Hey guys,
Looking for some input here.
My mother moved into a guest room nearly two years ago after a divorce led to her losing her housing.
The intention was for her to stay with me while she receives the necessary surgeries to try to get back into the workforce, so initially, the deal was presented to me as her staying with me for
"a couple of years" until she finds a housing accomodation".
After her surgeries, she is still disabled and is still not able to work and has not made any efforts to find new housing. They receive around $2k a month in benefits and there’s a potential they could apply for vouchers, but they seem unwilling to move to a less desirable area and have dogs that would probably need a fenced in yard.
Am I the asshole for telling her that I would like her to find somewhere else to go in the next 12-18 months?
My brother seems to think I’m being way too harsh and that "Well, I should have known" and "Well, this is the situation we are in", followed up with concerns that I am going to kick my disabled parent out on the street. The brother does not own a house and I’m hoping that this might light a fire under everyone’s asses to get their shit together. My brother has a lot of sacrifices they can make to try to save more money.
It’s putting stress on my relationship with my significant other of 10 years and I don’t think my mother has even tried to find a place to go. I have only discussed this with my brother and have not brought it up otherwise.
AITAH for attempting to set a boundary?
NTA
Children are not a 401k.
You have your own life to lead and she needs to move on with her own.
NTA – 18 months is pretty darn reasonable. I’ve got to ask, where is your brother living? If he’s so concerned, why doesn’t he take your mom in?
LOL DEFINITELY NTA. If your bro thinks you’re so harsh he should step right on up to house her (if he doesn’t have a house he could still find and / or pay for alternate housing for her – it’s not like the only option is your guest room or the street). Expecting a transition in a year to a year and a half is very generous, and reasonable from a logistical standpoint. I don’t know what type for timeline expectation you had originally, or what was discussed, but your brother is acting like you housing her is the permanent solution and I suspect it’s because he isn’t having to deal with it.
The only thing you’ve done wrong is that you didn’t make it firmly temporary to begin with. But you’re being taken for granted and you aren’t an AH for bringing that to an end.
>My brother seems to think I’m being way too harsh
I’m guessing your brother won’t have her come live with him, right?
NTA. It’s been two years and it’s appropriate to revisit the topic and revise plans if needed.
Your brother needs to keep out of it unless he’s willing to step up.
ETA: Your mother may feel very hopeless about all of this. Being disabled and older makes life very bleak. Finding work as an over-50s person is very difficult. It sounds like you’re trying to balance the best for her as well as for you and your SO.
If you’re in the US, Senior Services may have some assistance for you.
NTA. Seems perfectly reasonable to hold her to the conditions previously set. If you brother doesn’t like it he can take her. That will change his tune
NTA. 12-18 months is plenty of time for her to look for and find another place, and it’s not fair for her or anybody to expect you to maintain living with her indefinitely. If you’re able to/if she doesn’t have one already I’d recommend trying to find her a caseworker. Maybe somebody can help her find housing or help her apply for housing that’s specific to folks who are unable to work due to disability
NTA. What was mum doing for the last two years with her $2k monthly income? For the sake of your partner and your sanity, set a deadline for your mum. And make it within 6 months! Work with your housing authority to find low income housing, or if shes 55+, senior housing.
Unfortunately with disability, you can’t really save money without your benefits being taken away. The biggest hurdle would be finding a place where she can take her dogs as she can’t leash them and would need a fenced yard.
You need to be firm. As a disabled woman who can’t work, the dogs may need to go. She needs to find housing and she has few options. If the dogs are the barrier, then that’s something she needs to address. You shouldn’t back down from a deadline that is sooner than later. The dogs aren’t your problem. Don’t let her make them your problem.
Excellent, your brother can house her and you could finally start to think about your SO, why do they have to share their space with your mother all this time….
Let’s face it, if mom’s income is only $2,000/mth and is unable to work, she can’t possibly afford to live anywhere on her own. Tough situation. My only thought is that you and your brother subsidize her income enough that she can move out. You both know the rental market in your area, figure out how much she needs to live on and have a family meeting.
There may be housing vouchers available.
She was offered housing once but turned it down because:
“It has 2.5 stars on Google”
NTA. Two years is already a huge favor. A 12-18 month notice isn’t kicking her out, it’s giving her plenty of time to figure things out. Your brother can judge when he’s the one housing her
First, do not say 12-18 months, but set a specific date.
Then work with your brother. Tell him, yes, your mom needs a place to stay, but it’s time for him to take a turn. If he rents, he and Mom can pool resources and rent something larger than his current situation so there’s room for both. If he balks, ask the reasons why, let him vent, and then agree that those are good reasons but they are exactly the reason why YOU have had enough. Then segue the conversation into the two of you collaborating to get her into her own housing.