My (f 30) childhood cat ‘Olli’ is 16 years old, and has been diagnosed with cancer on his mouth/face, as well as diabetes.
My dad (m 55), started treating him for diabetes, and Olli has bounced back incredibly with his new insulin 2x/day regiment. However, Olli’s cancer was always the first, and more severe issue.
Due to Olli’s age, and state of our house (it’s dirty, and I’m the only one that ever tries to keep it clean. Including Olli’s water and food dishes), I am concerned that even if we decided to surgically remove the cancer from his face/mouth, Olli would not have recovered. I am concerned that Olli would have succumbed to infection, and/or his cancer would have ended up returning after surgery.
We have been treating him with various antibiotics and other medications to try and help him, as dad has been in denial it was every cancer to begin with, but nothing has worked. We weren’t able to have it biopsied due to the expense of it, and I also just wanted to move into palliative/conservative care once we found out it was most likely cancer.
Some back story: I work at an animal shelter, as an animal care attendant, and dad is an old school type of pet owner. Olli has been an indoor/outdoor cat his whole life, and has almost passed away more than once from injuries incurred outside throughout his life. Dad finally had Olli neutered at 9 years old with my intervention, after we almost lost him to infection from a wound on his ear that he came home with mysteriously with after being outside for a while. My dad and I got this cat together when I was 15 years old, I left for about 8.5 years when I was 18, and then moved back when I was 27 years old. I always came to visit them during my years away. My dad has substance use issues, and lately has been spiralling and not coping healthily with Olli’s decline.
Although Olli has done well with the insulin, his cancer sore has gotten bigger and bigger, and is showing signs of infection (there’s a necrotic smell to it now). I finally decided I was going to book him a home visit euthanasia appointment, which is today at 5 PM. My dad is not ready, and I feel like he hates me now, because I’ve put my foot down for the sake of Olli’s comfort and how much pain he’s been in. I have been gaslit and manipulated, and haven’t felt comfortable or psychologically safe in my home with them for a long time now.
So… AITA for advocating for our kitty to be out of pain, and finally at peace, even though dad wants to keep him around, because he can’t let Olli go?
Ps. Sorry if this post isn’t formulated well, it’s 6:30 AM, and I’m still just waking up… I just feel like I need some extra advice, or validation, or whatever. I’ll try to answer any questions people may have.
yikes, that’s a tough spot. sounds like you’re doing the right thing for olli. tough love is still love, even if dad can’t see it.
NTA. Pet owners are responsible for doing what their pet needs…not what we need. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
I think you need to do what your pet needs for you to do, so NTA for euthanizing him. In terms of how you approach it with your dad, I think you can do the most responsible thing by being supportive, but continuing with your chosen course of action. That is, acknowledge that your dad is sad or angry and that it’s a difficult spot to be in and you know that he would make a different decision. I’d even offer for him to come if he wants to be part of the process to say goodbye. And then say that you love your cat and don’t want to see him suffer & that you don’t want dad to suffer either. This is being a true adult: you make hard decisions, it’s OK for people to be upset with you, and face difficulties head on. There might be an opening in all this to discussing your dad‘s addiction and asking him to get help or finding a path to a different life for yourself.
Thank you for this well rounded comment! In the spirit of keeping my post small, and not overwhelming with the information regarding this whole experience- I left a LOT of details out. This has been 8 months in the making, and we have had many open/difficult conversation regarding Olli’s health. I have been so supportive, and even stepped back to allow my dad to come to terms with Olli’s inevitable end for over a month. But still, dad clings on to ‘the cat is doing so well!’ And ‘I don’t want to do this, I’m not ready!’
I feel like a broken record now when I try to explain everything to my dad. He doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t retain information, and honestly is acting like a complete child. Every cat he has ever owned just mysteriously ‘disappeared into the woods’… AKA. He has never actually had to carry his pet to the finish line of their life.
It’s actually incredibly heartbreaking… I feel I haven’t been allowed to safely process the passing of my childhood cat, because I’ve been too busy advocating for him, and parenting my own father 🤦🏻♀️.
We live together right now, and it’s a home euth.. so my dad will be present for it! Unless he scoops the cat and runs away before the appointment this evening 🙁
NTA
YTA It seems you’re turning to euthanasia as soon as his sore’s got infected, yet the diabetes control has given him a new lease of life. If he had no quality of life even without the sore, I’d back up euthanasia 100%
Your entire post is about reasons to put the cat to sleep and not a lot about actively addressing the issues that are addressable (unhygienic environment, food and water bowls, inappropriate drugs given to cat) that I feel Olli might be the last thing holding you to the house and with him gone, you’re then free to leave.
Antibiotics for cancer are a complete waste of time and if you work in a shelter, you must at least know that much. What you’ve achieved is at best nothing, and potentially, made the cat (and infections he might get) resistant to antibiotics. I dont hear a single word re taking him to a vet re possible treatment for sore infection. The only part of your post that doesn’t make me uncomfortable is the “no surgery” – on a cat that age, I wouldn’t put him through it either with no certainty of success.
If I have read this wrong, then at best it’s NAH, but really look at this cat’s condition and quality of life as it stands and ask yourself – honestly – if you can make it better – then do that
We can’t make it better. I have lost count of the times we have brought him to the vet over the passed 8-9 months. We have tried multiple medications PRESCRIBED by veterinarians. We agreed very early on NOT to do surgery, as Olli is 16 years old, the house is dirty, his bowls are constantly dirty, and I cannot keep up with everything. I am the only person in the household that works a full time job, and by the time I get home I’m tired, I still clean both food bowls, all water bowls and and litter boxes before I’m allowed to relax.
My work and relationships sometimes take me away from the house for weeks at a time. Once, when I came home after being gone for 2, maybe 3 days… I found Olli’s water fountain running on empty… no water for the cat under my dad’s care for 3 days!!
I guess I should have taken some time this morning to flesh out the original post. The cat is in pain, and imo, he’s being kept alive by my dad solely for the selfish reason of not going through the loss. Would you like a photo of what his cancer sore looks like right now? I’m not sure if I’ll be aloud to post it, but I’ll try.
It is better to wonder if you made the choice too early, than to know for a fact you waited too long. You spared your father the heartache that would have came from watching that cancer take over his pet. NTA, sometimes good people have to make hard decisions.
Better a week early than a day late.
So it sounds like there is a treatment option, which is surgery? You’re concerned that he might not recover from it, but you don’t know that. YWBTA if you euthanize him a) without the consent of the co-owner and b) without trying viable treatment options.
NTA.
Do what you need to do, both for Olli and yourself. Look at it this way – if you were still young and the cat was in this situation, you might feel anger at your father for euthanizing your pet, even when the pet was in pain. It sounds like with your Dad’s substance abuse, he’s looking to you as the caregiver.
He knows it’s the right thing not to let Olli suffer, but he’s avoiding the reality and using anger to deflect the pain. It’s part of being the adult in the room to do the responsible, right thing for a pet you both love, not the comfortable thing for the one whose coping skills aren’t quite up to the task for whatever reason.
I’m sorry for Olli, for your loss, and for the situation — but you are doing the right thing.
Thank you 😭💕