I F(23 soon to be 24) have always planned my Twin sister’s and my Birthday party, since we were old enough to plan our birthdays. When we were in school we would alternate years for who got to choose what we did. For my year I usually planned something different and made sure to get out mine and my sisters invites and pick out the cakes and all of the details. She always picked bowling, and even then I sat her down to ask who of her friend she wanted to invite. Since we’ve graduated school and up until last year this is how things usually went.
However, last year my parents had asked what we were doing for our birthday that year, and sister said “idk but I’m sure (me) has got it figured out.”
And that sparked something in me. A petty, angry spark. No one has ever planned anything for me (minus the young birthdays that I don’t remember). I have always taken care of things, because if I don’t plan it… it won’t happen.
So that’s what I chose to do. I didn’t plan anything for our birthday and feined sick. No family dinner, no cake. Instead my bestfriend and I polished off two bottles of wine and watched my favorite movie (2005 pride and prejudice).
This year, my sister is upset because I planned to go to a close town (two hours away) for a sort of staycation with my bestfriend. I didn’t talk to her about it, didn’t ask her what she wanted to do, because this is what I want to do. I told her she was welcome to join but this is what I’m doing.
Am I the asshole for not planning something we can do to celebrate together? Or planning a birthday for her/us in general? Am I being selfish? I’m saying “I” a lot so now I’m starting to feel guilty. Help.
NTA. You’re not being petty if she’s welcome to join. You’re just doing what you want as an adult and not planning things for other people anymore. I don’t see an issue with that.
NTA making twins share a whole bunch of stuff stops being cute after y’all became teenagers. The dependence she has on someone else (you) planning things was never cute. Sure could you have communicated? Yeah of course. But she could’ve asked in the lead up instead of assuming and you would’ve told her
YTA only for not talking about the problem. You’re both adults now. You set the trend and she was happy to go along with it. It doesn’t mean you have to do it forever but you should have at least told her “hey, I’m over this”.
ESH. You need to communicate how you feel, and they’re kind of messed up for laying all the labor onto you.
NTA for no longer planning the parties. YTA if you didn’t say anything ahead of time and simply didn’t show up the next year. I agree with CoverCharacter that not communicating is an AH move, but no longer being taken advantage of is a great boundary.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to plan her birthday gathering, even if you did things in the past.
If she wanted you to plan something because she feels like you’re better at planning than her, she should have asked. Instead, she asked you “what are we doing?” expecting you to have done the work. I feel like part of your problem here is not feeling appreciated, which is super fair.
You even invited her to join you!! That’s so kind.
You do you, have your birthday the way you want to. I’m an only child with divorced parents, I had to learn in adulthood that I’m the only one who can make my birthday wishes come true, and there’s a lot of comfort in that 🙂
It’s okay to stop the event planning. **YTA** for how you did it.
She said, “idk but I’m sure (me) has got it figured out.” All you had to do at that point was tell her something like, “We’re older, now; it’s getting to be more routine, and I don’t feel like planning anything elaborate anymore.”
A soft YTA, but only because you went petty and mean last year instead of just saying “I’m not planning anything this year, I have my own plans.“ As for this year, you can celebrate your birthday as you like, and if that’s a weekend with your best friend just chilling, do you. You don’t owe people a party, not even your twin. It would be kind and generous to offer to help her plan her own thing, but the whole point of a thing being kind or generous is that it is doing something you don’t have an obligation to do.
NTA. Your parents and your sister are lazy and you deserve to have a birthday that is to your liking
Update for clarification: I did react to her comment in the moment with a sarcastic “wish someone would plan my birthday” and we do live together so she was well aware of my pride and prejudice birthday and our birthday isn’t until next month, in which I have already told her what I have planned for then. I am communicating…. Just not the healthiest way I see now…
NTA. It’s your life to live. At some point, you might find you’d be happier if you tried to talk through these issues with your sis, but then again, maybe not. Saying “I” a lot is OK, even for a twin.
NTA. You get to do what you want on your birthday. I mean, obviously call your sister and wish her a happy birthday. But you don’t have to plan something just because people expect you to. You have done something nice for your sister every year for a while now. Choosing not to do the same nice thing this year isn’t mean, it’s a change.
>I’m saying “I” a lot so now I’m starting to feel guilty. Help.
You are a person. You are allowed to talk about yourself and what you want. Being your own person does not take away from your sister and it can make your relationship with her stronger.
NTA because even though you’ve been the one planning birthdays this whole time you don’t deserve to be taken for granted.