I (54M) met with three young people for a project we were collaborating on. Two men and a woman, all in their early 20s. I shook hands with both men but not the woman. I thought nothing of it and the meeting went well, but I recently learned that the woman was upset with me for not shaking her hand.
I know it’s not a huge incident, but it has been gnawing at me. Growing up, I was always taught that a man should never offer his hand to a woman. Instead, he should wait to see if she offered her hand first. That way, the woman could decide if she wanted to be touched. It was a matter of respect for her boundaries and simple good manners. When the young woman did not offer her hand first, I did what I always do and gave her a friendly nod.
I’ve always taken this approach and never had a problem before, but perhaps my approach is outdated? I’m willing to accept being unintentionally rude, but it did pain me to learn I upset her.
Yes, this approach is outdated. You are in the context of a work environment, you aren’t a knight waiting for a lady to offer her hand. YTA.
YTA, did you offer your hand to both the guys?
Shaking someone’s hand is a mark of respect, I’ve never heard of not offering a handshake to see if she wants to be touched. You’ve blatantly made it clear you don’t view her the same as her co-workers
YTA. In a professional environment you decided to treat your female colleagues different than your male colleagues. Your approach has been outdated for decades.
Never heard of this before , YTA
Yup, it’s outdated, especially in a professional setting. If you use different greetings based on gender in your personal life, that’s your business, but at work, it’s definitely something to avoid.
YTA, it’s quite obviously an outdated approach.
Not offering a handshake to one person out of three is clearly going to cause a rift, regardless of the gender. It has the additional sexism aspect because it was a woman, even if your intentions weren’t to be rude.
Hopefully you learn from it. If someone doesn’t want a handshake, they can refuse. You don’t just neglect offering.
YTA. That might, MIGHT, fly in a social situation, but not in a professional one. As a young woman, I would read this as you not viewing me as a peer or a contributor because I’m a woman. The best policy for work manners is to treat everyone exactly the same, ie if you shake one hand you must shake them all.
YTA. You singled her out because of her gender.
Yeah obviously YTA. I can’t imagine being in my 50’s and having to ask this question.
YTA and incredibly misogynistic. Maybe the way you grew up makes sense for random people you meet on the street, or a friends new girlfriend or something. But in a professional environment where there’s an expectation of that common greeting you actively treated a woman as less than a man. Which in case you aren’t up to date is a pretty big deal. Honestly you’re lucky she didn’t file a complaint against you for sexism in the workplace.
YTA. In a business setting, you need to treat all people equally regardless of gender or perceived gender, so if you offer your hand to the men, then you offer it to women and people whose gender you’re unsure of. Or you offer it to no one.
Where in the world are you located? Not only is this super outdated, but if you’re pretty much anywhere in the global north, it should be pretty obvious to you that things like this changed a long time ago. YTA and also sound pretty unobservant and clueless.
In a professional setting, you chose to treat a woman differently because she’s a woman. Yes. YTA.
My good manners mean to never shake hands with someone who has a vagina
YTA and delusional what the actually hell