Ok, before I get into it, here’s some quick context. The judgment isn’t about my whole family dynamic, just this specific situation.
Hello everyone. I am a man (28), engaged to another man (29). My relationship with my family has never been terrible, although sometimes I have to make an effort to keep the atmosphere calm at home. I have always tried my best to attend family events such as dinners, birthdays, and other gatherings, even when relatives I’m not a big fan of were present. Generally, I insisted because it seemed to be the "expected" thing to do.
A little context:
Some time ago, I missed a family celebration because of commitments and routine. Despite this, it didn’t seem to be a big problem for the relative who was organizing the event; he said he understood perfectly and that we would have other moments together to enjoy. But some members of my family reacted very intensely, and things got a little tense for a while. Inside the house, the atmosphere became unfriendly because of this, but eventually, things calmed down, however, the attitude of these family members said something like: it’s your obligation to show up, no excuses.
Now, about the current problem:
My father’s birthday is coming up, it’s a luncheon, and I’m unsure if I should go. I have a few reasons:
\- There’s a long-standing tension between my family and my fiancé. I don’t want to go into details, but let’s just say the environment isn’t exactly welcoming for him. I don’t think it’s just homophobia; it goes beyond that, and it affects me too.
\- I have other commitments on the same day that I can’t change. They are two very important events in my life, and I’ll be accompanied by my fiancé at both.
\- Going to the birthday party would involve reorganizing practically everything and would leave me very stressed (I have difficulty drastically changing things in my routine, and my family has difficulty understanding that). Logistically, it would also be a huge effort just to show up for a short period.
The whole situation leaves me exhausted, and I would still be going alone.
Knowing my family well enough, I can imagine their reaction if I don’t go: my father will probably take it personally and be upset, my stepmother tends to make things worse, and my sisters might get so angry that they become verbally abusive. At the same time, I feel I need to protect my mental health and avoid putting myself in situations that will overwhelm me for too long. I’ve already given up commitments and routines with my fiancé to be with my family, and that has been draining on our relationship.
A small addendum: I’m discussing this in therapy and I know it’s part of a larger process of setting boundaries. It’s very difficult.
So… AITA?
Hard to say without knowing why your fam doesn’t like your fiancé.
Throwing scenarios out there:
I mean, if he’s verbally abusive, they’re justified.
If he’s significantly older than you and they think he groomed you, obviously…
If they’re homophobic, which you say they’re not, you should never subject yourself to that venom.
If they’re just plain toxic, wouldn’t go.
OP seemed to say they are homophobic, as he said he thinks it’s more than ***just*** the homophobia.
It seems less about you being an AH for not going, and more so your feeling like an AH because you don’t want to go. Which is fine, it’s ok to dislike your homophobic family. You don’t need to generate a list of reasons why you can’t make it. Don’t complicate it more than it needs to just because your relationship with your family is complicated. You have boundaries for a reason, use them. NTA
NTA, if it were me, I’d reorganize anything I needed to be at my Dads birthday party. It wouldn’t matter that I don’t like big changes in my routine. But that’s caused I adored my dad and I wish he were here to celebrate. I don’t know what your relationship is with your dad. You say you’d go alone because there’s not a good dynamic with your fiancé that you don’t think is just homophobia or blame on one side or the other. It’s okay to not always be with your partner. It’s okay to be tired afterwards. So the real question is whether to go out of love or because you’re feeling pressure. And what matters most to you.
NTA go to the events that were already planned and tell your dad you’ll take him out to lunch. Just him. Your family don’t need to be there. It’s nice to get a little one on one time. I love it when I can get that from my kids and they don’t mind it.
And take him out before the luncheon so that if your presence is questioned, dad can say you had an immovable conflict so already celebrated with him. Reality is that people routinely have commitments and expectations which coincide with other commitments and expectations.
NTA. Bottom line is, you need to put you and your partner first. If someone wants to be upset or abusive, no reason for you to make yourself available to be around those people.
Ask your father if you and your partner can take him out to a belated birthday lunch. Or just take him out yourself — your choice.
Sounds like some people in your family like to tell other adults what they should be doing. Forget them—they’re not the boss of you!
Offer to go out for dinner the night before. If they decline it’s on them
NTA Well, I don’t know, I think not wanting to be in an environment where your partner isn’t welcome is quite plausible. I would try to make plans with the person who really matters, and that’s it. It’s not like you’re lying or anything, you really have other things to do and it doesn’t fit into your plans. Stay calm.
Of course you are NTA if you prioritize yourself. However you will need to learn and be comfortable saying the phrase “I can’t help I have obligations like my husbands comfort, my responsibility to myself to make decisions based on reality not backlash I’m going to receive, or NOT BEING HELD responsible for others choice to turn aggressive or diving into being offended because I do have important people and events in my life outside biological family” “if you want to have me in your life, I need you to be able to control your own emotions. Otherwise, my boundary will have to be limited contract at best.”
You don’t provide enough info here about what the conflict is to know whether that’s more of a finance issue or family issue which makes the situation hard to judge. And of course you don’t have to. I’d just take any judgements with a huge grain of salt.
NTA. Repeat after me : You don’t have to go to everybody’s everything . When you don’t want to, say no . If you have a a prior commitment, just say you can’t be there.
Not necessarily. If your family is genuinely hostile towards you, it’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to go. But likewise, it’s understandable that they would be upset if you don’t attend.
You can definitely move your other commitments that day; you don’t want to, but you can.