My husband (42M) and I (36F) have been married for just over a year and live in a HCOL city that we both enjoy, with his immediate family close by. My immediate family is on the opposite coast. We are actively trying to have a baby.
I just got a new WFH job that’s a great fit and got me a pay bump to $180k (ultimate goal for me, especially as we’re trying to start a family), but the new job requires me to live in our state. My husband is a PhD candidate, expecting to finish his program next year. Once he’s done, he wants to teach in his niche area of research. There are not many jobs in his subject, so he’s telling me he’ll need to apply nationwide for jobs next year and we’ll go from there. EDIT: He also has a JD which he could use, but he made the decision in his late 30s to get a PhD in a different subject.
We discussed pre-marriage that I’m not open to moving unless we’re close to a familial support system, I can transfer my job, and/or we’re earning close to what we’re bringing in now. However, there are only 1 or 2 institutions he could apply to that meet these standards… and who knows if they’ll be hiring when he’s on the job hunt. His other possible employers are in places I’d never consider moving (no nearby family, middle of nowhere, etc.).
We’ve been getting into arguments more often about this, even though we had that pre-marital discussion I mentioned above; I say I want to purchase a bigger house in our current city to accommodate a growing family, while he’s adamant about waiting until he has job prospects in the next year or so. When I remind him of my standards, he says I don’t support the pursuit of his career in academia. AITA?
Didn’t you talk about this before you got married a year ago? You both need to ask the hard question – is your relationship actually viable long term? Given your stance and his, one of you is going to wind up very disappointed in life. Crazy time to be trying for a baby until this is sorted. NAH.
You’re two people on absolutely two different pages. How do you anticipate building a future with this man when you’re not teammates?
You absolutely should not be having a baby right now, and for that I have to vote ESH. Neither one of you is wrong for what you want. He’s been working toward this goal for years and years, and you’re now telling him that if he wants to stay with you he’s not going to be able to have what he wants. Meanwhile, you have an established life that you don’t want to burn down because he’s in a different place from where you are.
Neither one of you is wrong, but you two are at very, very different places in your lives, and unless one of you enthusiastically volunteers to give up on a dream, you’re not compatible.
Given all that, is it really being a good parent to bring a child into a relationship that is currently rife for one of you resenting the crap out of the other?
Not the time to be thinking babies – excellent advice!
NAH, but you may be hitting a point where you’re no longer compatible. I’m kinda wondering though…anyone in academia knows what the job market is like. You go where the job is, if you’re lucky enough to get offered one. It’s been that way for decades, and has only been getting worse as more people pursue advanced degrees. Did you guys not talk about this earlier in your relationship? Because if he’s 1 year out from a PhD, he has known for at least 4 years (and maybe as many as 6 years, depending on his field) that this is what a career in academia would demand, which means you should have also known this was coming up for a long time.
INFO I don’t get it. The PhD couldn’t have been a surprise. What did you two think was going to happen once he was done? If you knew he wanted this type of job and waited until now to say you weren’t going to move, you are an asshole. If neither of you have ever discussed an obvious mismatch in life goals the you both suck. You only get a pass if he misrepresented what he wanted the PhD for.
ESH. I met my husband as a PhD student, and from the jump, we had conversations about the fact that I would not be remaining in the city in which we lived. No prospects for me there in the job I would ultimately put 10 years training into.
Did you not have this discussion? This seems very 101 to be on the same page about where you’ll be living in a year or two and maybe not get married if not aligned.
Edit: also stop trying to have a baby. This all gets harder once kids are in the picture.
Nah. Anyone saying you are is impractical. You don’t leave a $180K job in your home state to chase a PHD that will return low salary for many years.
Did you not talk about this when you got married a year ago? You honestly need to stop trying for a baby until you’ve settled this, without resentments, because what are you going to do when you’re both fighting and you’re pregnant? You think you’ll be able to settle it easier? What if you can’t compromise?
ESH\_
The 2 of you have missed some major life choice conversations somewhere.
Put that future baby on a hard hard pause for now and sort out how you both are going to live and work together.
Baby can come <after> your family unit is secure.
Right now, it sounds as if you (wife) are solid and secure in your job, home locations, family proximity (his), and are ready to settle dow.
He sounds years away from that. Sometimes the niche academia jobs don’t come for years, or come in another country, or a temporary teaching jobs that slowly over time become regular in 1-2 courses. Publication of papers might be a requirement. Tenure can be a long time coming. Perhaps your husband can start with teaching online courses? Where does your husband see his career taking him in a reasonable time frame?
The likelihood is that your job is the primary and steady one for a significant one for a long time coming.
Good luck with the on-coming conversations.
Respectfully I don’t see this marriage lasting because 2 years from now one of the 2 of you will have given up their path and that person will inevitably blame the partner that won.
ESH for not agreeing on this before ADDING A BABY. You are bordering on mutually incompatible over geography and his career. Did you discuss how his education plan would affect raising a baby and your career when he started? What was the plan then and why is it a problem now?
I’m a professor. Over the course of my career, we have lived coast to coast. As far west as Seattle, and as far east as DC.
My wife has been working remotely for about a decade. Luckily, she has been able to keep her same job throughout our moves and has become quite senior in her company over the years.
Here’s what I can say about it. The life of an early-career academic implies instability, much like the life of a soldier might. Tenure track positions are rare enough that you cannot realistically geographically limit yourself too much. You might be able to avoid a particular area, but if you’re picking the exact city you want to land in then that’s frankly unrealistic. You probably couldn’t even pick the _time zone_ you would like to land in.
So, here’s what it comes down to. The life of being married to an academic is challenging. There is a high divorce rate among academics, probably for that reason.
The probability of landing an academic job is so low that you could opt to cross this bridge when you get to it. It is very likely it will never happen anyway.
ESH. I almost went for N A H, but the fact that you’re actively trying for a baby while you have this serious disagreement makes me lean towards both of you being TA**.**
I mean, he’s not wrong. You definitely don’t sound supportive of his career. It’s fair to want to stay where you are and not want to move, but if you felt that way, then you shouldn’t have married someone who wants to go into academia.
Whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE A BABY RIGHT NOW. I do not think this marriage is going to work. If you move to a “random” state for him to follow his career dreams, you’ll resent him. If he gives up his academia aspirations for you, he’ll resent you. I’m not sure why you got married without being clear about this issue, but I do know the one thing that would make this situation 1000x worse is bringing a baby into it.