I (28F) love to bake and cook. I see it as a way to show my affection, appreciation, and to just let off some steam when I am stressed, sad, or something like that. I went through a really difficult time a few years ago and just found that it was the only thing that helped for a while. I have been married to my husband for 10 years now and I only really go to his family’s get-togethers for the holidays due to my side not really being very close. Anyways, I always offer to cook something and bring it along when we go to his mom’s house just to help take even just one thing off of her plate because she usually ends up cooking for about 3 days before the holiday. I am always told that she is making everything and that I do not need to bring anything. then I get there and multiple people from their side of the family had been asked to bring in specific dishes (not tradition, always different dishes) once she asked me to make a dessert and I told her I would make my cheesecake and she ended up making a cheesecake instead and told me mine was not needed. it hurt my feelings, but my husband took it to work instead the next day.
I feel this all might be partially due to my husband. His mom made a food suggestion for a get together at the park and he said that he actually really likes mine and wanted me to make my recipe. she still ended up making her own. then continued to stand next to the table while everyone made their plates telling everyone which one was hers.
I know I might seem like I’m just whining but ever since my husband said that and I made that dish that ONE time… I have not been allowed to make anything for any holiday or family function or anything. anything that I would normally have offered to make she has boasted about how good the recipe she has is or that so-and-so loves her recipe for it. I just bake and cook to show my love for my family and friends, during the holidays especially. I do not do it to steal her spotlight.
I do not know how to approach the subject. how do I tell her I am going to make something for the holidays anyways? I found a recipe for a dessert I really want to make for Easter, but I don’t want her thinking I’m trying to upstage her or make her mad/ start drama.
AITA for wanting to make something for the holidays even after being told not to?
NTA. Think you got a boy mum case in your hands? Why does she feel the need to upstage you though. It’s weird and super disrespectful. Just don’t tell her and make the dessert. I don’t think whatever you tell her will make her think any differently. Or have your husband mediate the issue? If I were you, I may distance myself from her and celebrate holidays on my own maybe. As much as it may suck to be away from others who I love and want to spend time with.
NTA. Don’t tell her, just show up with it. Be ready for some sabotage or boasting, but if your love language is cooking/baking the act is enough.
Why are you trying to walk on eggshells with a woman who does not have even remotely the same consideration and respect for you?
I’d be more petty about this, buy some cute boxes for the holiday, bake (cookies/muffins/things that don’t need to be refrigerated/individual items rather than needing slicing), and take a load to give away to people. You’re not bringing food for the event, you’re just giving some gifts!
Don’t make anything to take, make something for you and your husband and keep it at home.
This is a battle you don’t need.
NTA but you’re fighting a battle you don’t need to. Is her cooking inedible? I bet the answer is no and you’re using your past trauma as an excuse to undermine her rules in her house. She isn’t asking you to chop 100 pounds of wood, she’s asking you to just show up because, fun fact, she might also find the same pleasure in cooking that you do. Especially for the family she loves.
NTA
Bring something without asking every time. Be prepared for nobody to eat it and for negative comments. Reply politely and happily, and be ready to not take no for an answer. People will just eat it after a few functions and if you don’t cause a scene ever, will tell her to chill.
Examples: if she says “why did you bring x dish, we have everything”, say something like “it makes me happy to share”,. If she says “I made x dish also, I wish you coordinated”, say something like “if you want me to make something specific next time tell me or husband” and bring something random if she doesn’t ask. If she says “That was bad, nobody ate it”, say something like “hopefully it will be more tasty next time! And feel free to tell me what people like”. And if she doesn’t bring it out, loudly ask about it just once each time (or make your husband ask) and don’t react at all if she says you don’t need it. The more you expose her behavior politely, in front of others, the less room she has to behave that way.
(Question should be “WIBTA if I did this” not “AITA for wanting…”) and my feeling is, YWNBTA. The MIL is being weird, the husband is being lame and spineless, and it sucks that you’re being deprived of the pleasure you would get from bringing baked goods to these gatherings.
However, it’s no good saying, “I don’t want to start drama.” The unfortunate fact is that it will and you know it. So it’s up to you whether you want to fight that fight. Personally I’d probably just find other people and gatherings to bake for.
