I (23f) was invited by my best friend (25f) of a decade to spend Thanksgiving at her house. For context, we are both recent college graduates and she is working minimum wage jobs to save for grad school while I am in grad school but have tons of educational loans and no income. So, I cannot easily afford unexpected expenses.
I have been to her house for thanksgiving many times in the past and I often help her family with the shopping or cooking since Thanksgiving prep can be hectic. Last year, my friend and I offered to make the charcuterie board and salad for her parents so they could focus on the Turkey, side dishes, and dessert. Her parents paid for all the groceries and my friend and I helped shop/cook/clean. They complimented the salad and charcuterie board and thanked us for making them. On multiple other occasions when I visited, I would help them with errands like getting groceries and even cooking meals, which they would pay for.
This year, we did the same thing and told them we would help with the charcuterie board/salad, but after Thanksgiving, her mom got really angry and went and told my friend that she assumed I was going to pay for the charcuterie board/salad and she was surprised that I didn’t pay. My friend relayed the information to me. I was shocked and caught off guard but asked my friend what to do and whether we should pay but she said it was fine, but in the future we should only shop for the dishes her parents were cooking and nothing else. I was okay with that, but then while my friend was sleeping, her mom cornered me in the house and started to chastise me about not paying for the groceries and kept saying that I was not a kid anymore and should now contribute to the Thanksgiving potluck. I was unaware that Thanksgiving was supposed to be a potluck, nobody told me that before. I just noticed that when my friend’s aunt/uncle/cousin visited they would bring one dish. I thought that was like a hostess gift, which I already had brought (a $40 box of fancy chocolate). I thought I was a guest and was helping them shop/cook something that their daughter had okayed buying on their card and they had okayed last year.
It was so awkward and I tried to pay her mom back, but she wouldn’t accept the money, but she also wouldn’t stop chastising me. Her behavior felt really rude and inhospitable. I feel very hurt that she called me out like that while my friend was sleeping and then later again while my friend was present. Nobody in her family said that they expected us to pay for the appetizer/salad this year.. if they had done that, I would not have brought them such an expensive gift of chocolates. I feel so uncomfortable going back to their house especially for thanksgiving, because in my culture what her mom did is the rudest thing ever. If she had a problem, she should have talked to her own daughter who ultimately was the person swiping her card for the groceries we bought. AITA or my friend’s mom?
I think there has been a breakdown in communication somewhere between your friend and her mum and you’ve been caught in the middle. NTA – you weren’t aware there was an expectation on you bringing a dish. Next time you get invited somewhere ask if there is anything you can bring/offer to make something and you give ample opportunity then for the hosts to ask. You gave a generous gift and helped on the day.
My guess is that the charcuterie ingredients were more expensive than the mother wanted to spend. Which isn’t surprising. Cheese costs have gone up this year.
So the mom is hit with a bill that she wasn’t expecting and got a little pissy about it.
Becoming an adult is hard. People assume you know all the rules.
It sounds like a miscommunication? You offered to help make the charcuterie board so they could focus their time on cooking the turkey. They thought your offer to make the charcuterie board meant you were also going to pay for the ingredients. Did you notice guests bringing a dish to pass? If so, and you knew that everyone was bringing a dish to pass it would be customary YOU buy the ingredients. It sounds like expectations were not clear. Next time just ask the host, “can I bring a dish to share?”
NTA. It seems that there are a lot of misunderstandings about the payment. Are you sure the mother has not talked to your friend about this? It seems like this has been an ongoing problem and the mother has decided you are the source of the problem. I think you should not go back there again for any holidays.
NTA.
You’ve known this family door a decade, and this is the first time they’re coming at you for a change in rules. Also, it sounds like your friend’s mom was stressing over the cost of the dinner and decided to take it out on you.
You also offered to pay, and were refused. She’s the AH. I’d skip Thanksgiving next year. What she did to you was not only rude, but also exclusionary.
> I’d skip Thanksgiving next year.
And for bonus points invite the friend to spend it with OP instead of her mom.
NTA. Not paying initially is, *at worst* a little thoughtless, and if nobody discussed money then it’s on everyone. But the important thing is that when you realised she was unhappy you apologised and offered to pay, and she refused to let you, which puts you into solid NTA territory. People aren’t assholes if they apologise and try to make things right as soon as they realise there’s an issue.
She didn’t want money, she wanted to be mad. Even if you normally have a good relationship, she was an asshole on this occasion.
NTA, you’re a guest and you brought a gift. You don’t invite people for dinner and then make them pay retrospectively.
NTA. I would never go to that friends family’s house again. That mom was terribly rude.
If you told them you were bringing a charcuterie board, then you should have supplied all the ingredients. That was rude of you. Charcuterie Boards can be expensive and it might not have been something they would have been doing if you hadn’t offered. If I was the host, I would have handled it with a bit more class and just spoke to my daughter about it and made sure the next year if I decided to ask you to come, I would stress, that you supply what you are bringing.
NTA, OP was a guest and brought a gift for the host. If the meal was truly a potluck, then that information should have been communicated with the invitation.
When someone says “I’ll take care of…” I assume they are contributing whatever that is, physically and financially. Maybe they thought last year was a miscommunication and this year you would understand that. However, your friend should have communicated that last year you were expected to contribute the salad/board yourself, and that everyone contributes a dish, and that this year you are to bring a dish bought or made with your own funds. The mother sounds a little unhinged, and maybe this year is a little bit tighter financially for people and that’s why she was extra sensitive , but no excuse for her to be rude. NTA
Wait is that what’s happening in this story? OP promised to “take care of” the charcuterie board twice and never paid for ingredients either time? Because yes, “take care of” means pay for and prepare, not just prepare, so I was really lost as to what the conflict was.
Ok, this might have just been a miscommunication, but at the point where she *refused to take your money in order to keep yelling at you* makes it full NTA. I would never darken their doorstep again after that.