My husband and I have 2 kids. Our youngest just turned 4 and we wanted to throw a small party for her and my cousin begged us to make it a shared party for my daughter and hers who turned 5 a few weeks ago but didn’t have a party because they couldn’t afford it.
I didn’t want to do it but eventually agreed and figured it wouldn’t hurt us to have a few more guests and an extra cake.
It didn’t go well.
My husband loves to spoil our baby and he showered her with gifts.
After the party my cousin bew up at me calling me a b*tch saying I did it on purpose and her daughter was crying because she got nothing compared to my daughter. I didn’t realize agreeing to this meant I can’t even spoil my baby.
YTA. I don’t think you should have agreed to this if you can’t understand how bad your cousin’s daughter would feel. You could have waited til after the party to give your daughter the vast majority of her gifts. This was just performative assholery.
YTA. You could have given your daughter more presents after the party, especially if it became obvious that one child was getting more presents than the other one. You don’t need to hold back on how much you give your daughter, but you should be aware of how it was affecting your niece that you agreed to have share the party. These are little kids.
YTA
You failed to communicate. It sounds like you agreed to this joint party and then never talked about that the party would entail.
Also, have some common sense. You should have seen this issue coming from a mile away.
YTA – You could have had the little joint party and then spoilt your daughter as well after the party. Remember, your cousins kid doesn’t understand that you can afford it and her mum can’t. All the 5 year old understands is that she’s not having as much celebration as your daughter, and the kid is the one you need to consider in this situation
YTA. You knew their financial situation, and you still overdid it with presents for just YOUR child, despite the fact that two girls were having a shared birthday. You should have anticipated this, and given your child presents after the party in a second event with just your side. It’s cruel to the little four year old, and your daughter probably felt bad, too.
You are also YTA for blaming it all on your husband when you are the one who orchestrated the party. You could have warned him and yourself to be restrained in front of the other family.
YTA for agreeing reluctantly to combine forces on this party, but then not working out these details with the other parents. Why agree to do it at all if you didn’t want to do it?
Wow, mom. You didn’t have enough sense to “spoil” your daughter after the party? Very insensitive. Both mothers should have discussed this beforehand.
A shared party doesn’t mean you can’t spoil your own kid.nta
Yeah but it’s more complex than that.
Different but related situation: my grandma used to buy my cousins beautiful Christmas gifts and get my brother and I almost nothing. Then we’d open the presents in front of each other like a humiliation ritual. Now I understand that she did it because she thought my family was more well off than my cousins’s, and figured we’d get better presents from my parents.
Guess what I remember thinking? Grandma doesn’t love us as much as our cousins. Kids don’t get it.
YTA because I don’t think you’re meant to give all of your “family gifts” at the party.
Granted, my daughter’s still a baby so I am only going by my own childhood memories…. but we ALWAYS had separate gift-openings for gifts from the immediate family, and gifts for the birthday party with all the guests.
The party is for the guests to bring presents to the birthday kid. Not for you to make everyone watch your kid open presents from yourselves.
You do that at home, without an audience!
Maybe that’s just my family.
My $0.02…
This is an Intent vs. Impact situation. Focus on the impact.
Your intent was fine (treat your daughter generously on her birthday and share the celebration with another child in the family). ***That’s groovy.***
The impact (however unintentional) of manifesting that intent was emotionally harmful to the other child. We’re talking about kids. It was a shared birthday. One child was treated differently than the other child. ***Unintentionally not groovy.*** But, impact trumps intent.
This isn’t all on you, though. There were very many things that could have been done to avoid this situation (e.g., spoiling your kid in private, talking about how to manage the number of gifts, not sharing the celebration, etc.), but you and your cousin opted for none of them. Be the adults. Talk more; assume less.
Nobody likes feeling left out or feeling less than anybody else, and kids are particularly sensitive. Don’t set any kid up to feel shitty on their birthday.
ESH
I would have been conscious of my cousin’s financial status. Like, obviously the kid wasn’t gonna get anything like OP’s daughter. I would have spoiled my kid privately.
ESH agreed.
INFO: So your cousin couldn’t afford to have a party for her 5 yr old so you combined the birthdays with your child and then proceeded to give your own child a ton of gifts in front of the cousin who you knew basically had no money for gifts? Is this what I’m reading??
YTA as is your husband
If it’s a joint party between kids, one shouldn’t be showered in gifts while the other misses out. Your husband could have showered with gifts before or after the party.
YTA. Who shows off by giving family gifts at a party with kid friends? None of my kids friends ever got gifts from their parents at those type of parties. Parent gifts are separate.