I 25 f met my friend also 25 f early January of this year. We quickly became friends after very similar backgrounds and many common interests. My friend let’s call her Brittany for the sake of this post is very extroverted. Social light of every party loves to go out and have a great time on the dance floor. But I have always been the opposite. Occasionally she will convince me to go out to social events with her but usually I just say no thanks if I’m not interested. Let’s say 75% of the time. Anyways about 6 months ago she met a guy on tinder and they became inseparable.
A few weeks ago she asked me if I would attend his surprise birthday party that was happening just a few days after she asked me. I told her I wasn’t sure if my bf and I had plans but I would think about it. A day later she texted me and asked if I was coming in which I told her I wasn’t sure. She seemed to not want to take no for an answer so I respectfully was trying to tell her I simply just didn’t feel like going and didn’t see why it was such a big deal that my bf and I attend. For context we have only hung out twice together as a group. Anyways, she hasn’t spoke to me since we didn’t go to the party. I kinda see where she’s coming from but I also don’t understand why it was such a big deal. I know it sounds petty but I don’t feel sorry because I didn’t want to go. Me apologizing would feel disingenuous to me. So I haven’t apologized.
This morning I woke up to an insta post announcing their engagement. I was upset she didn’t tell me herself but maybe IATA for all this anyways? Idk. Help!
esh. she shouldn’t pressure you or punish you with the silent treatment, but you also kept giving “not sure” instead of a clear answer. that reads like you were hoping she’d stop asking.
If my “best friend” turned down hanging out with me 75% of the time and gave vague “I’m not sure” answers about going to a birthday party of someone I also considered very important to me, I would take that as a sign that they weren’t really invested in the friendship. Just thought you should consider the other side in this situation. I don’t think you’re the AH, and they certainly aren’t either, but maybe y’all aren’t very compatible due to the difference in socialization needs.
I’ve had a friend like this and it is in fact exhausting. Do everything she wants and nothing she doesn’t. I may sacrifice sleep or a long drive but she couldn’t be asked to sacrifice anything least of all her comfort. If OP didn’t want to go out drinking a random Friday night with friends then that’s fine but the friend is trying to include her in things that are important to her and OP is essentially “you’re not worth me sacrificing an evening of comfort.” I’m sure the friend has been feeling dismissed for a while, maybe like 75% of the time they’ve known each other, and shes probably over it.
>This morning I woke up to an insta post announcing their engagement. I was upset she didn’t tell me
INFO: Could the engagement have been announced at the bf’s birthday party that your friend was insistent you and your bf attend?
YTA this was an important event for your best friend. Best friends show up for each other even when they don’t feel like it.
I’m just curious how she’s calling this person her best friend and she’s only known her 11 months.
That’s like a fairly new acquaintance who will possibly become an actual friend down the road. That’s not a best friend.
Unless I’m just old or something. Like the person who is your best friend goes back a long time in my mind – you’ve been through shit together.
ESH You clearly did not want to attend-you should have told her, politely, that you and bf would not be attending. “I’m not sure” is stringing her along. I don’t know what the plan was, but she maybe needed a head count for planning purposes, so you should have politely, but clearly, declined the invitation. On the other hand, she should not have been so insistent that you attend or told you why she needed a firm answer. You should apologize for youn part, and she for hers.
She need to know if she was attending because she was planning a party and needed to know how many to plan for. That’s pretty self explanatory.
NTA for deciding not to attend the party, but a huge YTA for being upset regarding the engagement (as the engagement was obviously announced at the party). And yes, you are being very very petty here.
Assuming that she felt that since you refused to go to her bfs party it showed you dont care about their relationship. So why would she tell you first? You dont show up for her, and this was obviously very important to her.
Neither one of you is in the wrong, except you just not telling her right away instead of stringing her along.
You dont owe her your company. But you hurt her.
She doesnt owe you info before other people. And that hurt you. It doesnt really sound like you treat her like a best friend and shes mad about it. I think you need to have a long honest talk.
YTA.
It’s okay to say “I’m not sure if I can make it,” but don’t pretend that you said no. You said maybe, so your friend followed up to see if you could come. This might shock you, but she invited you because she likes you and wants to see you! Also, it’s just normal that someone planning a party might try to get a headcount. You made her chase your RSVP and then acted like she’s the one making a big deal out of this. Grow up and say “no” if you’re not going to make it to the party.
She invited you to show up for her. You “just didn’t feel like going.” Okay, that’s fine. But if you don’t feel like showing up to support her and be a part of her life, how can you turn around and claim to be “upset” that she didn’t tell you about her engagement herself?
YTA. The cost of relationships is inconvenience. You don’t seem to want to be inconvenienced by your “best friend” and put the excuse to being introverted.
Turning down invites to get together 75% of the time is a fast way to get 0 invites in the future and have no friends.
You then have the audacity to get mad your friend didn’t tell you about her engagement when you chose to not attend the event it most likely was announced, and haven’t been acting like a friend for an entire year. What makes you think you’re earned knowing when your social life is centred around you with no give or compromise to the other person?
I mean, I can’t fault you for setting your boundaries but don’t be surprised or disappointed if she doesn’t support you in ways that are important to you. In any case, definitely doesn’t sound like a “best” friend situation to me.
YTA for two reasons.
One, your lack of ability to communicate directly. You say she can’t take no for answer. But you didn’t give her a no. You gave her a maybe. She needed a definitive answer. She was probably making plans based on if you were coming or not. Your lack of an answer is frustrating. It’s likely not about you not coming and more about you not saying either way. Then, when she pushes for an answer (which is fair) you react negatively to her not being able to read your mind.
Two, you only seem to care about yourself and you’re not willing to be out of your comfort zone for something that’s important to someone you say is your best friend. It’s a big deal to her because you’re her best friend and he’s her boyfriend. It’s important to her that you get to know each other and get along. You’ve likely only hung out twice because you keep turning down invitations. You’re refusing to foster a relationship with him and get to know him. Sometimes in life, we do activities that aren’t entirely our thing because it’s important to people we care about. It takes an incredibly selfish person to not see that.
I actually have a friend just like you. She calls us best friends (I’ve never used that term myself) but she only ever wants to do activities she enjoys. When I invite her to things I enjoy, she says “na, not my thing”. But I regularly go to things that aren’t my thing, because I’m a good friend. About a year ago I had the realisation that she’s selfish and self absorbed. I’ve started to distance myself from her. I literally never contact her first anymore and when she contacts me, it’s short curt replies and I turn down all invitations. Don’t be surprised when your friend does the same to you.