I (38M) have two daughters – "Aspen" (8F) and "Ivy" (4F). Aspen is severely developmentally delayed, her cognitive function is similar to a baby or very young toddler’s. Recently, she has been into that getting-into-things phase. Everything also goes straight to her mouth, even though we provide chewies/alternatives for her.
Recently, she has developed an interest in Ivy’s baby dolls. We try to keep them out of reach, but every so often she finds a stray one. This frusterates Ivy. So when it happened today, I (lightly) scolded Aspen for taking her sister’s stuff. Of course, Aspen had zero clue what I meant, but it made Ivy feel better.
My wife was very unhappy about this. She says that it was mean because Aspen doesn’t know what’s going on, and that she didn’t deserve a scolding. She thinks that we should have sat Ivy down and told her how her sister doesn’t know any better and that we need to be patient when she does stuff like this. She is mad that I didn’t "include her in the conversation before I did this".
AITA for scolding my daughter to make my other daughter feel better?
Re the ‘light scolding’, it is important to model appropriate behaviour. Ivy will pick up on how you are towards Aspen. If it is done playfully, I don’t see the harm. So much depends on the tone and body language. But better not to make a habit of it.
Does Aspen not have a doll of her own? If she is ‘getting into’ them, she needs toys like this.
Not sure whether you are the AH.
NTA. It doesn’t matter what her condition is. Aspen is still capable of learning the word no and that there are consequences for her actions. Just like an actual baby can and would. So yes, you need to give her some kind of accountability.
As for telling Ivy that she needs to be more patient about Aspen’s behavior, shut that down right now. That sort of thinking is just gonna cause pure grief down the road. Because it will set a precedent that Aspen’s condition allows her to get away with anything and everything and never have to face some kind of consequence. Which will just breed resentment with Ivy who can and will see how unfair the treatment is.
I think a combination of teaching Ivy empathy and patience whilst still teaching Aspen no/consequences (within the boundaries of her understanding) is the best approach. That way Ivy learns an understanding of her sister’s struggles but when Aspen crosses a line it’s not just completely let go.
Agreed but there is a difference between teaching a kid empathy and teaching them how to be a doormat and let their sister take away their autonomy.
Its also important to teach both girls that there are sharing toys and not sharing toys. “You need to share your toys but its ok not to share ‘baby jane’ if you dont want to” and making sure you dont force Ivy to share a ‘special toy’
Yes, absolutely. That’s why I said what I said. I hope for both these girls their parents take the approach that is best for both of them and not just one of them.
NTA. Unless you really only did it to make Ivy feel better.
I hate when parents of ND kids do the whole “I never tell my kid no, they don’t understand” thing. I have an ND kiddo myself and he heard “no” every time he did something that wasn’t allowed when he was small and still does now that he’s bigger. Just because kiddo doesn’t respond the way you’d expect a NT kid to respond doesn’t mean they don’t understand, doesn’t mean they can’t LEARN. Babies and toddlers are both capable of learning what “no” means. SO telling an older kid with the cognitive level of a toddler “you can’t take sissy’s things, that isn’t nice” is completely appropriate.
I will say though, this is a conversation you and your wife probably need to have. You should both be on the same page with how you parent. Otherwise nothing you do will be effective.
Treating your developmentally challenged daughter like she can do no wrong, will harm her in the long run. Scolding her when she crosses boundaries will be something she benefits from in the long run. She’s a child who can learn. Even autistic children with little understanding will learn from appropriate punishments. Your wife is the AH because treating her like she can’t learn at all will stunt any development she CAN do. Obviously don’t scream, but don’t treat her like she can do no wrong. Sure teaching ivy about her disability might help the process, but never addressing aspens issues will build resentment and harm ivy over time.
If the purpose of the scolding was to change Aspen’s behavior and was done in such a way to get a behavior change then not ta.
But if you only did it for Ivy’s benefit, then yes you are TA.
INFO: can Aspen understand what you’re saying to her to any extent? If the answer is no, scolding her is pointless. If she can’t understand some, at least on the level of a 2 or 3 year old, a small scolding to establish the rule is okay.
If she can retain some concept of “chewing on the doll was bad”, it was worthwhile. If all she could comprehend was “dad is being scary and making sounds”, it’s doing more harm than good.
INFO: Is Ivy always having to “be the bigger person” and compromise because her older sister has a disability?
Because this can feel very invalidating of her feelings, and she may grow to resent her sister (as well as you and your wife for not letting her have boundaries)
NTA the no might still help in the long run and your other daughter is 4, how much does SHE understand. She’s going to grow up with a sibling who has a lot of needs and challenges, she deserves to feel heard and validated too
Don’t sacrifice one child for the other. Teach them both they are valued.
NTA. Ivy is 4. She doesn’t know any better either. Continuously prioritizing her sisters needs over hers will make her bitter and resentful towards Aspen.
I have a severely global developmentally delayed 9 year old grandson. He is the middle child and he does understand scolding means he did something that does not make you happy. She may not learn everything that is appropriate for her age but she will never learn any acceptable behavior if no one bothers to teach her and uses her disability as a crutch. Her disability is a reason for certain behaviors but using her delays as an excuse not to teach her irresponsible.