Throwaway account
I’m at a loss here so I need to know if I’m the asshole.. I (31F) am dating (31M) and we have been together for over a year. We are long distance and from separate countries, I wont state who is where due to anyone we know finding this, but I will say one is in the US and one of us is in Canada. We have talked about getting married to start the visa process for me to move to his country, so we can start our future together and start creating a family, as these are the goals we would like. Upon him talking with his parents they informed him that the superstition from their culture believes that they must wait a year after a death to get married as it will “bring bad luck”, and they unfortunately buried his grandmother not long ago. He and I have both discussed this and neither one of us believe in this superstition. Upon talking with his parents about it, his brother also said he soon plans on proposing to his long time girlfriend and they would then marry, giving us even more time to wait to marry, as the culture also believes they must have a year in between siblings marrying as well. Neither him or I believe in these superstitions, and want to marry as soon as we can, so we can start the visa process which will then also take more time. I guess we are both unsure what to do here, but am I the asshole for thinking we should disregard a superstition neither one of us believe in?!?
You are not the asshole. Their beliefs are theirs, not yours. They can’t dictate your choices. They won’t be happy about them, but that’s their issue.
NTA. Traditions are just peer pressure from dead people. This is where you decide who is going to control your family. Will it be you and your partner, or your in-laws?
NTA and no offense to the culture but how does anyone get married? Grandma dies. 8 months later grandpa dies. 11 months later a nephew dies. You’ll be engaged for yearsz
NTA, but what matters is whether your boyfriend is willing to disregard his family’s wishes. If you and your boyfriend are on the same page, there’s no issue.
NTA you marry who you want, when you want. This sounds ridiculous because you could end up engaged for ten years with those limits.
yeah i’m indian and we have that superstition. my parents would be more lax about it but i know really conservative relatives in india are not a fan. my cousin wasn’t allowed to get married until a year after our grandmother’s death but she didn’t mind the wait.
i’ve never heard of the siblings rule though.
i would say ask for forgiveness not permission lol. i have no advice but i don’t believe in the superstition either and would have proceeded anyways
or do what the other comment suggested and secretly get married and do a “celebration” later
Watch how he handles this and if he can’t stand up to his parents as a unit or either of them as individuals, BEWARE.
This will let you know how your marriage will progress through the years. There will always be times when you don’t agree with your in-laws. If your fiancé can’t be firm with them and supportive of/to you, you’re signing up for misery.
As to your timeframe, live your lives, be happy. NTA for disregarding their superstition.
But tell me, you say you’re long distance, does that mean you’ve never lived together before? Is your relationship only online/phone? Because if the answer is yes, please don’t get married until you have physically been around each other.
Had to scroll to find this comment.
Getting married after only dating someone a bit over a year is unwise even when you’re spending time together in person daily and have lived together already.
Getting married after only a year when you have never lived together and never spent more than a couple days together is a recipe for an unhappy marriage.
Around each other a LOT.
For real, marriages break down over food preferences, daily habits, cleanliness, finances, and all the things people don’t show you about themselves until they know you very well.
Think of all the Reddit posts just about a partner’s true colors showing during wedding planning, or when a partner is pregnant. Just those two categories of stories alone could put you off marriage forever.
Why can’t you get married privately then do a big thing after your visa clears? You can’t live together a while anyhow, a few of my cousins did the cross border marriages and the one had to stay in their home country for a few months before they could cross to live with their new spouse. By the time the fog clears and you have the big wedding you will be good to go home married wait time over.
NTA.
One of my old friends from school had a situation like this: her fiancé’s family believed it was bad luck to marry within a year of a family death. There were two separate deaths, which meant their wedding plans got pushed twice. What they did was secretly marry at a courthouse, then had their church wedding and reception (much) later. Perhaps this would be an option for you.
Get legally married and don’t tell anyone at all about it. Start the immigration process.
At the appropriate time, have a big family religious wedding.