To set the scene, new flatmate (m) moved in 3 weeks ago, myself (f) and the other flatmate (f) have been living together for 2 years at this point.
We have a weekly chores rotation, Mon-Sun. Last week new flatmate was on Bathroom, on Sun he said he would do it on Mon. I was ok with that, one days difference isnt a big deal. Mon night I went to spend the night at my sisters, told them I would be back Tue afternoon. I left Monday 7:30pm and the bathroom hadnt been done. Came home today around 5pm and bathroom sill wasn5 cleaned. I put this message in the group chat –
Ummm, just got home and noticed the bathroom still hasn’t been cleaned from last week?
This is the message he sent back a few hours later –
Bathroom is now done. Bath tub skipped as instructed by the next person on the roster for the area and toilet exterior done to a standard apparently far exceeding it has been done in the recent past judging by the excessive dust buildup on it.
FYI I would strongly recommend that if anyone doesn’t fancy looking to find a new flatmate and a half anytime soon you rethink your coexistance communication style to be far less accusatory and disrespectful. For the sake of flat harmony I will overlook your rudeness this time as you can’t have known I had a death in the family yesterday so didn’t get it all done yesterday so wasn’t really in the mood all day to be working on chores so did them admittedly later than planned (but still DID them as I always intended).
Toliet is next to a window and next to the dryer. Its always dusty, you can clean it and within 2-3 days it is dusty again. Cause he’s new he isn’t aware of that.
I get that he’s fresh in his grieving so being unable to do his chores is understandable. Where I’m having an issue is that he is defensive and went to attack mode.
Taking into account the bathroom should have been done last week, he works from home, that I was at the time of the message unaware that someone in his family had died.
It feels a little like he is using the death in the family as both a reason and a justification for the elevation.
Further context-I have CPTSD and my first instinct was to attack back and second was to people pleaser and apologise. When something triggers me, I take a step back and give myself time to think through why I feel the way I do, if it is justified.
I have not responded and think it’s best to let things settle before confronting the situation. I have therapy on Thur so I want a chance to talk it through with my therapist and then come back to it on Fri. I get that 4 days isn’t long when it comes to grief but I also feel like this kind of behaviour cannot go unaddressed for long.
I get it may seem like I don’t think I’m the ahole, I kinda don’t, but i get that my CPTSD may be colouring how I see the situation and that i may be the ahole so need some outsider perspective.
NTA but it’s easy to misinterpret tone in a text, and your flatmate was upset and overreacted.
Just let this one go and give him time to settle in. You don’t have to add anything to this conversation unless he brings it up again.
YTA. Your initial text (Ummm, just got home and noticed the bathroom still hasn’t been cleaned from last week?) is extremely passive-aggressive. The ‘Ummm’ is not necessary and the question mark at the end secures the tone as irritated.
Instead, you could have said, ‘Hey everyone, just a reminder on this week’s chores. 🙂 If you can’t get to yours, let me know.’
Or better yet, you could have had an in-person conversation about how important it is to you and your other flatmate that the chores get done on time and without pestering one another, as that’s how the system has been for 2 years.
All that being said, he’s had a death in the family. So the bathroom getting cleaned on time is seriously irrelevant. Let the poor guy grieve. It only happened ‘yesterday’ and when you find out news like this, most people go into shock and don’t think about their current commitments and if they’ll get done. His response wasn’t great, but when you’re grieving and get the text that you sent, I’m really not surprised by his response.
NTA. You didn’t know there was a death in the family, so his attitude was a little overboard. But responding with more attitude doesn’t solve anything and just extends a conversation that isn’t necessary.
If there is another death next time his chores come around, then there’s a problem.
NTA and I’ll bet there was no “death in the family”. He talks about you having a rude communication style but his was 100% worse.
Totally unnecessary and defensive. I suggest that, if you havent already done so, that whenever you get a new roommate (actually before you agree for them to move in) that you have a list of expectations printed out and that you go over those expectations and make it clear that any exceptions have to be discussed among all of you before hand. I don’t think this roommate is going to last long.
NTA, but I can see why someone who is grieving would be offended by the tone of your text.
NTA. When you have roommates you can’t do things just on your own time anymore. Especially when you agree to a chore schedule.
You may wanna give him some slack given the death in the family. That is one of the times you understandably fall behind on some things. But given the death occured after he was supposed to clean the bathroom (and he didn’t tell you) you reacted like anyone else would have.
NTA
The ‘death in the family’ is a red herring. He was already late in getting his chores done and that is on him and him alone. Further, the fact that he became aggressive is a huge red flag!