So, for some context, I 25F am married to my 27m husband and we live in a larger home with my dad 50m and my best friend 27m. (We rent) For the past couple of months my husband and I have gone through some hard times together. I am not working and decided to go back to school this past year so my husband has been the sole “bread winner” if you will. my dad owns a business and he’s not here all that often but we talk almost daily.
My husband and I got into a terrible fight and i decided to go stay with family until things cooled down – about 2 weeks. I called my father distraught about not knowing what to do and also talked to the family I was staying with to help me understand where I go wrong and how to fix it. And my husband has also realized where he went wrong as well.
Well, my dad this past year has been nothing but rude towards my husband for certain things I “allow” my husband to do. ( go out with said friend who lives with us, we have a full bar in the house with drinks they like, etc) there are a lot of nights where my husband will come home with said friend and either will drink a little more than he should or would arrive home already crunk. Not so nice things get said and I tend to take it too far by not keeping my mouth shut which evidently caused me to leave my home. Well my husband and i decided to work through our faults and go to marriage counseling every week to better our communication skills and understanding of each other.
It’s about a week before Christmas and my dad planned to come back home and cook a big dinner for us on Christmas Day(this was planned before the fight) . Now, my dad is saying he cannot stand my husband and said friend, and doesn’t want to be around. Which I completely understand. The dust needs to settle.
Well my dad called me a few days ago saying that his vehicle is having mechanical issues and he’s coming home to get it fixed but said if the truck is ready before Christmas Day, then he will go back on the road. Meaning he will be here the week leading up to Christmas but will leave the day before. Not wanting to spend Christmas with us (well my husband and friend). I responded with I understand why he is upset but black listing my friend and husband for Christmas when we are working through our differences is kind of an AH move. My dad and I went around in circles talking about everything from this past year, throwing issues that I had with my dad towards my husband and degrading him. Well I got upset and said “I understand why you are upset at my husband for 3 reason, but the other issues you have with him and blaming him for, are my doing.” My dad then threw the amount of rent **I had asked him to pay** in my husband face, and that’s when I had asked him to no longer pay rent and look for a comfortable place for him.
So am I the AH for asking my dad to leave?
(Theres so much unsaid here due to limited space but I can add more detail in the comments if needed)
Nta. I think if you and your husband really are truly working towards a solution to your problems, then your dad does need to step back and let you… but I also think that until the issues are all actually settled, it wouldn’t be bad for him to separate himself from your husband before things get heated between them and actual issues occur. If he’s not with him, they can’t fight. Sometimes peace is only achieved by not being around the people you see in a negative light. Until this is totally resolved, I don’t see him as in the wrong choosing to head out before he gets in an argument with your husband. Yes, you’re working on fixing things. But until they’re all totally fixed and in the past, it’s natural to be cautious about trusting someone when all he’s seen so far are difficulties.
Your dad pays rent you can’t kick him out
I literally said this out loud! OP is not working she is in no position to be kicking out rent paying roommates.
But even if she WERE working, the dad pays rent. Real life isn’t a Soap Opera
OP : “Dad I’m kicking you out”
Dad : “No”
So now OP has to go through the courts to evict him, and then try to cover rent with one less person.
ESH, 2 weeks to cool off from a fight? Thats not a disagreement that’s a full blown fight and I’m guessing although OP won’t say , there was some physicality. In which case, I side with dad.
Notice “by not keeping my mouth shut”…that’s something an abused wife says.
ESH – it sounds like your Dad doesn’t like the way you’re treated even though you’re okay with it. Everyone in this situation could improve their communication skills. I’m glad you’re going to counseling with your husband because it seems like there’s some major things to work out.
It kinda sounds like YTA because you involve your dad in this. Of course he is gonna be upset seeing his daughter upset by her binge drinking husband and his friend and not want to spend the holidays with them. If he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with them that is his choice. Why did that upset you?
More importantly he pays rent so it’s really a rude move to just say I’m gonna kick you out.
First, since your dad pays rent, you can’t unilaterally kick him out. Hopefully, he has no interest in living there any longer.
Second, your husband should stop drinking because it sounds like he’s verbally (and maybe physically?).abusive when drunk.
Third, if you wish to try to work through your marital problems, that’s your choice. The people you confided in, though, like your dad, have no obligation to ever forgive your husband. If the behavior changes and he can show a track record of treating you well, that may change in the future.
This. It would drive me up a wall when a coworker would tell me all about her dysfunctional relationship one day and then get mad at me for judging him the next.
How often do your husband and friend come home hammered?
NTA
It’s time for you to live without a parent
Agreed. We lived in this house before my dad moved to our area. He unfortunately went through a divorce and needed a place to stay. So we let him stay with us for 6months until he got back on his feet.
My husband and I have lived on our own since I was 19.. we just help friends and family when we can
It sounds like your husband is treating you badly and blaming you for things while drunk and you won’t know your Dad doesn’t like him and the friend enabling his drinking?
Gonna go with ESH. It sounds like your husband has a drinking problem that you may be in denial about. Your dad is concerned and wants what’s best for you, however he needs to stay on his lane. Regardless, it seems like a messy living situation, but I’d be tactful with him moving out, as this has the potential to cause permanent damage to y’all’s relationship.