I (19F) live with my parents and sister (22F). We are lucky enough to live in a large house that has a basement with a bedroom, bathroom, and spacious living area. My sister and I share this space. She has the bedroom and bathroom, while I use the living area for my hobbies and my TV.
In 2023, the basement was promised to me by my parents after I graduated high school. My sister, however. Hit a low point at university, and my parents begged her to come home after she cut contact for a year. Eventually using the basement as a bargaining chip as a last bid, she agreed.
I was upset, I had also hit my lowest during that time, but I didn’t think my wants were on the table given the severity of my sister’s situation.
We agreed that since the basement is our common area, we would get 50/50 on decor and cleaning duties. This fell through almost immediately. During 2024, I let it slide due to her still struggling. By early 2025, She was on her feet so I started gently enforcing down on the rules we agreed on.
The space was disgusting. She left cabinets worth of dirty dishes out for so long that the food on them grew stale and moldy. She left crumbs and spills of booze to dry out on the floor. The whole basement reeked of weed so bad that it leaked upstairs. I began to politely ask to clean up after herself. She never once did. Eventually leaving the house before I could ask her.
When I speak to her, she justifies it by saying that she’s struggling, and that she works to be independent. But her words don’t match her actions. She’s an extreme overachiever who overburdens herself at university, she doesn’t take enough hours at work to buy a car like she says she wants, and she often mothers her boyfriend who’s uprooted her life. She doesn’t communicate when she wants alone time in the basement, or when she wants to study and have people over. It’s caused arguments between us before.
Despite having family meetings to address my sister and I’s tensions. My parents ruled that she has the ability to kick me out of the basement, and decorate however she wants. They acknowledged that I never agreed to this ruling, but they said that she needs time.
This has become even more of a problem due my sister’s boyfriend suddenly moving in after an argument with his parents. He got into a car crash, and is currently reliant on us for everything. She didn’t say this was happening, she moved his stuff into the basement. It’s more of the same. I’ve had no input and feel like I’m a guest in my own home. I even drive him to his work sometimes.
I’ve asked for another family meeting that will happen soon, but I don’t know how much will change. My sister’s behavior has put serious strain on our relationship and it’s left me spiteful. WIBTA if I told her that I don’t think she’s responsible enough to live with another person right now? I feel like I could be selfish, or it might not help her mental state. But I feel like I don’t have other options.
NTA. Your sister sounds like TAH. Your parents shouldn’t be encouraging her behaviour as it’s been over a year since her low point and she’s an adult so should be acting like it. Is there another bedroom in the main house that you could go to and leave you sister in the basement and when the smell gets that bad and the mess gets too much I bet ur parents will have something to say
I actually suggested to them that my sister and could swap bedrooms (I take basement, she takes mine upstairs) so that her messiness could be circumvented. But they laughed at me and dismissed it when I brought it up. I didn’t include on my post because I hit the word count.
NTA you are trying to give your sister a gentle wake up call before the real world gives her a brutal one.
I realize this is about how your family dynamics are affecting you and you’re right, it’s not fair. Sadly, your sister is struggling and your parents are taking the most passive path of support.
Allowing her to wreck a basement and get stoned is probably not healthy for her. Tell your parents never mind family meetings – if you all are serious about helping your sister get professional therapeutic support. Your sister in particular should be seeing a medical professional. If appropriate the family should consider Al-Anon.
NTA, your parents need to make some serious choices.
Is this copy/pasted from somewhere? Why is the same paragraph repeated three times?
It is, I rewrote and tried some different configurations but cant seem to fix it. I ran it through the letter counter and a separate google doc while I tried to edit the body. Sorry for any confusion.
It sounds like your sister is dealing with depression and anxiety. Has she seen a doctor and is getting help with medication or therapy? She sounds like she is self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. And has put herself in a co-dependent relationship. These are all red flags that she is begging for help.
Why don’t you move to a bedroom upstairs or go get an apartment of your own? Or a house with roommates? Why are you choosing to live at home if it is so uncomfortable? You’re an adult and can make your own decisions. Maybe your parents would even help you with rent since you are so young.
I understand it feels unfair (because it is) that your parents gave her the basement and not you, but it is their house, so they get to make those decisions.
But the boyfriend moving in part is ridiculous. I can’t believe your parents are allowing that when it sounds like things are already messy and crowded.