Hi all- looking for some advice on what to do about a roommate situation.
Currently, I live with my roommate, Emma (not her real name) in a 2 bed apartment. We have lived together in big apartments since junior year and this is the first year we have lived just us two. We are two and a half years out of college at this point, so have lived together for 4 years total.
However, my best friend from back home, Sarah, and I want to live together next year. Sarah is not a us citizen and so this may be her final year living in NYC as she may not get the visa lottery. We have been best friends since we were 14 and have never had the chance to live together and so would like to next cycle. The only catch is that Sarah does not want to live with Emma. Not for any particular reason- they just don’t know each other that well.
Emma and I are very good friends but we have had some hiccups recently when we were looking for our current place. For reference, we live in NYC where the rental market is insane and so it is always incredible stressful to move. Our previous lease ended Sept 1 and then we moved our stuff out to Emma’s parents garage in LI. I then couch surfed in the city while touring apartments and emma lived at home. This was a point of friction as I felt I was doing the bulk of the leg work to find a new place, whereas emma was at home and didn’t really participate in touring until mid October. All to say that while we get on well, there has been some tension.
We eventually moved in on Nov 1 and have been here since. Our lease is up May 1 (it’s only 6 months)- which is the same time Sarah’s is up. We took this 6 month lease with the assumption that we could find a third roommate in May and move into a new place.
I want to live with Sarah, but would feel bad leaving Emma without a roommate. She doesn’t have another obvious person to live with so I would feel bad that she would have to find someone else. IMPORTANT: Emma is definitely expecting us to live together again in May, so I don’t know how to bring up the subject without blindsiding her.
Would I be the asshole to not live with Emma again in May? How would I break the news to her?
NTA, she is an adult.
NTA, but you bring it up sooner rather than later so she has time to plan and to look for another roommate and/or apartment.
Also think about whether you are assuming that you and Sarah will be able to get a new lease on your current apartment or whether you expect that you and Emma will both move out, and make sure that’s part of the conversation as well, as otherwise Emma may assume that you will be moving out to find a new place with Sarah and that she can renew the lease if she can ind a new roommate .
IT’s proabbly also worth talking with Sarah to consider wether the three of you looking for somewhere together is a possibility, especially if that might make it any cheaper or easierto find a place.
YWBTA if you dont tell her literally asap so she has time to make alternative plans immediately.
This. Make your decision and start the hunt now. It’s December to May to find a new place. The longer you wait the more you’ll be the AH. Right now it’s not so much.
As another person pointed out though, if this is your friends last year here what are your plans after she moves out and goes home? Be careful burning the bridges you have for the ones you want. Be well
Nta as you can change roommates if you want, but your other friend is an ass hole. She should be happy to move in with Emma aswell.
Emma is an adult so just speak to her. If you are SURE Sarah will live with you tell Emma soon so she has time to process as she might want to find someone new and stay at the same place. Gives her plenty of time to find somewhere new if that is what she wants to do.
Have you thought about what may happen in a little over a year when Sarah leaves? You will probably have grown apart from Emma and she might be living with an ideal roommate. You would probably end up looking for someone and hoping the person you share with is nice.
Ideally it would be better for everyone in these circumstances if Sarah were to share with both you and Emma but I can understand Emma’s reluctance to share with a stranger (though due to cost of living alone, that is likely what she will have to do anyway) Maybe if approached in these circumstances right way and given time to think about alternatives Emma may suck it up and share with you and Sarah for one year. That’s assuming you are a good flatmate of course.
NTA-you and Emma and roommates, not married. Just give her lots of notice.
That being said be warned that moving in with friends is a good way to burn a friendship if you aren’t careful about setting. boundaries and stuff. A lot of times people fall into using friend currency to get out of roommate things and it is bad all the way around. Living with Sarah isn’t going to be one long sleep over.
Nta
Just inform her what you posted here
Will you be able to live on your own if Sarah leaves the country? It is definitely okay to tell Emma that you don’t want to live with her after the lease is up in May. Unfortunately, you should tell her in February to give her time to make other arrangements (and she will notice you are looking for another place to live without her). This may make her miserable to live with. Apparently she can always move home for a while if she can’t find something else so you aren’t really leaving her out in the cold.
Is there a reason you can’t introduce Sarah to her now and see if the three of you can form enough of a friendship to live together? Your bigger problem as I see it is that Sarah is going to fight for your time, Emma is going to fight for your time and at the end of they day, they will form a bond and you will be the odd person out.
If Sarah doesn’t get her visa she will leave the US? Sarah is being unreasonable expecting you to dump another friend when her tenure is uncertain. I foresee you and Emma finding yourselves in housing difficulties as I wouldn’t move back with you if Sarah leaves.
I think you’ll go down the rabbit hole. You have been with Emma for a good amount of time. You want to live with Sarah, but she is not a citizen and the way things are right now it may be a matter of time before she has to leave. And Sarah doesn’t want to live with Emma and there is no reason why. Living in NYC is very pricy and you have lived pretty comfortably the last 4 years, you want to just up a leave a pretty secure situation that you have already. It’s great to be with friends but I think you should stay put. You have moved and your lease is up in May so you’ll be under pressure anyway. You say that you would be planning to find a roommate at that time.
If I were you I’d stay put with Emma. If Emma would understand the cost effectiveness of having Sarah as a roommate then at least you’d have your 3rd roommate.
I don’t know what you do for work but you must do well. Granted Emma’s parents live on LI so if necessary she could move back home. I just think you are taking a huge risk. I think you should work a little harder in getting your 2 friends to be friends together so you can keep what you already have. This is a case where you do have to think of yourself, but do it in a smart way. Good luck.
Edited for typo
NAH for me.
Since Sarah doesn’t have any real reasons not to live with Emma, i don’t see a reason why you can’t find a bigger place for all 3 of you. Sarah has plenty of time to get to close enough to Emma.
If your only issues with Emma is that she didn’t do any leg work during the apartment hunting then there isn’t a real reason to abandon her to live with Sarah. You also need to see in the future. Will you go back to Emma when Sarah returns to her own country?
Can you afford to live on your own in case Emma doesn’t want you back after a year?
You can easily get out of your arrangement with Emma by giving her plenty of notice. She’s then responsible for finding other arrangements.
It might be best to try to negotiate an arrangement that has all three of you living together. The arrangement with Sarah might be short-term if her visa doesn’t come through, and then you’d be the one on your own in NYC looking for an affordable place to live. Travelling together and living together are two things that have often been so challenging to friendships as to end them. There is the possibility that you and Sarah, although good friends, might not get on as well together as roommates as you and Emma do, in spite of your disagreement with Emma.
Whatever you decide, you need to decide soon so Emma is not blindsided by your departure with too little time to find someone else to share an apartment with. NTA if you do this right.
It sounds like you’re looking for permission to leave Emma and move in with Sarah. But you already know that doing so would put Emma in a tough spot. You might end up in one yourself if Sarah’s visa situation changes. If I were Emma, I wouldn’t be eager to live together again after being dropped for someone else.
Bringing up Emma’s level of help with the apartment hunt feels like justification rather than the real reason. If you want to live with Sarah, then own the decision and live with Sarah, without trying to make it Emma’s fault. And understand that you will also be risking your friendship with Emma. I also think you are still thinking with your “college” head and not your “adult” head.