For context, I have a long-distance friend. We used to be a lot closer, calling and texting frequently, and it was pretty 50/50 on who reached out first.
Now, October 2025. I had just moved because my partner and I discovered mold in our spare bedroom caused by a leak from the upstairs apartment. That room held all the supplies for my partner’s small business, which is his only job and something I help with part-time. October is our busiest month, and my friend knew that. While I was juggling a long commute, moving, and work, this friend messaged saying they would be in my state in four days time. They would be staying with their mom two or three hours away with no car.
Feeling like they deserved support, I tried to be honest. I told them that because it was October and I was dealing with mold, moving, and work, I wouldn’t be able to give them a full day of attention. However, I invited them to come to a show that I and several mutual friends were part of so they could still see me. I also apologized and acknowledged that I knew spending time together would probably be important for them during a breakup. They said they understood, came to the show, and everything seemed fine.
Fast forward six months. The new job I had just let me go, and a huge situation in my friend group had me dealing with constant emotionally draining conversations. Two or three days after I lost my job, this friend texted asking to talk. I told them I had a lot going on and wanted to give them my full attention but didn’t feel capable of doing that yet. They said it was fine and that there was no pressure or timeline.
About 2 weeks passed. The friend group issues got worse, and I was doing DoorDash while applying to jobs nonstop. The day before orientation for a new job, this friend texted again saying I was a shitty person for not reaching out and that I didn’t care about them.
That upset me because they had told me to take my time. I explained that I wasnt ready yet and that they could have asked for reassurance or a timeframe if they needed one. Instead, they doubled down and brought up their trip from six months earlier, accusing me of making excuses not to see them.
I responded explaining how hurtful and unfair that was, that they were centering their feelings, waiting six months to bring it up, and dismissing serious issues in my life as excuses. I also said it bothered me that I had told them twice I wasn’t ready to talk, yet they forced the convo anyway. Their response was: “Too long didn’t read.”
That snapped me. I replied, “Wow, Grow up. I hope you find someone willing to coddle you since you apparently need it.” I know that wasn’t the nicest response, but was I wrong for saying I wasn’t ready to have that conversation yet?
NTA
I can understand they might have felt neglected but the way they conducted themselves made it clear you are better off without them. You did nothing wrong here
NAH or ESH
You don’t have to put effort in a friendship and they don’t have to wait for you forever.
sounds like your friend needs a serious reality check. you’re not a therapist, man.
YTA, you have been a bad friend. You don’t get to pause life and say that your issues comes first. It is not that hard to let a friend vent and just be there and listen. Okay you could not meet them in October but how was it with phone calls and text? If they went through a break up you make the time to check in.
In 2 weeks and you can’t reach out? You don’t have to be 100% to just have a conversation with a friend.
You don’t sound like a good friend to me. You were not ready for you friend. Looks like they got tired of waiting for a good time to be friends with you.
Wow, you *really* remembered something from six months ago… but ignored my life happening right now
NAH. It sounds like maybe you two are not in the right place in your lives to be friends right now.
1. Your friend visited the state (but 2-3 hours away) with four days notice during a challenging time for you. You couldnʻt take a full day to see them. You were 100% in the right this time.
2. They texted you needing to talk. You said you couldnʻt give them your attention yet. They were patient for the first week. You were both acting appropriately this far.
3. After “about 2 weeks”, your friend decided they had waited too long. They were right, two weeks was getting ridiculous.
Your friend has correctly assessed that you donʻt have time or attention to be their friend right now. That doesnʻt mean youʻre the AH, just that youʻre not a suitable close friend just now. (This is more your fault than theirs, but again, doesnʻt actually make you an AH.)
I had to end a long term friendship because they were resenting the fact I wouldn’t give them more time. After bluntly saying give me space because I needed time, they continued to push me via multiple platforms to set a time when I would be ready to talk, I don’t think they were aware of the irony of their actions and are still convinced they were the victim. It was one of those friendships that when forced to evaluate I realised that it was incredibly one sided, they only ever wanted to vent and wanted unconditional support while leaving me drained after every encounter. Real friends respect your need for space and ask how you are doing once in awhile rather than make everything about them.
NTA, considering everything you are going through, your friend should have just backed off and wait for you when you are ready to talk. My best friend went through something horrible a few years ago and it took her a little over 2 years to talk to me again, I waited till she was ready even though there were many times I needed to talk to her about stuff, I just completely backed off and waited, why?
Because good friends understand when you are going through stuff and need space, that should be respected. Today, our friendship is even stronger. Your friend is pushy and I think you need to think about that if it is worth to continue that friendship.
NTA. You were clear that you needed time and they agreed to it. Throwing it back at you later and responding too long didn’t read, was pretty immature. Your reaction wasn’t perfect, but it’s understandable.
“Wow, grow up. I hope you find someone willing to coddle you since you apparently need it.”
So let’s get this straight, your “friend” needs an actual friend, was patient and understanding about you being busy for 6 months, then you insult them?? I dunno man, everyone has shit going on in their lives, that’s why we need friends. You’re the one who sounds immature. You can’t get over yourself long enough to give someone a conversation in six months time.
I dunno the whole situation, so maybe there’s things you’re omitting or maybe the other person has issues too. I just know I wouldn’t waste my time trying to be friends with someone like you.
Need more information: why didn’t you reach out in that six month period to check in post break up? What was the communication like between then and when they said they wanted to talk more recently?
Could you have called while you were door dashing? I’m sure you were busy, but you don’t stop for meal breaks or at a certain time of night? Or tell your friend hey I can talk between 9am and 11am or after 9pm when I’m done door dashing?
I’m leaning towards YTA because it sounds like you made no effort. But what they said to you was cruel (clearly came from a place of hurt) and was passive aggressive. Then you respond immaturely (coming from a place of hurt).
You’re a shitty friend. Maybe not an asshole. But an all around shitty friend.
NTA, I think most reasonable adults would be more forgiving to each other when their friends are busy or simply unable to be there for them. You tried to communicate your situation to them each time, but sounds like your friend wasn’t able to accept it, and let it build into resentment, which to me is the bigger issue.
Your friend trying to guilt-trip you backfired on them and they chose to double-down which isn’t very mature. In regards to your last reply to them, they are harsh words which may affect how difficult it will be to salvage the friendship (if that’s something you want). I personally feel that time between friends may be asked but not demanded… no matter how good/close/old a friendship is, it should be still based on mutual respect.
I’ve just experienced something not dissimilar from a friend of 20 years. For me, I prefer to take space than to say something I may regret.