates to your bday/gift, then ask yourself why he can’t make these sacrifices for you.