Throwaway because some of my family know my main.
I (23f) have had suspicion for a while that my mother (53f) has been using drugs again. If anyone comes from a household with addiction, I’m sure you’ll know what I mean by some drugs have a particular smell. The other night, I caught the distinct smell of heroin after not smelling it for about three years and it set off warning bells in my head.
I’m not proud of it, but I snooped through the trash, and after some digging, I did find use of it. My mother promised me she had gotten clean and I feel angry, hurt, betrayed and simply terrified. My family, for some reason, put all the responsibility on me to keep her clean and I feel like I’m an absolute failure, but it was too much of a task to deal with and I worry for my life if I stay here because I know my mental health will suffer.
My boyfriend (25m) has helped me suddenly pack up half my belongings and stash them somewhere safe for us to suddenly leave, and I intend to simply disappear with a note stating that I’m not coming back, but gave her an email to contact me through for emergencies and if/when she gets clean.
There is hesitance in my decision, however, as I know my mother can’t afford this place without my and my boyfriend’s contribution to rent. I know I’m essentially going to be making her homeless, but I simply cannot deal with this again.
Would I be the asshole for suddenly leaving without a verbal word and blocking my mother’s number and socials?
For additional context: in 2022, she was hospitalised for both pneumonia and the flu and from there me and my sibling (25f) found out she had COPD. We gave her the ultimatum of stopping both heroin and smoking or we would both leave and never speak to her again. She chose to quit, or so we thought.
You wouldn’t be the bad guy here. You’re not your mom’s rehab program and it’s not your job to hold her life together. She relapsed, lied, and put you in a spot that’s wrecking your mental health. Leaving is self protection, not cruelty. It sucks that she might struggle with rent, but that’s on her choices, not you. Sometimes the only way to stay sane is to step out. You’re allowed to choose peace.
Nta
NTA
You have to protect yourself.
NTA — she needs professional help and rehabilitation. You’re not a drug addiction specialist. You have your own life to establish. She’s lied about relapses — prioritize your own mental health. You’re protecting yourself from the harshness and cruelty. Addictions are very powerful and severe ones can even lead to violence.
NTA, she is an adult, it’s her choice, not yours. She needs help but having you around lets her get loose. Maybe without you she’ll get the help she needs.
NTA. Coming from a child of addicts, as an adult you have the opportunity/choice to set boundaries for yourself. Stick to them! You and your mental health come first.
NTA
Leave before she starts stealing your stuff to feed her addiction, and also for your mental health wellness.
Updateme
NTA
Your mother has let you down and broken her part of the agreement. I know addiction is complicated but she made a choice to take heroin again when she said she wouldn’t.
For your own safety I would go. If she cant afford the place by herself then thats something she has to deal with.
Nta.. she broke your agreement. You have to protect yourself. Addiction is no joke, and as you well know, it will come first for her till she’s ready for it to be otherwise.
Put yourself first, walk away and don’t feel guilty. It’s not you putting her in this position, it’s herself. All the best x
My mom’s an alcoholic, became one ( or an obvious one) around when I was 18 and she got divorced. I tried going to relatives for help and being how it is with an alcoholic she was blaming her drinking on my sister and I. How grown adults didn’t see through it is beyond me. Her best friend even called to b me out. At 20 my friend jokingly asked me to move cross country with her ( her parents previously moved). 6 months later I left with my friend. I even had a boss tell me I needed to stay to help her and tried to dissuade me from moving.
That was the most freeing feeling I ever felt.
My logic was that if I was going to be blamed for everything by everyone, I’d remove myself from the situation. My sister was also running w a bad crowd then and my car was even stolen for 45 days by her ex or his cousin.
That was 24 years ago. I would make the same choice over and over again. Life hasn’t been perfect but that moment in that time was.
Go!
NTA she is the parent not you. Anyone who places blame at your feet needs to be cut out of your life.
NTA You should’ve never been given such an impossible responsibility. That just wasn’t fair, and it stole the last of your childhood. You should get out if you can. Maybe it’s just what your mom needs to stop the drugs again. Just make sure you’re not dependent on your bf. Always make sure you have your own money. The best investment you can make is in your future. I thought that was just a cheesy saying boomers say but it’s true.
as a child of addiction albeit alcohol, you just *know* straight away if someone is using their drug of choice…even when everyone around you says they’re not.
my advice..leave… you are not her parent….and do you really want to ride that rollercoaster AGAIN…its at best exhausting….she is an adult ..she has made her choice…you must do the same. Choose yourself xx
good luck