I lost my partner 7 weeks ago and I have been an absolute mess, depressed, angry, and not the person I used to be.
When it happened, my mother flew out to support me. However, during her time she would try to reduce my pain by constantly reminding me of the negative things my partner used to do.
I didn’t want to hear the negative things because my partner was dead. I just wanted to grieve.
I asked my mother to just sit and listen… but said she doesn’t want to be a “wall flower”.
My parents call often, and some days are okay, but most of the time its me having to assert boundaries and tell them that what they are saying isn’t useful.
Grief is hard and it has changed me. I am not my happy usual self anymore. I don’t want to go spend Christmas with my family because of how angry, sensitive, and hurt I have become.
My parents said I have to pay them back the money for the flight if I don’t go, which I am happy to do. But now they are saying I don’t have ownership of grief and that I have been abusive since I lost my partner. (I am 28 and he passed also at 28 yrs old)
Basically, am I the asshole for wanting to remove myself from Christmas with my family because grief has changed me and my family stated that I have been “abusive” and that they are “walking on eggshells” and that I don’t have ownership of grief…. And now they are mad that I want to not go to Christmas and have asked to pay the money back for the flight
YTA – because grief isn’t an excuse to be an AH. You’re already an AH and grief exposed it.
You have never experienced grief then. You have no idea what it’s like with that answer.
NTA – you are not being abusive. It sounds like they low-key are tho’.
It might be time for some very low contact while you honour a) your grief and b) \*your partner’s passing\*.
This kind of grief is a bear to deal with, in my experience the first year is a nightmare, all the ‘firsts’ pop out, in addition to the waves of unexpected that hit like a tsunami.
Their behaviour sounds like there is lot more to unpack – their parenting does not sound even close to exemplary. I’d bet dollars to doughnuts this is not the first time they’ve behaved badly.
Don’t go for Christmas and maybe take a break for as long as you need. Grief counseling also sounds helpful. Bonus points if its with a professional who deals with toxic family type – I sense that that will come in handy down the track.
This is on them, their behaviour is baffling, not to say unkind and selfish.
I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA, idk if we are missing info but based off of this alone you are not. Grief is complex and you have to do it your own way. Setting boundaries is hard sometimes. You CAN’T control how they feel about your boundaries but you can still say no and not go. Do what you need to to grieve.
NTA. You’re allowed to grieve and no-one else is allowed to put a time frame on that.
However I think maybe you should see an experienced counsellor. Losing a partner is severe and of course you won’t have any tools to help you cope with that, plus it’s actually not fair to yourself to stay angry. That person might also be able to help you draw boundaries with your parents that allow both sides to understand each other.
All the best.
NTA. Grief, serious illnesses etc call on groups of loved ones to “comfort in, dump out.” Meaning that you, being closer to the loss than your mother, should not have had to endure her saying negative, unhelpful things about your late partner. Telling her that she wasn’t helping you wasn’t somehow taking “ownership of grief.” That’s ridiculous. Your parents’ accusations are totally inappropriate here. You need and deserve space, and you should take the time to care for yourself. It’s ok to be focused on your own healing right now. When you’re ready, look for a grief workbook, support group or therapist.
Grief does change people. But be careful not to internalize your parents’ extreme descriptions of how you’ve supposedly changed. You can move through this moment, and get through it. <3
NTA. I’m sorry for your loss. Not only you’re allowed to deal with your loss any way you want, but even in normal circumstances you don’t have an obligation to attend any event you don’t want. Just be careful not to isolate yourself from people who love you (if that’s the case of your family) and try not to do anything you might regret in the future
NTA. Not even a little. I’m so sorry for your loss. You need support at this time not nagging or guilt trips or manipulation. You may want to go low contact for now and lean on friends.
You are NTA, but you need to do something about this internalized anger. I’m not the type to suggest therapy for every small thing, but this really sounds like you could appreciate some. What was your parents’ relationship to your partner before he passed? Are they really dismissing your pain or are they just trying, in their own misguided way, to make you feel better?
NTA.
You need to deal with your grief and loss in your own way. If your family’s way of being “supportive” is a net negative for you, then you should avoid that environment.
They don’t have to “walk on eggshells” they simply need to refrain from being critical of your partner. I think you should be as clear and direct as possible. “I will come home for Christmas if you can all promise me that you won’t say anything negative about my partner who died.”
NTA. I wanted to start out, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how it would feel
Your parents don’t seem to have the same view as you in this matter, and I don’t think they are trying to. Even if they want to make you feel better, you aren’t feeling better. So it’s okay for you to not want to spend the Christmas with them or even ask for a break from them. You are your own person. You have the ownership of grief and you can take as long as you need to recover. Please don’t think you’re an “asshole” for grieving, you are obligated to feel that way. I hope you can still see the world positively and I wish you the best. <3
NTA at all. There’s no time limit for grief, but it’s also only been 7 weeks. I’m so sorry, but it sounds like it could be healthier for you to go low to no contact with them for a bit. Anyone who makes themselves the victim while you’re going through hell is not a safe person to be around. You’re not obligated to spend time with anyone and if their gifts come with strings, refuse them all.
I’m so sorry for your loss and the indignity of your family’s reaction.