Throwaway for privacy. My best friend (30F) and I (29F) have been friends for 18 years. For her 30th birthday, we went to Los Angeles.
On the 2nd night, she wanted to go bar hopping. At the 3rd bar, I told her I was going to talk to a man I thought was cute. She laughed “Ooo you better not!” I said “watch me” mostly trying to make a fun story. She went to talk to some people she met earlier.
I kept her in sight while chatting with the guy for maybe 10–15 minutes. I checked on her 2x with a thumbs-up. Then she came over and said we were leaving. I wrapped up the conversation and followed. As we walked out she joked “You’re so bad! You have a husband at home!” I reminded her my husband and I are poly and she knew that.
The next bar I decided to slow down and got water. We started dancing and a guy tried to dance with me. I yelled “IM WITH MY FRIEND! ITS HER BIRTHDAY!” He looked at her, she smiled, so I moved away.
They started dancing and smiling together. His friend tried to make small talk with me, and I kept it polite because I didn’t want my friend to feel overshadowed on her birthday. She looked happy, so I kept the focus on her.
Then she grabs my elbow, pulls me away, and said the guy had a girlfriend. I say that’s too bad. We danced one more song, and then she suddenly ran out of the club and into the street!
I chased her, worried. She was crying, saying the guy had a girlfriend and tried to dance with her. I told her that wasn’t okay, but I was confused because she’d seemed fine. Then she said “And YOU have a husband waiting for you at home!”
I reminded her again that my husband and I have a different lifestyle. She got defensive, saying she didn’t want to be yelled at (I didn’t yell). She backpedaled, saying I left her alone when she had asked me not to. She never said that, and she had also been going off on her own. But there was no arguing with her.
I figured she was buzzed or having some kind of breakdown, so I got her to stay still long enough for me to call an Uber.
After we got dropped off, she started walking again! I followed her, and she told me to leave her alone. I refused. She was not okay, and it was the middle of the night. Then she snapped “I’m not like your husband! I don’t need you to babysit me 24/7!”
I was angry that she tried to insult my husband, even if it didn’t make sense. But I shut my mouth. She eventually went to the hotel bar, so I let her be and went upstairs. I packed my things and stayed out of the room so she could have it to herself.
The next morning she apologized for saying mean things but also didn’t want to talk about it. The flight home (3 hours) and the drive back to her house (1 hour) were painfully awkward. When I got home, I cried to my husband.
It’s been a month and she still hasn’t reached out. We used to talk almost every day. I could be the AH for talking to a guy at the bar or worrying too much, but I also feel like she should be the one to explain herself this time.
AITA?
That is…bizarre. either there’s some missing missing reasons here, he said something atrocious to her, OR she’s having some sort of mental break.
Either way, it doesn’t seem like you’re friends anymore. NTA. If this is really all that happened.
I asked her immediately if he hurt her or was rude and she said no, but I can see how maybe she wouldn’t tell me. I had to omit for length that She went through a bad breakup from a 9 year relationship a couple years before this. She thought that he cheated on her and we talked about that and she agreed that she was controlling and jealous with him and neither of them could communicate properly. But I sort of guessed in the moment maybe she still believed he cheated and it freaked her out? Maybe I triggered something in her? I’m not sure.
It’s interesting context, but at the end of the day her behavior still says mental break. Very bizarre
Yeah sounds like some unresolved feelings/trauma around being cheated on are being projected onto OPS relationship as well as a triggering moment at the bar while under the influence.
Im seeing 2 possibilities.
1. Shes had a negative view of OPs relationship all along and its finally boiled over after a triggering event, possibly feelings of inadequacy and jealousy at OP being perceived as more “desirable” and getting more attention.
2. She had a bit of a melt down over the feelings mentioned in point 1, just without the negative view of OPs relationships and shes now feeling embarrassed and exposed after her unhinged behaviour.
I’d be inclined to go with point 1, but either way OP is definitely not the problem. OP displayed more self awareness and kindness than the vast majority of people on a night out under the influence. The only decision is if op wants to reach out or just let the friendship go.
I think what happened is that she had a semi blackout. Drinking + dancing + walking tends to do that to some people. Her behaviour was horrible, but she probably doesn’t remember most of it, and has made up half assed conclusions about the bits she does remember. She should know her capacity by 30, she’s definitely TA.
Well done keeping an eye on her. Obviously NTA.
NTA for following your friend. It sounds like she was drunk. Maybe she’s embarrassed about what she said and how she acted. If it’s been a month and she hasn’t reached out, then you need to.
Any city is dangerous for a drunk woman alone, let alone Los Angeles. You were concerned for her safety. If you haven’t already done so, explain that to her. I’m going with NTA.
Obviously, I can’t be sure, but she seems embarrassed. She doesn’t really understand your marriage, and she thinks, accurately, that she got drunk and made a fool of herself. Some people are so uncomfortable facing that reality that they’d rather avoid the relationships that could bring it up. This sounds like that. It can be hurtful, but it’s not immoral, strictly speaking.
For her judgmental actions on her birthday, she’s TA. For coping with avoidance, NAH.
NTA from the info given here.
Does she have a partner? I skimmed back through the post but can’t see it mentioned. I wondered if she tried to make a move on the guy she was dancing with, and she not only got rejected by him but now *also* feels guilty and ashamed that she almost cheated on her partner (if she has one). If she doesn’t have a partner, then I’m stumped. Unless she has just been silent out of pure embarrassment.
I think if you might have to be the one to reach out, if you want to save the friendship. But if you don’t, that’s totally understandable with how she behaved.
She sounds like she’s having a 30yo and still single crisis. But that doesn’t explain her behaviour out that evening. Sounds like drunk/drugged talk mixed with jealously. She might just be embarrassed. If you want to retain the friendship send her favorite treat with a note saying you miss her and hope that night out can be put in the past. I dunno. Best wishes!
NTA
This was my feeling, too
NTA but click baitey title, you know you’re NTA for following her, she’s not mad at you for it, she apologised. I think you want permission to continue to be NC with your friend because she’s a sloppy drunk who clearly has a lot of resentment towards you, and you’d like us to confirm what you suspect – that she is no friend to you. We can’t really do that, only you know your own boundaries in friendship. But would I continue a friendship after this? After a heart to heart about the source of this resentment, with acknowledgment from her that there are deeper issues and she’s working on them? After 20 years of friendship? Yeah I would personally, but I also think I’d be in the wrong. Friendship shouldn’t be painful.
NTA. My (totally speculative) take: if she just turned 30, and she’s single, and fairly recently went through a major breakup, and you’re married, and the guy she was flirting with ended up having a girlfriend…. perhaps some feelings got stirred up about her not having a partner, and because she was drinking she didn’t handle it well. Turning 30 as a woman can be very spooky if you’re the type who wants to settle down and have kids!