If your MIL has a dish that is “hers”, don’t bring your version of it to a function at her place. I know it was meant well,but I don’t think you guys thought this through.
Make your own dish and take it. Try to bring something which will be a bit different but not weird to their palate
Sweetheart, you’d be T A at yourself if you made something and took it. I don’t think your mother in law likes you very much, it’s either that or she feels threatened by your cooking skills. Don’t bring food. Bringing food will make things worse between the both of you no matter how much love you pour into your cooking. She doesn’t see it that way. Respect her wishes and maybe eventually she’ll ask you to bring something. None of this is your fault but you can’t control how she feels about it. Maybe tell her you wish you could’ve brought something and that you’d be happy to help if she ever needs it. But if she doesn’t give you the OK don’t cook anything for her
NTA, but I would suggest just hosting your own gatherings and serve whatever you want to make to whomever you choose to invite. MIL is not worth this battle.
NTA,
Just bake and bring and don’t tell her. Ask your husband what he likes to have, bring something you like and don’t give a shit about her. And if she is commenting about, ignore her (that’s the only hard part).
It’s time to show some dominance 😂
Don’t pee in her house…. But bring the nicest bake goods and don’t care about her talking.
We are similar people. Baking is my therapy. It is enough that if my husband comes home and I am baking, he will ask what is wrong and/or go out to get flowers to make me smile.
If your mil wants to have this, let her. You don’t have to bake for her. Bake for your husband’s coworkers, bake for your neighbors, bake for teachers at the school or nurses at the hospital or local cops. Bake for other family members.
NTA – you can bake whatever you want for the holidays, but if you feel like it is going to cause drama, just give your baked goods to someone who will appreciate them. Mil might not be the one and that is sad for her.
OP
You are not an AH, but you need to be fully honest with yourself.
1. Of course no is an AH for ‘wanting to…’. The real question is are you an AH for actually making something and taking it to MIL’s for the Easter family gathering even though she has made it clear she does not want you to (though everyone else is allowed to)?
2. The evidence points to your MIL being in a one-sided competition with you (all in her mind/heart), so her efforts to exclude you make her very clearly an AH.
3. You don’t say how other on-law relatives seem to perceive your years of not bringing anything. Do they wonder why or know MIL prevents you? Do they care or lean one way or the other? It’s not so much that their opinion matters. But you will still feel embarrassed if they think you just don’t contribute. And it is natural for you want to (1) be a contributor like everyone else, (2) be able to talk about what you brought just like everyone else.
4. How about your husband? Does he see that you are being excluded? Does that bother him – then why hasn’t he stood up for you? – or does he defend/excuse his mom? Would he prefer you didn’t push it; would he support you bringing something; or is he mostly a wet noodle about this?
If your hubby is ok with you bringing something, then there is really only one person who would be unhappy if you brought something – MIL. And it boils down to whether her preference (as host and as the ‘senior relative’) matters more than your own.
IMO while etiquette dictates that you respect the host’s wishes, MIL has lost any moral standing for her preference to matter.
5. So the last thing is to be honest (to yourself): you can bake turf and share it with your friends, with your husband (and his workplace) and enjoy your love of baking and enjoy feeling appreciated for what you make. You don’t owe MIL a helping hand with the cooking. You would simply like to (1) contribute to the in-law family gatherings like everyone else AND (2) get the satisfaction of the in-law relatives knowing what you can do and appreciating your efforts/skills. Own it! I see nothing wrong with that.
So bring what you want to bring, knowing it will piss MIL off (and maybe annoy or flummox hubby). But be smart about it. Don’t tell her that you are bringing something or what you plan to bring. Bring a dessert because there is always tool for one more dessert and no need for it to complement the other dishes.
Then be prepared for MIL to try to sideline your dish. And convey her displeasure. And realize she will probably try to stop that from happening again.
Then maybe at Christmas you can bake something that you can package individually for each family unit T the gathering (e.g., your best Christmas cookies) and give them as token gifts to each household. MIL can’t say no to that!
You are not trying to show MIL up; you just want to share your good stuff like everyone else. Once you own that you are doing this totally for yourself, it’s a little freeing, don’t you think?
I think MIL deserves you being a little selfish and am saying you are NTA.
NTA, if you don’t tell her what you’re making, she won’t duplicate your dish and try to compete with you.